Nanny Dilemma

They do say that a person who marries for money earns every penny.

That sounds wise, and I, too, felt some posters were more intent on you kicking at your employers than the boy's best interests - which was why I posted.

Envy drives a lot of emotional responses on these threads and, outwardly, these parents have an enviable lifestyle. But something - perhaps the fact I've known families like this - tells me the pace is probably something the mother has not chosen. Some of these mums dream of sitting home with their dc watching movies in track pants during the holidays. Instead they are squishing into cocktail dresses and talking to balding biliionaires ... Its not ideal, but throwing a grenade in the mix is unlikely to help the boy. She has probably put together the best system she can manage for him, according to her understanding of the situation.

I'm only dipping in and out of this thread op, and I'm sorry I don't have time to read every post.

But I have seen dribs and drabs of posts about social services and talking to the school etc. I now see he is refusing to speak to his mum on the phone, which struck me as an escalation from your earlier posts?

It certainly isn't an ideal set-up by any means. But it does sound as though his mum has ensured he has a nanny who is trustworthy and whom he is close to. This is an unusual arrangement these days, but I have had my own dc in schools with very high profile parents and the truth is sometimes they do have the attitude - that admittedly dates back a couple of generations for most of us - that children can day to day be looked after by nannies. Often the trips ostensibly involve holiday, but often involve lots of quasi-business lunches etc, and aren't a great place for children to get stuck being dragged along.

We haven't heard mum's side about this. Clearly you have a bond and she knows and has ensured he is safe with you. I would caution against advice from randoms on the internet who don't know the situation first-hand talking you into lots of interceptions that would be going around his parents and undermining them. That may or may not be in the boy's best interests and people online are not really in a position to judge that when there appears to be no immediate danger to this boy. You don't want to do more harm than good - and I'd be careful you don't fill his mind with notions that aren't coming to him naturally. Not saying you are, just putting a different view that in life sometimes we jump (or push situations) from the frying pan to the fire.

You’re the one consistent adult in this boy’s life. You like him and make good money, so I’d be inclined to stick it out if I were you. You won’t ever change his parents, so the best thing you can do for this boy is to show him love.

Make sure you work out your normal fee then AT LEAST double it.
This is a huge incursion into your own private life, but I understand you not wanting to say no, for the sake of the poor, poor child.

There are plenty of families like this, OP. A former neighbour was a children's social worker. She had worked in one of the poorest boroughs in London and also in one of the richest. Both had problems, but in different ways. The wealthy families would shower the children with gifts, but leave the nanny to deal with them on a day to day basis. The parents never spent any quality time with the children, and when social services became involved, the first thing that would happen would be a letter from the family lawyer. The most precious gift you can give to anyone is your time.

I would also suggest if you can that parents organize him a child counsellor preferable one who is family therapy trained

If not abroad alone, could you take him somewhere fun like Centre Parcs?

Good. She should read all about herself

I think he has learned to be polite kind tidy ect from you, his nanny.
You sound like a gem, he is lucky to have you.

Poor poor kid. The sht will hit the fan by the time he’s 15. For sure. He’ll hate his parents and show it. They’ll send him to boarding school. He’ll start real life as just another fcked up adult 🥺.

But yes in the short term he has you and I get it, you can’t leave him. His parents have already dumped him. Awful x

12 days without their child? Tell them straight. The boy needs his parents

c*s 😡

His parents don’t seem to care about him which is very sad. I would have some nice days with him while they are away but tell them you need at least a few weeks break yourself when they get back.

There was a situation last year where he wasn't feeling too good during the night, he went into his parents room and his Father got annoyed so he knocked on my bedroom door, he had a very high temperature so I took him to A&E just to be on the safe side.
There had previously been a situation a few years prior, he wasn't feeling well for the whole day, it was the end of the day and I was getting ready to leave. His Mother had put him on the sofa in the living room to keep a close eye on him, something told me to go back to the house, when I returned he was fitting, because his temperature had got so high and she didn't even realise because she was pre-occupied. Since that incident, anytime he has a high temperature I stay by him and monitor him, and if it gets too high we go to A&E.

Bloody hell, it sounds like social services need to be involved with this family!

The child had a febrile convulsion (not uncommon) while the parent was in a different room in the same house. That's nowhere near neglect and could easily happen to the best and most attentive parent.

Paying a nanny to attend school events and take the child to medical appointments is not neglect.

Going on holiday without your child is not neglect.

Even not having a strong emotional bond with your child is not neglect.

I really can't imagine what intervention you think social services could offer? Maybe signposting to an entirely voluntarily 'connecting with your teenager' parenting course that the parents will never agree to do?

You might think they are crap parents but that isn't a social services issue.

@legoplaybook emotional neglect and abuse is still neglect and abuse. They’re in the list of safeguarding concerns we should look out for, and they can easily lead to plain old neglect or abuse (see the account of the boy’s illness which led to fits, while mum paid no attention) because the protection of the emotional bond isn’t there.

Unfortunately, this child is not being neglected in a way that would interest social services, I suspect.

I really don't know what some posters expect social services to do about a 12 year old child who is well cared for but has emotionally unavailable/uninvolved parents.

Social services aren't parenting police. They can't make people be good parents. Their role is to protect children from coming to significant harm.

This child isn't physically neglected. He isn't being abused. He isn't being left on his own. He is being well educated. He isn't in any danger.
What 'safeguarding' issue is the nanny supposed to report??

Loads of wealthy upper class families offload their parenting responsibilities to nannies, holiday without the children and then ship them off to boarding school by 13.
There's a whole industry of 24/7 maternity nurses and rota nannies and proxy parents.

@Mookie81 that's called a JOB. The nanny looks after the child and gets the benefit of payment for it.

The only unusual thing in the OP's situation is she is getting too emotionally involved.
@BlankStreetMatcha just keep in mind that you are an employee. I've known older career nannies who have given everything to their employer's families, sometimes for decades, and have ended up missing out on having families of their own and realising that they are ultimately just staff.