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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be mad at his speed?

90 replies

Thegiftoftime · 18/07/2025 18:22

So DH like his cars. We are middle aged and have responsibilities including one teenager dd still at home and both have professional jobs where we need to be able to commute and could not wfh.
He drives classic sports cars a lot and yes he is very good at driving, however driving his normal everyday car he often breaks the speed limit.
I have repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly asked him nicely, not so nicely and eventually shouted and told him to pull over because I don’t feel comfortable on the long drives we have to do with him driving fast. This has happened dozens of times. I admit I’m not confident on a motorway but we have agreed a compromise that he doesn’t go over 70 as it’s the national speed limit and there for a reason. It’s not just about him it’s other lives on the road.
He now has 9 points on his license. I have again approached him with my concern about this but he nods and says he understands and will watch his speed but he doesn’t. I’ve said that I don’t feel he has learnt from the speed awareness courses or the fine he can well afford. I feel like he thinks is he’s above the law and that really concerns me. He just politely dismisses me.
That and the fact that it’s the only thing I have raised my voice over repeatedly and I’m his wife and he continues to push it and ignore my ask.
Hes just taken my daughter somewhere and the very last thing I said on the drive was “ please drive under 70 and stay safe you have xxx in the car”
DD is autistic and doesnt like cars at the best of times but she has just sent me a screen shot of the speedometer at 78
Im so angry with him.
He slowed down now and they have arrived but AIBU to be fuming?
I am so upset that he has completely ignored me and basically lied also. Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested. Thanks MN

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/07/2025 07:30

You need to have the conversation about the next speeding ticket meaning the loss of his license.

How's he going to feel about not being able to drive his nice classic sports cars? How is he going to commute and how will his job be affected? What will it do to your marriage?

He seems to be totally oblivious to what losing his license will mean.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/07/2025 07:24

Where did he get the points? Probably not on the motorway. I’d be much more concerned about going over the limit in residential areas. Can you drive on long journeys?

Walkden · 20/07/2025 07:23

On the one hand 78mph on the motorway is nothing really. Actual speed would probably be 72 or 73 mph. I thought he was going to be doing 80 or 90 regularly based on how angry your post started and you shouting at him in the car. What speeds does he do on 30/ 40 mph sections?

Many people do a lot more on the motorway and sometimes it does makes sense when doing an overtake to get it over with and back in a lane. If you end up driving at 70mph in lane 3 you will get tailgated by impatient drivers and some will try to undertake.

On the other if he already has 9 points he should be winding his neck in as he can't risk another fine / more points

MaryBeardsShoes · 20/07/2025 07:23

RealOliveTraybake · 20/07/2025 00:40

YABU. Speeds in excess of 100mph are safe on quiet motorways in any modern car. Not everyone has the risk tolerance of a frightened dear.

Please stop driving, your attitude is appalling.

MaryBeardsShoes · 20/07/2025 07:22

@BreadInCaptivity Car technology may have improved but humans are still stupid. Our reaction times are still the same.

Having said that 78 on a motorway in clear conditions wouldn’t bother me that much.

The real issue is people doing 80/90 mph and then driving aggressively.

MsJen · 20/07/2025 07:15

Just Don’t get in the car with him. That’s the clearest message for him. If he’s incapable or unwilling to stick to the speed limit, with 9 points on his licence already, he’s choosing his behaviour.
Choose yours.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 20/07/2025 07:12

It's not so much the speed that's dangerous- it's his arrogance. He thinks he's invincible. Only a matter of time before he's proved wrong.
Hopefully he'll be caught again and banned before anything bad happens.

Zanatdy · 20/07/2025 07:00

I do frequently drive over 70mph on the motorway, as do many, but if I had 9 points on my license and my job depended on me driving then I wouldn’t be going over 70 at all. He is an idiot risking it, when it impacts the whole family not just him if he is disqualified from driving for a year or two.

oudle · 20/07/2025 06:57

A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

So many aren't competent though. They don't leave big enough gaps & often don't indicate.

whynotmereally · 20/07/2025 06:02

I would be doing all driving for dd as I wouldn’t trust him. Maybe when he loses his license he might learn.

PennyCandle · 20/07/2025 00:48

As someone who has gone from being a confident driver to someone who rarely drives after my car was smashed into little pieces by a speeding driver three years ago, I wouldn’t tolerate this. I hope he loses his licence.

PennyCandle · 20/07/2025 00:44

Minecroft · 18/07/2025 18:38

Refuse to get in the car with him or let your child in the car with him. When he loses
his licence, refuse to give him lifts.

This.

RealOliveTraybake · 20/07/2025 00:40

YABU. Speeds in excess of 100mph are safe on quiet motorways in any modern car. Not everyone has the risk tolerance of a frightened dear.

Internaut · 19/07/2025 22:26

What does he plan to do when he loses his licence? It's only a matter of time.

catsand · 19/07/2025 22:14

I’d be annoyed about all the points as that would suggest to me that he’s a careless and unobservant driver, but 78 on a motorway wouldn’t bother me.

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:12

Seems a few on Mumsnet believe they're above the law as usual.

I'd like to see the conversation with a bizzie about the speed limits in Germany if they're pulled over like.

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:09

You can't allow you or your kids to be driven by him OP..let him carry on and get his ban. Then he's got a bit of time to mull over things.

I can't think of anything else other than make sure his life insurance is active.

myplace · 19/07/2025 22:06

It’s all very well saying car technology has moved on since limits were set, @BreadInCaptivity , but the roads are far more crowded now.

Very few people are careful about braking distance. And the people with the new cars may be safer, but the clapped out Fiesta that’s caught up in it is not.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/07/2025 22:02

I've only read your post so apologies if this is duplicating. What are the consequences to your DH AND the family if he loses his licence? ie he may be able to get to work by public transport, but DC cannot get to clubs etc. Or get to se your or his family? If you drive, would he (ie the dickhead) be expecting you to pick up all driving responsibilities?

Whatshesaid96 · 19/07/2025 21:59

I got done driving at 78 on the motorway and took the speed awareness course.

Do I still drive at 78? Nah. Why? One bit of that course stayed with me. When you have an accident it's not just you that has to deal with the incident long term. There are others like recovery vehicles, emergency workers, the other vehicle, hospital workers, the family of the car you hit, your family when you go to prison and so on. That decision of yours to drive fast meaning you lost control in the wet affects so many people.

Also I know if a kid was to run out across the road in a 30 and I hit him and kill him at under 30 I go to prison. I can go to prison and serve my time knowing that there was nothing else I could do and was driving to the law. I am lucky to drive a car with a speed limiter so I can set that to the limit. Once you get to that speed you can't depress the accelerator any harder unless you manually switch it off or flick it up and down as the speed limit changes.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 19/07/2025 21:52

BreadInCaptivity · 18/07/2025 18:35

The speed limit is a figure set many years ago when car technology was very different.

My personal POV is that I follow the limit religiously in low speed areas (20/30/40 mph zones) as they are generally there in built up areas/schools/specific road hazards.

On the motorway not so much. But that’s condition specific - I’d go slower in poor weather or very heavy traffic.

Yes I risk points but that’s on me. A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

That said if that’s upsetting your passenger(s) whilst not unsafe doesn’t mean you’re not being a bit of a dick.

This is spot on. 78 really isn’t an issue. Mumsnet will tell you that someone should face the death penaltY but in real life even the police don’t care. I’ve driven past two speed vans at 78 (saw them after they would have seen me) and I didn’t even get a letter sent to me. I set my cruise control to 73 on the motorway with speed cameras and 75 where there aren’t. I’ve no doubt I’d be fine at 75 where the speed cameras are too.

9 points is the issue. That shows someone who for some reason can’t follow the rules of the road consistently. I drive 200 miles a day for work and see many a speed van but most see them rarely so how has he been caught three times? I once had 6 points with 3 years in between. At 6 points, I did everything by the book because I didn’t want any risk. Why isn’t he doing that?!

marmite2025 · 19/07/2025 21:16

I think I would be having a conversation with a plan for when he loses his license TBH. Because if he carries on it’s when not if really

Pherian · 19/07/2025 21:15

Thegiftoftime · 18/07/2025 18:22

So DH like his cars. We are middle aged and have responsibilities including one teenager dd still at home and both have professional jobs where we need to be able to commute and could not wfh.
He drives classic sports cars a lot and yes he is very good at driving, however driving his normal everyday car he often breaks the speed limit.
I have repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly asked him nicely, not so nicely and eventually shouted and told him to pull over because I don’t feel comfortable on the long drives we have to do with him driving fast. This has happened dozens of times. I admit I’m not confident on a motorway but we have agreed a compromise that he doesn’t go over 70 as it’s the national speed limit and there for a reason. It’s not just about him it’s other lives on the road.
He now has 9 points on his license. I have again approached him with my concern about this but he nods and says he understands and will watch his speed but he doesn’t. I’ve said that I don’t feel he has learnt from the speed awareness courses or the fine he can well afford. I feel like he thinks is he’s above the law and that really concerns me. He just politely dismisses me.
That and the fact that it’s the only thing I have raised my voice over repeatedly and I’m his wife and he continues to push it and ignore my ask.
Hes just taken my daughter somewhere and the very last thing I said on the drive was “ please drive under 70 and stay safe you have xxx in the car”
DD is autistic and doesnt like cars at the best of times but she has just sent me a screen shot of the speedometer at 78
Im so angry with him.
He slowed down now and they have arrived but AIBU to be fuming?
I am so upset that he has completely ignored me and basically lied also. Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested. Thanks MN

They can take away your license now at 6 points and require you to appear in court to argue why you should keep it.

Hopefully he gets another ticket and loses his license.

I wouldn’t let the kids in the car with him and I’d stop riding in the car with him as well.

2thumbs · 18/07/2025 19:17

How will your lives be affected once he receives a 6 month ban? I’d use that argument to get through to him

TheRussiansAreComing · 18/07/2025 19:11

He did 78mph and you’ve got the hump. So would you be ok if he drove in Germany on a derestricted section of the Autobahn at 140mph. Because that would be entirely legal.

our speed limits are the lowest in Europe. 78mph is nothing. Chances are it was 74mph due to the speedometer being uncalibrated.