Ever Grieving SIL

Of course we all grieve differently but honestly it sounds like she has made grieving her dad her entire personality. I lost my amazing mum last year so I'm speaking from a position of empathy.

People handle things differently. Maybe letting it all out on social media is how she handles it best.

It's very easy to hide someone for a period of time on FB. If it's negatively impacting them, they can do something about it.

I have muted 2 close relatives on fb for the last few months for this exact reason, and the fact they post about deeply personal issues in excrutiating detail every. f. day! The mention of long dead relatives (15 years ago, and who they were NC with when they were alive) and linking these posts to the younger generation (who no longer use their old fb) feels just like performance grieving for likes to give them an endorphin rush 🙄

Death of parents is the natural order of things, so it is a bit ott

I’d have more sympathy with someone who had lost a spouse or a child and who was still struggling to put their lives back together years later, but losing our parents is part of the natural cycle of life. I would get fed up of seeing that too OP.

But if it’s mainly on FB then it’s not actually grief?
And it distorts what grief actually is. Which can then negatively impact other people when trying to process their own, very normal grief in a healthy way.

Thinking particularly of young people who may be experiencing loss for the first time. Seeing this level of ‘grief’ played out on social media so long after a bereavement can create unrealistic expectations of themselves and others about what normal grief is.

Has she had any support?

Yabu.

When I was a teenager one of my close friends was murdered. It took me ten years before I could listen to her favourite songs or get through her birthday or the anniversary of her death without sobbing. I still find it hard to hear the songs, it takes my breath away when they come on the radio. I still find myself overtaken with grief at moments, like when I realise I'm having a moment in life she will never have access these can be really random, like being on in a family holiday, or voting in an election.

Grief is a funny thing, it hits us all differently, maybe just scroll past her posts?

yanbu, or maybe im mean but 10 years on its attention seeking surely. Fine to think about them, miss them on special occasions or whatever but there’s no need to be posting and wailing… and I’m a little over 10 years on from my dad dying (unexpectedly and quite traumatically), the only social media post was to share the funeral details.

I do know someone who regularly posts lengthy, emotional stuff about her dad who died 30 YEARS AGO. Always ‘thinking of you xxx’ ‘you ok hun xxx’ 🤢

If it's mainly on Facebook then it's easy enough to ignore. There's no time limit on grief and she can post as she wishes on her own social media.

There is a type of complicated grief reaction where it is not processed properly. In which case counselling is needed. Or she could be enjoying the poor me angle - I know a few people who do what I think of as 'competitive widowhood' - every conversation is turned into an excuse to tell you why their life was harder than yours. Its horrible to lose a loved one, of course. But when it is 10 years later and still being used as an excuse to interrupt every conversation, turn it onto yourself and excuse any rudeness (I cant help it, I live on my own because I am a widow you know) its bullshit. Kind of sounds like more of the latter.

Totally agree. I have a friend of a friend who is like this. If someone that she is vaguely acquainted with dies,she goes into grief overdrive. Posting on Facebook even. I hate the way she makes it all about her. Makes me cringe to be honest.

That sounds over the top - like @Notouchingmybhuna I wonder how she copes IRL. If she just goes on like this on social media then it's probably attention-seeking, if it's everywhere then she needs help.

I've got family like this! But because both the dead and perminemtly greiving are chronically online its also repeated reshares of any comment, post or reference he made about her!

It's definitely attention seeking and usually the fact little else of muchness is going on in their life.

I agree,this does sound rather over the top.

If it’s not grief then she might learn why she feels the need to do this..

I knew a woman like this.
She was like that character out of Little Britain. Everything came back to the departed one.
Crisps with your lunch? You can be sure his love of crisps would be mentioned.
No exaggeration.
Solemn nodding was the best I could manage.

I've lost both parents, my adored MIL, and most importantly, my husband.

It may be cruel of me, but I have no tolerance at all for performative or over-sentimental public grief.

She desperately needs counselling - unprocessed grief

How does she function otherwise? In real life?

I lost my dad more than a decade ago. We were incredibly close. I miss him all the time but I wouldn’t do this. My sister in laws do this about their grandma all the time though and it has me eye rolling. Feels like it’s for everybody else and for attention 😬

You don't stop missing people if they meant a lot to you. It sounds as though you think she's attention seeking rather than grieving though.

That would annoy me too and I’ve lost a parent (young, I might add). I know one or two people like this who clearly need therapy. I know
one lady who is still paralysed with grief about the death of a 90 year old parent after years. I don’t get it. I feel you must be extremely fortunate to have them for that long and I’d be more of the view of celebrating how many earthly years they had rather than their death. It’s a difficult one. Grief affects people in so many different ways. I think I’d just mute her.

MIL is exactly like this, but in her case it's her sister who died over 40 years ago. I do understand that some people can get very 'stuck' in their grief, that there's no time-limit on these things and that everyone grieves differently. But in her case it does feel like there's a performative element to it and I have to admit I find it uncomfortable.

What do the rest of the family think about this? Does she have a DH/partner? Is her mum still alive? Siblings?

I'd find it even more maddening if I'd also grieved this. Someone closer to her should surely have suggested counselling by now?