Ever Grieving SIL

I guess it boils down to how she is in real life. If she appears to be ‘stuck’ in the normal day to day stuff, she might have complicated grief and need counselling. If this only manifests itself on social media and results in lots of comments and likes, I think that’s a different problem. And like others have said, I’d probably be doing a bit of an eye roll too.

I lost my mum suddenly a few years ago and it was like my world shattered. I definitely documented some of my feelings on social media around ‘firsts’ in the first year of grief but as my heart began to stitch itself back together, it just didn’t feel necessary any more. I miss her so much and think about her every day but after 5 years, I don’t feel like I’m ‘grieving’, if that makes sense.

I have another relative who lost her husband (at a very young age) and she’s done the same, shared some of her difficult days as well as some of the things she’s conquered. I enjoy reading the posts and for her it’s obviously a kind of therapy. She’s been through so much and I think her posts will inspire others too.

I think if we were all posting constantly 10+ years on, it defo indicates something is ‘off’. Either the person is ‘stuck’ and needs help or they’re just seeking attention.

Nor me. I lost my DH and a grandchild, which ripped my world apart both times, but this performative grieving, after years, is just attention seeking.🤷‍♀️

You are not being unreasonable.

To me, this extended public grieving is an emotionally manipulative device to gain attention.
I have known a small handful of people throughout the years who have behaved similarly.
Just scroll past on SM and politely breeze over any attempts to bring it to the fore otherwise. If other people want to indulge it, they can.

Oh the irony !

I don’t think you are mean spirited.

It seems your SIL might actually enjoy being a victim of bereavement grief. And has come to expect your sympathy. It has become the established pattern of your relationship with her (and her sm audience) and now she can’t stop. She’s addicted to the understanding and kindness.
She can’t stop. But you can.

You could gently withdraw even more by nit responding ….or even have a proper chat about how ingrained her reliance on empathy from others has become a habit and how you would now like to move on from it as it’s affecting your own well-being and mood. After all, it’s been ten years.
She might stop and think a bit if she hears your perspective on it and then be able to reflect, - with a new, fresh understanding.
Or it could be that she needs bereavement counselling if she’s stuck in her grief for some other reason.

You aren’t her therapist so do what’s right for you OP. Be kind yes, but not to your detriment continually.
Keep yourself as well and as happy as you can be.
Life is hard enough without dwelling on this old problem any longer.

Possibly one of the most callous posts here. My mum is 94, has battled breast cancer and is now in the last stages of dementia. We are caring for her at home because she’s part of our lives. The fact that she’s elderly, and dementia has taken most of her away from me slowly over the last couple of years doesn’t change the fact that she’s my mum. It will be a personal tragedy when she passes and l will grieve. The fact that I’ve known all my adult life that l will one day lose my parents makes no difference to the loss l felt when my dad passed, or the grief l will feel for my mum.

l feel very sorry for your colleague. Five weeks is no time at all when you’re grieving and your cynical view that she was playing some sort of game feeds into your attitude that it’s no surprise when elderly relatives die, so they’re not worthy of the loss we feel when they do. That’s quite shocking.

Its attention seeking because she posts it publicly. Whether it's genuine grief or not is another discussion.

I was like your colleague when I lost my mum who was 97 and similarly ill. I can’t believe the absolute callousness of your post. It wasn’t a tragedy, if course it wasn’t but it was huge for me. Fortunately there was nobody in my life thinking I should just “pull myself together”. The next generation also grieved, my son adored my mum. You’re conflating normal and expected grief with the situation described in the OP. They’re completely different.

It's been 10 years, not six months though. If OP has said that OP's SIL's dad died six months ago, the responses would be very different.

She’s obviously now ‘unwell’ and needs grief counselling but you are also mean spirited. It doesn’t have to be an either or!

I assumed that was a deliberate mis-spelling!

And rightly so. Losing a child goes against the natural order of things. Most parents, if asked what their greatest fear was, would say losing a child. I can't even imagine how people get over this and carry on with their lives.

Losing a parent when you are a child is different. I imagine that grief could be life-long in those circumstances as the child's life would be changed forever.

Losing an elderly parent, if that is what happened to OP's SIL, is sad but surely not unexpected and after 10 years one would hope that she had moved on from active grief to acceptance.

I do wish we could bring back the British stiff upper lip!
All of us, from childhood onwards have known we will lose parents (if we are lucky and don't shuffle off before them!) but the volume of older adults that seem to view their parents dying in their 80's and upwards as a tragedy shocks me.
I had a colleague in her late 50's who's mother died in her late 80's, she was bed bound, had dementia and lived in a nursing home, she didn't even recognise my colleague at that point.
My colleague took 2 weeks bereavement leave and a week of annual leave and had three weeks off in total, the day she came back she was sobbing in reception to the point she was sent home and then got a sick note for another 2 weeks off. The cynic in me thinks she played the game well.
I will get slated for saying this but here goes...I have noticed people without children grieve the loss of their parents much more than those who are focusing on the next generation, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone and is only from my relatively small sample selection!
Personally if I am lucky enough to make it to my 80's I would be embarrassed from the grave if my children (who would be late 50's) behaved like my death was a great tragedy, I would hope that they continued to live life to the fullest with barely a passing thought for me!
*edited for spelling.

To be posting on Facebook or messaging OP almost every day about the father she lost ten years ago, absolutely does indicate that a grief disorder is likely.

Ouch! I get why you posted this response, because the poster was very rude, but if you're going to call someone illiterate then you have to double check you've spelled the word correctly 🤣

It sounds like she’s stuck in her grief, it’s become part of her identity. Counselling could help her move on. But all you can do is ignore it.
Do you need to use the same sm as her? Can you mute her and the people who comment? You can always look on their pages if you are interested.

I did briefly wonder if your SIL was my SIL… no you aren’t being unreasonable. DH has massively reduced contact with his sister due to her competitive grief/need to be the only one truly mourning their parent. It is narcissistic.

Agree. By its very nature grief is a lonely process and l think many people use SM to reach out and let people know they are struggling. I’m shocked by the lack of tolerance here for those who are grieving. I guess it’s something that something you can’t fully understand until it happens to you.

When l lost my DH l found a grief support group online and l can honesty say that it was what got me through the first couple of years. l think in that respect targeted SM can be enormously helpful.

Attention seeking . I have a friend who does the same . I just scroll on by

I posted a memoriam notice for a couple of years after my DH died. It was for me. My way of letting him know that wherever he was now, he wasn’t forgotten - that l hadn’t left him behind and that while l still have my memories of him, still picture his face and still have his voice in my head, he will never really be gone.

I know someone who is like this about their dog. It died years ago.

For a couple of years after my DH died l posted in memoriam in my local newspaper on the anniversary of his death. Didn’t matter that he couldn’t read it. And it certainly wasn’t to ‘impress’ family, friends, or anyone else for that matter. Neither was it performative. It was for me. My way of communicating to him, wherever he is now, that he was still a part of my life, still loved, not forgotten and still very much missed.

When you lose a loved one, with each passing year there is a sense of leaving them behind. This was my way of communicating that he will always be part of me. I guess it’s something that others can’t or won’t understand until it happens to them.

This.