Ever Grieving SIL

I’ve got a friend who does this…
Annoys me because when we did something together once she revealed how unhappy she was, how selfish he was & how he wouldn’t do nice things for their kids despite knowing his time was ltd.. For example I suggested he wrote the kids letters to open on special occasions - did a video telling son how to shave.. that sort of thing.. nope… not a chance he’d do anything like that!… sad….
She was miserable but couldn’t leave because he was terminal… that sort of thing…
Anyway naturally when he was very poorly, then subsequently passed she was constantly posting about him being her soulmate, best father in the world etc… fine…
After years of posts I unfollowed her. Or I’d just click on the ‘care’ emoji without reading!
For me grief should be personal, no need to broadcast it on social media.

At least it's her actual dad, not like the people who jump on the grief bandwagon and just have to post every time there's a tragic news story "my child is the same age I keep imagining it happening to them" or "I hugged my kids tighter tonight"-which they can't just do privately, they have to tell us all about it. Your kid is fine, it didn't happen to you/them. Talk about making someone else's tragedy all about yourself.

There’s definitely a middle ground between frequent ‘woe is me’ posts and forgetting someone. I think I’ll stick with the middle ground. Feel free to let your grief be all consuming but I’m afraid my compassion fatigue will definitely set in

100% this! Agree with every single thing said here.

Literally no one has suggested that.

But there is grief which is expressed publically and there is grief which is performative. And if you are around it, its really clear.

I am sorry @FeetLikeFlippers

So much nastiness on this thread.

You're not a better person for choosing to grieve privately or for experiencing a different level of distress.

It's completely normal in many cultures to have a family shrine for deceased loved ones at home and to continue honouring their memory as part of daily life - because it's also completely and normal to recognise that your relationship with someone continues after they die.

It is toxic to suggest that people have to forget their loved one ever existed - or behave like they never existed - for your comfort and convenience. That expectation is exactly what causes people to become stuck or to need to pay for a professional counsellor because their community is too emotionally stunted to support them the way humans should support each other.

It is healthy to incorporate people we loved and lost into our ongoing lives. Someone doesn't cease to be important to us just because they're dead - that's why our landscape around the world is marked by memorials to people who have died. Why our parks are filled with benches carrying memorial plaques, why we have memorial ceremonies, charitable funds in memory of people, buildings and statues in memory of people, people on the news for fundraising in memory of someone, etc etc etc. Is all of that "performative shit" too?

Is it "performative shit" to care for someone's grave? To buy beautiful flowers on their birthday or any other reason? To build and maintain a memorial for victims of a tragedy? To continue holding Remembrance Sunday services so many years after the world wars? To construct a memorial park for a deceased elderly monarch?

The whole point of graves is that they are a public and visible memorial intended to persist for as many years as possible. By some of the callous logic on this thread they should all be bulldozed.

How sad that you hope to have forgotten your dad after 10 years and never miss him.

It is normal to miss people years after. It is called trauma. Trauma can last as long as it lasts. Shocking you have a time limit on it.

People talk about childhood trauma lasting years but if trauma happens in adulthood then nope sorry gotta shut up about it because people don't like it.

I think many of us know people like this on SM, and I just roll my eyes at them and scroll on.

The people who always post "Happy heavenly birthday X person" as if the person is sitting, in the grave, waiting for the messages on FB to pour in. I know it's callous and I'm not a sentimental person, but I don't truly see the point of any of it. The person the message is "for" is dead so they can't read it, so if not for attention, why? And before anyone harangues me for my lack of compassion-I'm not a sentimental person. Facts are facts.

I don't know. I feel like some people use SM the way people used to use journals and diaries and they should bring those back.

Of course, grief isn't a linear experience and everyone grieves at different rates/depths etc. It's perfectly normal, I think, to be thinking about deceased loved ones years after they pass. I think it would be more unusual if they never crossed your mind again.

However, I think there's a difference between people just grieving and people using their "grief" to garner attention from people, and because it's related to grief, it's nigh on impossible to call them out on it.

In the end, it's her SM profile and she can use it as she wishes. Mute her account and move forward. If this behaviour isn't limited to SM, I'd be tempted to involve DH or her other family/friends to see if she needs support.

But I do think a lot of people who post like that are simply attention seeking. I'm not saying their grief isn't genuine, but I'm saying that their motivation for constantly posting about it isn't genuine. They know it garners them attention and sympathy and so they use it any opportunity they can.

Reverse the story. Tell her how worried you are about her and how much she’s struggling with her grief. Suggest she seeks professional help as it’s not healthy for her to still be grieving so much after such a long time. I’m a daddy’s girl and will be devastated when my father dies but I hope I’ll have moved on in my life after 10years! Whenever she mentions it to you just lay it on thick that it’s not normal ;-)

Depends how close you were to a parent really doesn't it? Just because you could pick yourself up in a week doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. And it obviously wasn't excessive since she came back earlier and tried your way and obviously couldn't cope because it was too soon. And PP implying she was somehow trying to game the system-no words! Because everyone can't wait for a parent to die so we can get an extra couple weeks off work obviously!

I’ve got one who only posts on special occasions unless she is single then it’s back to weekly posts!
(not dad but husband) it’s been 16 years they were together 4/5 years. Only got married as he was dieing. Better for benefits etc. definitely would not have stayed together if he had lived.

Wow. I don't think you need to worry about your children 'embarrassing' you by grieving, if this is how you move through the world.

What makes you uncomfortable?

Its a bit sad that we tell people to talk about how they are feeling and share things then say - only in a way that I want you to do it. Not like that just how I think is ok and if not then shut up.

Stigma is so alive and kicking.

I have a friend who is like this, and to be honest I just feel sorry for her. It stops just short of annoying me though.

I guess you just have to pity someone who is completely unable to move past their grief like that.

I think there is a lack of emotional intelligence involved here, too. The fact is, being mawkishly obsessed with grief is not really a comfortable experience for others around you. They dont know the roght way to behave, what to say, like you're expressing. So constantly sharing the grief like that is awkward for everyone.

I've got two people in my life who can't move on. Another is obsessed with her ex husband, who is admit is the most toxic narcissist. But its hard to hear every single disappointment in life, every resentment, being his fault seven years later.

No she doesn't have wandering womb.

I know someone like this. It's attention seeking behaviour. Ignore it and let the equally fake friends comment 'thinking of you hun'.

Her behaviour wasn’t heathy but I’m not going to tell anyone how to grieve

If a relative of mine was doing this, I'd talk to them about it, say that I'm worried that she's still in a bad way, and encourage her to get grief counselling or contact one of the bereavement charities for support.

I don't believe that that is "telling someone how to grieve". It's expressing concern and trying to help them have a happier life.

I can understand somebody still grieving after all that time but her behaviour sounds more like attention-seeking and it would seriously get on my nerves. My elderly mum took her own life 6 months ago and I haven’t felt the need to mention it even once on social media.

I had a cousin who grieved Iike this after her partner died. He had cancer and surgery to remove the cancer and died unexpectedly due to post surgical complications. Even though he was sick he shouldn’t have died so she was inconsolable. But in the months and years after she just couldn’t get over it. It wasn’t just posting throwback photos to social media - she had set up a shrine at her home. It went beyond a cry for attention - she wasn’t well mentally. She wouldn’t work and her parents had to financially support her. I think she was incapable of processing her grief.

Her behaviour wasn’t heathy but I’m not going to tell anyone how to grieve.

I know of someone else whose daughter and husband have both died in the last five years. She is in her 60’s or 70’s and she posts a lot to social media about how she misses her only child and her husband. Every birthday or anniversary or any time her grandchildren pass a milestone.

Her daughter died after a very common injury. No one expected her death. One moment she was fine, the next moment she wasn’t breathing.

I think her posting to social media is just a place to put her grief.

Some people never recover after a death of a loved one. It breaks them.

I lost my 7 year old son 3 years ago and there are days where I share photos and comment how much I miss him. Yet I lost my daughter 16 years ago and I find it hard sharing her outside of birthdays, anniversaries etc. I have known people become so consumed by grief that it becomes their identity and sometimes it’s the only way they feel heard. I don’t know your situation so I wouldn’t like to comment but if she is like this in real life I would suggest therapy if it’s only a facebook posting thing I would also suggest therapy because there must be something off if her whole identity is grieving her father. I get grief I really do I mean I’m still a mess and it’s physically destroyed me but it’s the public way she is plying for attention that makes me question her motive.

she may have borderline personality disorder. It has many different presentations but generally feeling emotions at extreme heightened levels and attachments being abnormally intense as well as black and white thinking like everything is either good or terrible are part of it.

I lost my Dad but when he died I didn’t post on Facebook as I didn’t want expressions of sympathy from people who didn’t know him and who barely knew me - the attention I got at the funeral nearly sent me running for the hills but we are all different. However, this is such attention seeking behaviour - a bit like the people who post ‘OMG I’m in an ambulance’ and then everyone comments and they reply ‘I’ll DM you’. There’s nothing you can do but your reaction is valid. It’s been 13 years since my Dad died and thinking of him simply makes me smile, there will always be the lingering sadness but the memory of him gives me great comfort and I feel lucky to have had him as my Dad.

Sounds like my ex mil. Every single day there’s a new post about her mum who passed 5 years ago. Either that or a post about how much she loves her daughter. Tbh it’s at least one of each a day some days up to 3 or 4 a day. I just skim past it now and pay it no mind.

Does she get a lot of attention/sympathetic responses from her posts or is every one 🙄 about the posts?