Ever Grieving SIL

Thank you. I knew the saying, but I didn't know where it came from. That's exactly what I was trying to say xx

I rather think the responses would be different if it was a parent doing this for a child they'd lost.

A lot to lose, can’t be easy

Exactly. As Ernest Hemingway said, every man has two deaths: first when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name.

Losing your parents as an adult is a rite of passage. It doesnt mean it's easy by any stretch but if you are still not coping with life 2 years + on then there is a problem that extends beyond grief. Publicly remembering them on special occasions (mothers/fathers day and birthdays) for the rest of your days is personal preference. More that that, you have to ask yourself why you are posting and for whom. You would hope that your parent loved you enough to want you to move on and have your own life and to have made that clear to you. Sadly, people who are locked into grieving prison for a parent aren't often in that position.

I'm really sorry about your dad xx

However, I don't think what your aunty is doing is performative. Sometimes we like to keep our loved ones memories going, as it kind of keeps them alive. As I've said before, we all deal with grief in our own ways, and it just seems so unfair to judge ..

Admittedly I will put a lovely pic of my mum on her birthday or Mother’s Day, just because I think it’s nice to remember but other than that. What I find difficult is not having new pics, as silly as that sounds! She will be forever young.

They are posting it to get support for themselves usually.

It's hard to text someone and say "it's X person's birthday today and I'm struggling with it, please help", it's easier to make a FB post expressing your feelings and hope someone will acknowledge it.

In a world where peoples mental health is in tatters and we are all told to talk more the judgement on this thread is pretty shocking to me. Surely the nature of SM is that you can pretty much decide what to view and how to use it.

thinking about your situation OP. I do get it. But perhaps your SIL needs to have some kind of therapy, as this must be affecting her children.

I lost my Dad 2 years ago and I'm still grieving, but quietly. I've never posted anything on social media as that just feels performative. My grief is my own to feel and deal with.

My aunt however is a prolific FB griever... her parents died over 30 years and every year on their birthdays she posts photos saying remembering Mum on what would have been her 115th birthday/Dad on his 120th birthday. It's just weird beyond words.

Not mean spirited OP, well at least I don't think so! I have someone just like this in my family and it drives me mad. Very performative, very much thinking that they are the centre of everything and that their grief is, of course, way worse than anyone else. I can't be arsed with all the drama of it.

Im not one for social media but i worry how ill cope when my dad passes. I feel for her

Grieving repeatedly on social media doesn’t necessarily mean excessive grief. Some people get attached to their grief and use it as a way to get other needs met.

I tried to empathise with a friend who lost her mother and was told to shut up because I couldn't possibly know what she was going through.

I knew exactly what she was going through as in the 3.5yrs since she died, this was the only topic of conversation that was allowed. I retreated from the friendship. I'm not a therapist or an emotional punch bag.

I agree with you that your SIL is being OTT and possibly needs some counselling.

However I do think you’re being unreasonable to compare losing a grandparent to a parent. For most people the two simply don’t compare in any way (unless they literally raised you in place of a parent in which case I apologise).

My view on this depends on her age and the circumstances of his death.

I thought l at this point I'd be seeking counselling if I were her.

Of course people grieve differently and still think of their loved one, but if it's preventing someone from living their life. It's either complex grief or depression IMO. Maybe both. Neither of those things will just go away on their own, though.

Oh gosh, I am so very sorry to hear this. I'm glad my post might have helped you realise that you are not grieving incorrectly in any way shape or form. What you shared, makes total sense to me xx Sending love xxx

When people wish a happy heavenly birthday to their dear departed relative, do they believe that the deceased is reading the post?
Who are they posting it for?

Some people do get stuck in grief. I agree with PP that it sounds like she needs professional help with this.

I lost a parent very recently (not yet had funeral) and I hope I don't get stuck.

Nonsense Both my parents died just over a year apart and I don't feel the need to behave like the OPS sil

Maybe the problem is that she is spending far too much time on facebook instead of getting out and meeting real people? Perhaps some therapy and then a new hobby outside the house would help.

I stopped looking at facebook entirely because a lot of people were posting stuff on there that should have been taken to a clinical psychologist. It was just miserable to watch, so I stopped.

I agree with the anger part as I experience it. I'm glad I read this as I genuinely thought I was grieving "incorrectly" .
my son was stillborn a few years ago, and I don't want anyone to even mention him, and in my head at least, I'm so angry, almost as if no-one else besides my husband has a right to even think about him. I suppose it's the only way I can "protect" him. now.
I would never post anything about him, or any family member that has passed on social media. My memories and feelings are for me. If I genuinely needed comfort I'm lucky I have a couple of people I could go to.

I dont think it is clear, though. And yes, you are right, we cant just say all of this type of behaviour is selfish. But in my earlier example, the woman I know who says rude things, interrupts if she feels like it, turns everything back to herself, expects preferential treatment and if she is every challenged says it is because she is a widow and lives on her own, is very demonstrably selfish. From what I can glean, she always was - she is just now using losing her husband to excuse it. Numerous people have taken a step back from friendship with her over the last few years because of her behaviour - exacerbated by being foul to someone losing a parent while it was happening.

And I do think a death which is expected, which comes in old age, is also a different process than a shocking, sudden death or one which comes vastly out of time - like the death of a child.

As I type, I am thinking more that this is not really about grief - which has no set time limit or way to manage - it is more about the attention seeking aspect of the behaviour and the way it is used to justify behaviour.