Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

Well this has to be a front runner for CF of the year. Unless the party with caterers was your mums idea, of course she shouldn't be asked to contribute. I strongly suspect that your cousins told your aunt she was having a posh party before getting to caterers invoice and now they're scrambling. Catering is expensive.

And now you’re asking for adjectives…

For big birthdays - 50 yrs plus birthdays, it's normal in my circles for the birthday person /partner to pay as they are normally pretty solvent by that time, very odd to ask an aunt /sister especially one who is recently bereaved to pay.

Oh, bollocks. Did you miss the bit where the OP's mother's partner has recently passed away?

And being elderly, recently bereaved, and stressed about money is different to being young and not bereaved and stressed about money. The adjectives count. One's resilience is not where it might once have been

The poor woman being pressured like this.

I am puzzled as to why your mother cannot deal with this herself? Why does she need someone to intervene on her behalf? She is an adult.

I would contact my aunt and ask her what the hell she was playing at. Despite her own age, this can be classed as elder abuse. I would remind her of all the times your mum has hosted her and tell her that if you hear about her doing that again you'll be telling everybody about it.

How much are we talking?
I think as her daughter I’d be saying something to either the aunt so she can talk to her DC or I’d tell the cousins straight that your mum isn’t paying towards the meal.. period!

Beyond cheeky. She should just say no, afraid I cannot.

I would intervene quietly and tell her your mother hasn't comfortable finances to contribute and would rather it was dropped.

So it wasn't the aunt that asked it was her children! And when it's your mums children's birthday will the aunt help with birthday finances? It needs to be said that your mum cannot contribute as her money is spoken for and helping towards a party will leave her struggling. No doubt your mum will be expected to give a gift as well? Someone needs to be tough. If your mum can't face being honest then maybe you need to be the one to say no. In fact aunt doesn't need a reason it's not necessary just it's not happening.. sorry!

It would be good to see the answers to many of the points raised? Nothing more annoying than an original post and then the OP goes AWOL! 🤣

Your mother needs to be assertive. Of course she shouldn't be asked to contribute to this party. She will be a guest and I assume will buy a present.
Even if she was comfortably off it is extremely rude asking for a contribution towards a party she isn't planning. But gicmven her financial situation,it is even worse.

Please stand up for your mum and explain to them the reasons that she is absolutely not responsible or financially capable of paying any money towards this.

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking for a contribution. Expecting one is wrong. Your mum is well within her rights to say she can't afford it and that should be respected. I don't think elderly has anything to do with it. In my family the older generation has usually been the more wealthy, even after retirement. I've never asked them for anything but my grandparents and then my parents were/are very generous as they had much more disposable income than I did/have as a parent raising children who hasn't reached the peek of my career or paid off mortgage.

Is there any reason why your Mum cannot simply say No to the nieces herself? Can she not tell them that she was not involved in the plans so has not budgeted for it?

In total agreement

This would not fly in my family. Five sisters who always have some sort of petty grievance about one or other of them. It's a family joke between me and my cousins, which aunt isn't currently talking to which sister at the moment and what was the petty perceived slight that brought it on. They absolutely thrive on it
which is why they're all living to ripe old ages I'm sure.

I'm just trying to imagine the level of indignation this would arouse in any one of them and I'm pretty sure it would be explosive. YANBU

I stick to the idea - can't afford a party, don't have a party.

Are you sure this is how it was presented or was it more - there’s no presents for the occasion but contributions towards the caterer instead?
in which case I’d find this more reasonable
just a thought.

Thank you for the chance to contribute to DS party. You know how much I love her and I was planning to take her for afternoon tea / buy her a puppy/ organise a parachute jump/ get her a subscription to the bumper annul of cheeky fuckery etc as a birthday surprise. I haven’t budgeted for contributing to the party catering and in the aftermath of DP’s death, I’m having to be extra careful while I organise my finances around my new circumstances. It’s a stressful and worrying time for me as you can imagine. However, I can spare £20 for a bottle of wine if that helps. Yours etc.

Did they demand that she pays a contribution or did they ask if she would like to? In your post you say she was asked. So, whilst it might be cheeky to ask, she had every right to decline.

Their idea to have a party, they pay for it.

Very insensitive and tactless given your mum's current situation. MASSIVE cheeky fuckers.

They chose caterers, they did not consult re caterers, they pay the caterers.

OP's mother has been asked to contribute to her sister's party . None of this is about any grandchildren .