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Original poster

Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

92 replies

MumsiesF · 18/07/2025 02:55

Aunt is having a big birthday soon. She has 2 dc. They decided to get caterers given the big occasion. My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer! I’m dumbfounded! Admittedly my mother and aunt are very close but bear in mind my mother is elderly, retired and trying to sort out finances after her partner passed away. She is stressed about money and to top it off, this family are well off and both dc have incomes. Aibu to think that this is completely nuts to expect my elderly mother who didn’t even know this was being planned, to put money towards it. I’m seething. My mother has hosted them over the years and never asked for a penny.

OP posts:
tipsyraven · 18/07/2025 08:19

TiddlesTheTractor · 18/07/2025 03:08

Take out the adjectives. Quite honestly it doesn’t really make a difference how elderly or stressed your mother is, it’s either ok to ask for money or it’s not. If it’s not you don’t need to overegg the victim narrative.

From what you’ve said, and there’s always two sides, it doesn’t sound reasonable. How old is the aunt, and what does well off look like to you? Just having incomes is not exactly a sign of financial security.

Do you get on with your cousins?

What a patronising post. OP can put in as many adjectives as she likes and they do matter. Elderly people can be more vulnerable and open to financial abuse or coercion and OP says she is already stressed about money.

TheHouseElf · 18/07/2025 08:14

Think its an embarrassment for anyone over 18 (and 21 in the case of Uni students) expects anything money from their elderly relatives. Time to stand on your own 2 feet and you can't expect a money steam indefinitely. Since you say they are both on good incomes, they've a real cheek and the answer should be a firm no.

13planets · 18/07/2025 08:12

PollyBell · 18/07/2025 04:30

Yes, maybe i reading the op wrong but it feels lile when 2 people talk about someone in a care home like the person is not in the room

Not sure if i could call it ageist but I have lost count of the threads where the op has decided what should happen like people older or whatever else they have decided have less brains

Show quote history

Perhaps because older people DO get more vulnerable, they DO struggle with the day-to-day especially when they are bereaved and have lost the life partner they depended on for support and advice.

It is MUCH harder to say no when you are alone and nearing the end of your life and can’t stand up with strength to the people who are your remaining support and social network .

There’s a reason scammers target older people, and powers go attorney exist to enable older people to get extra support to continue living in contentment.

I saw this with my own mum who lived until her mid 80s and in those final years after my dad had died, she was suddenly much needier, more unsure of her own decisions - unlike her old self.

QuaintCat · 18/07/2025 08:07

That's so rude of them. If they want to have a party with catered food, they pay for it. If it's too expensive, they have to serve something cheaper or invite fewer people. They can't expect relatives or guests to pay.

yakkity · 18/07/2025 08:05

TiddlesTheTractor · 18/07/2025 03:08

Take out the adjectives. Quite honestly it doesn’t really make a difference how elderly or stressed your mother is, it’s either ok to ask for money or it’s not. If it’s not you don’t need to overegg the victim narrative.

From what you’ve said, and there’s always two sides, it doesn’t sound reasonable. How old is the aunt, and what does well off look like to you? Just having incomes is not exactly a sign of financial security.

Do you get on with your cousins?

the details are totally relevant.

asking someone hard up is worse than asking someone loaded who frequently bank rolls events.

BusyExpert · 18/07/2025 07:50

I would find it strange if my mother had been asked rather than volunteered to do that. However it's your mums decision; what does she think about it? is she upset but uncomfortable with saying no? if so support her in how she does it. if not then keep out of it.

Epidote · 18/07/2025 07:43

If they don't have the money they have to downgrade the party.
Other thing would be if your mum offered the money because is a birthday milestone. But out of the blue your aunt asking for a contribution is CF.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 18/07/2025 07:42

Id send them a message saying that they have stressed out your mum & if they cant afford to host the party they need to cut back not hassle pensioners!

Peacepleaselouise · 18/07/2025 07:34

They asked, she says no. It’s only wildly unreasonable if they don’t accept with good grace her no.

Moonnstars · 18/07/2025 07:14

I would clarify the details. Are you also invited to the party? Is it that they have decided to hire caterers and are now asking all guests to cough up towards food?
You say your mother is elderly so maybe she has got the wrong end of the stick?
Also surely her sister is of a similar age?
So I wouldn't take this out on the Aunt, and query it with the cousins. If they are expecting her to pay and no one else then I think I would say to mum to decline and do something else with her sister and help her to arrange that.

crumblingschools · 18/07/2025 07:14

Are they asking everyone?

ParmaVioletTea · 18/07/2025 07:07

HoppingPavlova · 18/07/2025 05:51

I’d give a tinkly laugh, feign confusion and act as though they were a bit mad.

Edited

This.

But basically YANBU. They are chancers.

Pinkflowersspring · 18/07/2025 06:48

Tell your aunt to only host a party she can afford. Tell your mum not to pay. Her age is irrelevant.

Theunamedcat · 18/07/2025 06:44

Her partner has just died? Do they think she has inherited something?

Tangelablue · 18/07/2025 06:33

Your cousin is very checky to ask this. Does he have form for this kind of thing? I would speak to your cousin to ask if he has financial difficulties and to suggest he has a little iceland buffet if money is tight.
Wonder how many guests he's asking this from, The tight git

mindingmyown37 · 18/07/2025 06:31

The thought of asking my aunt to contribute to my mothers party is wild to me, my mum, my cost to bear, asking my siblings yeah but never my aunt or uncle. My cousin would never ask my mum if the situation was reversed.

mylittlekomododragon · 18/07/2025 06:27

Absolutely she shouldn’t pay. Total cheeky fuckers to ask.

SouthernNights59 · 18/07/2025 06:26

Your mother is not the host, so no, she doesn't have to contribute to the costs. What a cheek!!

Therealjudgejudy · 18/07/2025 06:22

How bloody cheeky of them!

nomas · 18/07/2025 06:18

TiddlesTheTractor · 18/07/2025 03:08

Take out the adjectives. Quite honestly it doesn’t really make a difference how elderly or stressed your mother is, it’s either ok to ask for money or it’s not. If it’s not you don’t need to overegg the victim narrative.

From what you’ve said, and there’s always two sides, it doesn’t sound reasonable. How old is the aunt, and what does well off look like to you? Just having incomes is not exactly a sign of financial security.

Do you get on with your cousins?

Of course it matters. My mum is elderly and now finds it hard to say no when people ask for money.

Two men came to give her a quote for gardening work and then tried to browbeat her into getting the work done that day at a very high rate. I had to call them and ask them to leave.

nomas · 18/07/2025 06:14

Betty1625 · 18/07/2025 06:01

Why is it not ok to talk of her mothera age but then you ask about the aunts age?

Show quote history

Excellent question.

nomas · 18/07/2025 06:13

I would offer to speak to your aunt on your mum’s behalf.

Your aunt needs to know that you are looking out for your mum so she can’t take advantage of her.

Betty1625 · 18/07/2025 06:01

TiddlesTheTractor · 18/07/2025 03:08

Take out the adjectives. Quite honestly it doesn’t really make a difference how elderly or stressed your mother is, it’s either ok to ask for money or it’s not. If it’s not you don’t need to overegg the victim narrative.

From what you’ve said, and there’s always two sides, it doesn’t sound reasonable. How old is the aunt, and what does well off look like to you? Just having incomes is not exactly a sign of financial security.

Do you get on with your cousins?

Why is it not ok to talk of her mothera age but then you ask about the aunts age?

SpryCat · 18/07/2025 05:58

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 18/07/2025 05:49

Tell them that as a pensioner, your mother can't afford it and that she's really stressed that they asked.

This 🖕

HoppingPavlova · 18/07/2025 05:51

I’d give a tinkly laugh, feign confusion and act as though they were a bit mad.