Does your husband/partner apologise?

My stbx was like this. Never ever apologised, everything was spun as being my fault. He had an affair and has never apologised - his exact words were that he hadn't done anything wrong, and it was none of my business. An apology is about taking accountability for your actions, therefore what you're living with is someone who will not take accountability for how they behave. Once I saw this, I stopped feeling safe with him. During our breakup he stayed living in the house for three months and regularly didn't talk to me for days on end, or even acknowledge I was there. He would talk to our 7 year old daughter as if I wasn't in the room. It really scared me, because it felt like I was living with someone who didn't want me to exist. I agree with all the others on this thread will say this is abuse.

I think from later in the thread this is too late.

I can't get past this bit either! That's some control he has there waiting it out until you apologise (rightly or wrongly) for the sake of his own ego. Ugh not worth it!

Please don't have children with him.

Am I being weird in being confused by the opening. This is little to do with the OP's husband not apologising for stuff, but about him sulking for extended periods when he feels he is owed an apology? I mean one thing is annoying the real situation is darker.

I mean don't get me wrong I think the round about way we ended up there may be speaking volumes about how the OP is feeling about the situation.

Sorry to hear this OP, worth exploring with your husband if marital counselling is on the cards. You must feel quite stifled and unjust a lot of the time! Do you have any children? Where do you see yourself long term? Just asking because you’re obviously feeling quite let down by your husband after trying so hard to normalise what’s abnormal. Healthy relationships and marriages require open and regular communication and readily saying sorry and thank you to each other regardless of who started the argument. I always believe it takes two hands to clap so your husband definitely needs to change! Although It does sound like it’s a chronic issue so might be tough…and especially because individuals who behave like that often have deep seated psychological issues that will require professional help from a therapist. Not any easy solutions here.

If he’s not willing to make steps to change, then you might have to make the first step, which is painful and hard but likely necessary to liberate yourself from this suffering.
You definitely deserve respect though, and if you’re not getting it from your husband, respect yourself and make him earn yours too! Perhaps it’s time to pack your bags and give yourself the respect you deserve!

My DH is exactly the same. Flat out refuses to take responsibility for anything, big or small, or apologise even if it results in someone getting hurt. Unless he thinks apologising will mean nobody can say anything else about it, then he literally spits the apology at you. If I point out anything he did, not to be mean but to suggest he doesn't do it again as it could cause injury or damage to something, he acts like a spoilt child. He'll put on a whiney voice to our adult children and say "Oh look, I've done something wrong AGAIN!"

Alternatively, he'll try and blame one of our children or point out something completely unrelated, that he insists they did wrongly. He's been known to invent scenarios up to deflect from anything anybody might raise with him. It's utterly exhausting and has eroded all respect I had for him.

I make mistakes as often as anyone else, but I have always firmly believed that a heartfelt apology is the least you can offer. Live and hopefully learn. I also understand that when you offer an apology, it doesn't mean anyone you've upset or hurt then has no right express their feelings on the matter in future, for fear of hurting your feelings.

feel as though I am stuck with him now. I don't have the money to live alone.
Please, please don't put up with it.

I just turned 60, got a new job, new house, having a great year after a number of quite difficult ones. Please dont settle for this for the rest of your life - you dont deserve to live in misery. Perhaps speak to Womens Aid to explore if you have any options?

This is abusive and awful to put up with. My dad did this to me as a young teen, it’s incredibly cruel and I have trauma from it. Please get help, he will not change.

Not good at all. The only thing I'd say is I don't expect 'unconditional love' from anyone, but I do expect respect, support, communication, and general pleasantness at the very least, which this isn't.

Agree with all posters who say this is abusive behaviour.
Giving you the silent treatment for long periods is emotional and psychological abuse.
By thinking he is always right and you are wrong is controlling and manipulating.
You are better than this dont live a lonely isolated life with this person.
Or if you cant leave right away leave him to be silent and get on with your life anyway leave him the hell to it.
Really you need to part he wont change.

Dh apologises first most of the time. He can't bear for there to be bad blood between us. This is not to say he's perfect by any means (he has adhd, so parenting/ keeping calm, harmonious relationships can be challenging) but I can't imagine a situation where he'd ignore me for days and never say sorry, or insinuate everything is my fault etc.

Op, your h is abusive. This isn't the way loving adults behave. You deserve much better than this.

The silent treatment is a domestic abuse tactic to ensure that the victim stays compliant and the perpetrator remains in control. What other domestic abuse is happening in your home? Sadly your children are more likely to be a victim of domestic abuse (typically this relates to girls) or a perpetrator (boys) if exposed to it as a child so you may well be right about them copying his behaviour.

Been there, done that. Even worse as we lived in an isolated area so if he didn't speak to me, I had no one else either!

My respect for him dwindled to nothing. Been happily divorced for over ten years now 😀.

Maybe get some counselling to get the confidence to leave?

If my partner went for “weeks/months” not speaking to me I’d be single.

Your partner sounds abusive.

Emotional abuse is so, so damaging. I hope you get out.

My H does apologise and he helps me to find a way back to him when we argue, which I struggle with as it feels so dangerous having grown up with a mother who used the silent treatment with me as a kid. He considers whether he has been an arse or if he thinks I have, and we take it from there.

Tell him that if he doesn't change he will be leaving as he is impossible to live with. You'll be happy to go to Relate to sort it but otherwise it's over. If you have children (you've not mentioned them) l am sure they'll understand your position as they'll have seen him in action.

You could go on strike & not wash or cook for him. Or sleep with him.

Oh, & you are the wronged partner so he has to leave.

All very hard to do l don't doubt but courage, ma brave x

The answer to this is to leave him.

I agree in most part to the majority of replies....with one proviso
If you're discussing a non family matter and have differing points of view...then one of you is proved right then that should be acknowledged but you shouldn't have to apologise for having a different opinion. Every discussion should not need a winner and a loser just a learned outcome.

I would also say that this sounds abusive. If my partner didn't think he was wrong about something, he'd engage in more discussion to try and understand each other better so that we could get on the same page.

Sometimes we just drop it and put the disagreement down to stress if it's over something silly and clearly been made worse by external factors, like lack of sleep or a difficult day.

There are some things that are wrong in black and white (e.g. cheating, lying etc) but other than that I think everyone has their own experience of a relationship when conflict arises, it isn't about finding who is right and who is wrong but about building a bridge between the two of you.

He's treating you like a door mat.
He knows what he's doing and is a bully.
He will continue to treat you like this until u stand up to him. He DOES NOT respect you.
Time to find someone to help you work out an escape plan.

Please read ‘is this even abuse’. There will be much more going on than the silent treatment (which as already said is abuse in its own right) good luck op xx

Everyone's personality is different. There's some things about my DH that would drive others mad, but if I'm upset he will apologise no matter who was wrong.

I had and ex, who did this to me. This is bullying and not acceptable behaviour.
he will always think he has the upper hand by controlling you in to being passive. It is intimidation!