Is this normal these days? RSVP's

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 2025-07-17T19:29:56+00:00

I'm hosting a party this weekend. Very relaxed thing, we'll be around for the majority of the day, then people can come along whenever suits them. However, there was an 'RSVP by' date as I've planned a buffet lunch. So I asked people to let me know either way by x date, and if yes to let me know how many of them are coming. 15 people/sets of people have been invited: - 2 have said yes and sent numbers - 2 have declined - 9 have said something along the lines of 'oo sounds fun, 'I'll check the calendar', or just sent an emoji but then not followed up with a yay or a nay even though I sent them a brief follow up briefly reminding about the RSVP deadline and asking if they could let me know either way as we'd love to see them - 2 haven't said anything at all I genuinely have zero issues just catering for us and the ones who RSVP'd and not for anyone else, it's not about that, it's more...is this normal now? Just to not let people know either way? I could imagine a few forgot, life is busy etc....but 11 out of 15 suggests that this is just normal and I've missed some sort of manners memo? Also is it now? Or has it always been like this, but I'm only noticing it now?

Original poster

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 20/07/2025 12:53

JMSA · 20/07/2025 08:48

How uncivilised would you need to be to believe that an emoji counts as an RSVP?! At the very least, the reply text should start with ‘Thank you for the invitation to …’

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I completely agree. Sadly in a world where people can now react to professional emails with emojis I feel my dissatisfaction with them as a response is fighting against the tide!

OP posts:

JMSA · 20/07/2025 08:48

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 20/07/2025 08:20

So we got 8 out of the 15, which means 6 families showed up who hadn't firmly RSVP's (I'm still on the fence as to whether an emoji counts, some said they used the thumbs up to mean yes and others meant 'I acknowledge the invite' but weren't going to come, so it's definitely not a helpful response). A further 2 let me know on the day they weren't going to make it. 4 had previously said no, so just 1 total no show in the end which feels standard. I'd catered enough for the people who showed up so didn't run out of food.

Not too bad. I'm glad they were there and I didn't say 'no rsvp no attendance' as it was lovely to spend time with everyone. Just wish the prep could have been slightly less discombobulating!

Thanks for all the responses.

How uncivilised would you need to be to believe that an emoji counts as an RSVP?! At the very least, the reply text should start with ‘Thank you for the invitation to …’

Original poster

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 20/07/2025 08:20

So we got 8 out of the 15, which means 6 families showed up who hadn't firmly RSVP's (I'm still on the fence as to whether an emoji counts, some said they used the thumbs up to mean yes and others meant 'I acknowledge the invite' but weren't going to come, so it's definitely not a helpful response). A further 2 let me know on the day they weren't going to make it. 4 had previously said no, so just 1 total no show in the end which feels standard. I'd catered enough for the people who showed up so didn't run out of food.

Not too bad. I'm glad they were there and I didn't say 'no rsvp no attendance' as it was lovely to spend time with everyone. Just wish the prep could have been slightly less discombobulating!

Thanks for all the responses.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 18/07/2025 17:51

Rude and flaky. People that do this are usually the ones who never host themselves so don't think about how much it messes the host about.

My friend has a cunning solution which works fairly well. She creates a FB or WhatsApp group for the event, sets an rsvp date, then sends one reminder and anyone who still hasn't responded within a couple of days gets deleted from the event. She sometimes gets a few embarrassed people asking to be added back.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2025 16:49

Createausername1970 · 18/07/2025 08:41

As you are moving soon, I might be tempted to message the non-responders "Hi Flake, sorry you can't join us on Saturday. I will let you know when we have moved and confirm the new address and hopefully we can get together at the new place".

That might spur them into saying "oh, but we are coming on Saturday"

Edited to say good manners should never go out of fashion.

Edited

This is a good idea.

Or if it's an invite on a group chat say

'We're expecting name, name, name and name on Saturday thanks for getting back to us! Looking forward to catching up
Then and seeing everyone else soon' x

Robin67 · 18/07/2025 10:40

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 18/07/2025 09:54

@HelloCheekyCat @Screamingabdabz In this case it's the difference between catering for 18 people or up to 65. I've gone for about 30. If the food runs out then I guess people will leave in search of it.

But if it is a casual "drop- in" throughout the day, then what if naughty non-responders arrive first and eat all the food before the polite people, who did bother to respond, get there?

Original poster

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 18/07/2025 09:54

@HelloCheekyCat @Screamingabdabz In this case it's the difference between catering for 18 people or up to 65. I've gone for about 30. If the food runs out then I guess people will leave in search of it.

OP posts:

HelloCheekyCat · 18/07/2025 09:38

Screamingabdabz · 18/07/2025 08:29

I think with catering a ‘relaxed’ garden day do you need exact figures? There is no saying what people will eat or won’t eat anyway so just cater for a medium estimate and if the food runs out (which it won’t) people will be fine anyway.

9 out of 15 is a big difference to one or two "not sure" so yes I do think a more accurate number would be helpful!

Whatshesaid96 · 18/07/2025 09:33

YANBU I find it incredibly rude. It's almost as if their own time is more important than yours. Your offering to do something that can benefit them so just have the common courteousy to yay or nay. Appreciate you can be in the middle of something when an invite comes through. If I need to check then I set a phone reminder to ping for a time in the evening I know I'll be free to check and then reply to the invitation.

Octonaut4Life · 18/07/2025 09:32

Just drop a message in the chat and say "if you haven't RSVP'd by close of play today but subsequently fins you're free to attend, please do bring along some food to add to the buffet as we are sorting final catering tomorrow".

orwellwasright2025 · 18/07/2025 09:31

Message again and say "Just need to know numbers for food, so if you don't respond to say yes we are coming I won't cater for you, thanks".

And yeah, they're being rude.

TwinklyBird · 18/07/2025 09:29

AppropriateAdult · 18/07/2025 08:25

I suspect the emoji responses are considered to be RSVPs, by the people who sent them…

This was my first thought. Especially if it’s something like a thumbs up or a heart.

JMSA · 18/07/2025 09:24

So rude. Hope you get it sorted and have a lovely time.

Original poster

Thisisntthowisawthisgoing · 18/07/2025 09:21

@ThejoyofNC @CoastalCalm I did that yesterday, sent individual messages (@upsofloating I avoid group chats 😅) said 'hey I'm off to the shops in an hour so could you let me know how many of you are coming on Saturday?'. Had 2 further responses. So leaving it now, shopping is done, cooking is almost done, we're almost packed as we're heading up there today. Feels like too much to then further be chasing people to have basic manners!

@thesadwitch01 I can really understand the emotion, feels like it's not much to ask of people really. Makes me feel very despondent about my social circle.

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thesadwitch01 · 18/07/2025 09:11

I think people are just really rude and flaky now. I had a big party for my 40th. I sent invites, then chased the non-RSVPs and then a few days before the party sent a message out politely asking people to reconfirm that they were definitely coming as I was using an outside caterer so needed to know exact numbers. From that, I think 7 or 8 people who said they were definitely coming then never showed up. We had so much food and alcohol left over people took home enormous food parcels and we still had loads of it left over for us.

I was really hurt as a few were really old friends. It sounds really mercenary but I was really pissed off about the food. There is a significant cost to any kind of hosting and it’s incredibly bad form.

TheSoapyFrog · 18/07/2025 09:00

I'm not sure tbh. Saying you're having a relaxed party where people can show up whenever during the day doesn't really work with an RSVP. People may be thinking, well I have this thing planned in the early afternoon, but if it doesn't run late then I can go to the party. Or they might already have plans, but they would like to go to your party if it falls through.

If you said it was at 7pm, and I had plans for 7pm that night, I could confirm the RSVP.

Personally I'd save an RSVP for a timed event, but for a casual party where I've said to turn up whenever, I'd cater for the number of people I've invited.

BunnyLake · 18/07/2025 08:51

Zanatdy · 18/07/2025 08:06

I’d just message again saying if you’d like to join for food please let me know by x time

I think this is the best response. It doesn’t sound passive aggressive or threatening (to uninvite). Once food is mentioned it should gee up people and you can legitimately not cater for non-rsvp’s.

upsofloating · 18/07/2025 08:43

Did you invite people individually, or as part of, say, a WhatsApp group?

Createausername1970 · 18/07/2025 08:41

As you are moving soon, I might be tempted to message the non-responders "Hi Flake, sorry you can't join us on Saturday. I will let you know when we have moved and confirm the new address and hopefully we can get together at the new place".

That might spur them into saying "oh, but we are coming on Saturday"

Edited to say good manners should never go out of fashion.

Allswellthatendswelll · 18/07/2025 08:35

I think it's so rude and I blame WhatsApp. I have a friend (who is a perfectly nice woman) who always does the "oh I'll check the dates" and then never does. Then three weeks later once the events over she'll be like "oh so sorry was completely overwhelmed and forgot to rsvp". Who us too busy to send a quick message saying yes or no?! It literally takes 20 seconds. I don't get it as I always know what we are doing at all the weekends for the next few months without having to look! It smacks of waiting for a better offer/ if they feel like it to me and it's just rude as leaves hosts in the lurch. Kids parties are the worst for this!

harriethoyle · 18/07/2025 08:33

Zanatdy · 18/07/2025 08:06

I’d just message again saying if you’d like to join for food please let me know by x time

Yes this - and add “if I don’t hear from you, I will assume you aren’t coming”

whynotmereally · 18/07/2025 08:32

It’s really rude it’s same with kids party’s. I have 3 kids and I don’t remember it being an issue with the older two (20 years ago) but my youngest who’s ten I stopped bothering in the end as I found it too stressful.
posted by accident!

I would send a group text, - going shopping on x day, let me know before then if you would like to come so I can include you for food.

Devilsmommy · 18/07/2025 08:32

People are extremely flakey nowadays and seem to think they don't have to do anything on someone else's timetable. Selfishness galore

Screamingabdabz · 18/07/2025 08:29

I think with catering a ‘relaxed’ garden day do you need exact figures? There is no saying what people will eat or won’t eat anyway so just cater for a medium estimate and if the food runs out (which it won’t) people will be fine anyway.

Keroppi · 18/07/2025 08:25

People are flakier than ever. It's really bad. Sometimes I call them individually which forces the issue - if they pick up! I play it off like I'm at the supermarket and wondering if they're able to come..

If you enjoy their company and want it to just be casual, I'd overcater and send people home with leftovers
You can overcater on carbs which is cheaper than meat.