Ever Grieving SIL

You’d know how to spell it, you’re full of the stuff.

The recent debate about whether 5 weeks off work for grief following the death of an eldery parent is excessive... quite clearly if you are literally unable to return to work after using up compassionate leave and annual leave entitlement you are going through more than grief, it is something akin to a "breakdown". It's not a case of "poor dear, her mum died and she really loved her mum", it's not about how much or little you loved or loathed the person who has died but, rather, her mother's death has triggered a profound mental unravelling. It goes beyond "just" grief and so "Pull yourself together" is just not going to cut it in this situation and statutory sick leave will have to kick in until the person can hold it together and get through the day. There is a lifetime of history that plays into the adult grief surrounding the death of a parent. Moreover, for many people the death of a parent with dementia is hard because there is an enormous amount of conscious and unconscious guilt in the mix as well as a slow-burning and festering grief that has been going on for years but has to be held at bay, only to rupture and swamp you when the parent finally dies. If this is not how it has affected you, you can feel grateful for that at least.

Its not even having it on SM that is the issue - I know several people who post and it seems reasonable and appropriate - the two I am thinking about are posting about the death of very young children and its fine - lovely actually. And I have other FB friends who post about lost husbands and parents and it is also a lovely remembrance.

But I also see people (who I usually end up blocking) where it is clearly performative and it is not unfair or unreasonable to be put off by it. My cousin posts about my mothers death every fucking year. Its totally performative and the term grief thief is the perfect term for her - its like its harder for her than anyone else and that almost pushes our loss out of the picture.

I have noticed people without children grieve the loss of their parents much more than those who are focusing on the next generation, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone and is only from my relatively small sample selection!

Nope. This is bullshit.

So, I know some people who do this and it does not feel performative and attention seeking. And I know a couple of people who post about lost husbands or parents where it does. So it is not the posting, per se, its the tone, frequency and the underlying attitude which takes it over the top.

@meatsandcheeses you didn't answer when asked if she has a partner or other close family, and if so, what they think of these posts and her wellbeing. Is she your spouse's sister or your sibling's wife? What do they think?

Could SIL be lonely? Or experienced other forms of grief since the death of her dad?

I have found that people who lose someone but dont have many family or friends, or have experiences multiple traumas since, e.g. divorce, assaults, job loss etc can have their trauma manifest as grief.

I think SIL needs some counselling and someone to talk to

Then you really should know better @Blondestripedlassie, you don’t even have the excuse of ignorance.

How bizarre to make such an assumption. My own mother is dead. I had to look after her for months when she was dying. In the middle of Covid. No "staying at home" for me. Had to travel to her house, 6 hours away and look after her and my Dad who is an utter buffoon. Endless health professionals in and out of the house when we should have been isolating. Had to leave my family at home.

I'm still now caring for my Dad, albeit from afar. It's endless, the amount of admin required to keep him safe and comfortable.

No one is saying it takes less than 5 weeks to get over a parent dying. I am saying that 5 weeks off work is excessive.

It was extremely callous and could only be seen as not being so by someone who has never experienced a similar loss. It took me a lot longer than five weeks to recalibrate after my mum died.

That post wasn't callous at all. Parents die. 5 weeks off work for an elderly parent who was in a care home, is excessive.

10 YEARS!

My Mum dies 5 years ago. I think of her often, but I'd never post on FB. Also, her passing has made me appreciate that you should live life well, and that means not moping, grabbing all opportunities for nice holidays etc, retiring early. Your SIL sounds like she's stuck in a hamster wheel. What a waste of what time she has left.

Nope, could not be arsed with this at all, it's not even within the same ballpark as normal and of course she can carry on like this if she wants, and other people can avoid it. I'd avoid her like the plague.

It sounds like she needs therapy.

My dad died unexpectedly 8 years ago, and I'd still say that not a day goes by when I don't think of him for some reason or another. The first few years I'd make posts about him for things like fathers day, his birthday, his anniversary. But I haven't made any post about him from probably 3-4 years now.
No, actually, I didn't mention him in a post back in October, on what would have been his 70th birthday. But only because we, ENTIRELY accidentally, ended up having a family meal on that date. It was completely accidentally. I'd just bought a new house, and it was the first weekend day that everyone was free to come round for a little housewarming meal.
Mum didn't mention it, probably not wanting to detract from "my day", but it was only when we were mid-meal, someone went, "Oh yeah, dad would've been 70 today!"

I expect I'll make a post in 2027 for his 10-year anniversary. It will also be his and mums 50th wedding anniversary earlier in that year, so I might mention him then.

I do have an old work colleague, who is probably 60, who lost her very elderly mum to dementia perhaps 5 years ago. This mum was probably mid-90s. But this work colleague posts at least once a month about her mum.
I do think it's a bit silly, but I figure people can post what they like on their own social media. And if you don't like it, mute them.

Nope it doesn't. It just means that someone like you thinks their behaviour should be the same as yours and that everyone should mourn in the same way. When people say they miss someone on a birthday it is ok to you but they should be quiet all other times is what you mean and suffer in silence. We say talk about our feelings and then when people do it makes others uncomfortable and they say shut up. That is the only thing you want from labelling her. You want her to stop posting in Facebook because of your discomfort not hers. You want her to suffer in silence and never speak about it because you are uncomfortable.

The label is for your benefit not hers. If you label her then she cannot express how she feels. She'd be silenced because you want that. It wont change how she feels.

Imagine telling someone they shouldn't miss their dead family members as it had been too long. Say that out loud to a parent who's kid has died and you'll get an interesting reaction and one that is deserved.

People forced to stay silent when they are struggling and not allowed to use their own coping strategies.

When someone says 'move on' it is never for the person suffering it is about the person who is saying it and their comfort.

Labels are made up the disorder doesn't exist.

Not mean spirited. She sounds hard work and annoying. My dad died a similar length of time ago and l don't go on about it all the time

You're a nasty piece of work. In response to your first comment, yes you are emotionally impaired.

There is a function where you could hide that you read a text on some apps.

You can be annoyed/irritated as much as you want but it is up to you how to manage it. You cannot change her and you have to simply accept that for your own peace. She can use her social media however she wants just like you can. You have choices in this if you actually use them and stop allowing it to get to you.

You’ve muted her. Great.

You can keep scrolling and hide whatever people post about her and change the subject among friends when they mention her in person.

You can delete her texts if it comes up after finding the function to hide people seeing you read their messages (think most apps have them, may be under privacy or notifications).

She obviously finds it comforting to express her self on social media, which you don't have to look at

It doesn't sound like this is impacting family get togethers at all eg she's not crying at the Christmas dinner table or refusing to go to things etc , so it needn't impact you at all

You're being really mean
Perhaps jealous that someone is open with their feelings and can be that honest online?

If she really is posting about it that frequently then it’s either attention seeking or she needs help.

All social media is ''attention seeking'' to a certain extent.

Even this thread.

I would ignore posts entirely, but if you have a close enough relationship with her, perhaps you could have a chat with her in private about how people are worried that she has not recovered in a healthy way. You could suggest that a grief counsellor is a much more proactive way to cope with the death of a loved one than getting on FB where your feelings have the potential to become fodder for other people’s gossip.

So sorry @Rosscameasdoody. Having walked in your shoes, I know how hard this is. 💐

So your issue isn’t her grief.
It’s the fact you feel one should be grieving in private, however hard it is.
And I’m wondering if there isn’t part of you who wonders why she should get all that support but you don’t .

I think you muting her was an excellent idea.
i also think that even though your description of her FB posts are excessive posting, your SIL might well not be posting as much as that (even though it feels like this to you). I’m thinking that because people carry on commenting positively to her posts and after 10 years of posting as much as you say, they would have got bored too.

Are you ungrateful or emotionally stunted? (Which was your question)
No I dint think so. But I feel your reaction is probably more tge expression of your own grief, and how you relate to that. You probably BOTH need grief counselling.