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Original poster

Nanny Dilemma

286 replies

BlankStreetMatcha · 17/07/2025 18:20

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/08/2025 19:20

Wtf. Loyalty ?

This kid needs help /support and you as a professional nanny need to up your game and talk to the right people

you as the professional nanny who is meant to know about safe guarding

loyalty to parents who go on holiday all the time and don’t seem to love or give a shit about their child , do not need loyalty

you need to give loyalty to the child you are paid to look after , by reporting this

mikado1 · 02/08/2025 19:18

Therapy isn't enough if the environment doesn't change.. I hope the therapist will be braver than you have been able to. Sorry but this can't go on without him being effected long term.

Rowen32 · 02/08/2025 18:53

One thing you keep saying OP is that you always tell him his parents love him. I wouldn't do this, it gives him a very messed up sense of love. He already knows they don't love him as they should, even if you don't want to acknowledge that it's far better for him that you validate his experience and that it is different, rather than confusing him.

Swiftie1878 · 02/08/2025 10:09

BlankStreetMatcha · 02/08/2025 06:48

I will not go behind his parents back and speak to the school, and no one on this earth could ever talk me into it.

No I am not scared of the parents reaction or that I may lose my job, it's all to do with loyalty.

They said they are going to get him some therapy which is enough, hopefully he will feel better once it's time to go back to school.

Show quote history

Loyalty?!

OMG. You’ve gone from hero to worse than zero in this thread.

Zonder · 02/08/2025 08:28

Do you think they will also speak with him about it, before they just outsource to a therapist?

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 02/08/2025 06:48

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 21:44

You really need to read up /attend courses /refresh your knowledge on safe guarding

why are you so adamant to not talk to the school

as a professional nanny looking after a boy who is in need , and expressed his emotions and needs help and support

are you scared of parents reaction /that you may lose your job ?

Show quote history

I will not go behind his parents back and speak to the school, and no one on this earth could ever talk me into it.

No I am not scared of the parents reaction or that I may lose my job, it's all to do with loyalty.

They said they are going to get him some therapy which is enough, hopefully he will feel better once it's time to go back to school.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/08/2025 00:04

I suspect the Op knows very little about safeguarding apart from what she learnt during her Level 3 course ? which was possibly up to 10 years ago.
She works for a private family who prob have no idea about continuing professional development or anything else.

I would wonder if her paediatric first aid certificate was up to date too.

Unlike Level 3's that work in Nurseries / Schools etc. when safeguarding is up to date, yearly ? and the 1st aid three yearly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 23:02

Swiftie1878 · 01/08/2025 21:52

This x 100.
You clearly have zero idea about safeguarding. Please, please, please understand your RESPONSIBILITY to report this to his school.

Show quote history

Thank god you understand @Swiftie1878 - I feel I’m banging my head on a wall

Swiftie1878 · 01/08/2025 21:52

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 21:44

You really need to read up /attend courses /refresh your knowledge on safe guarding

why are you so adamant to not talk to the school

as a professional nanny looking after a boy who is in need , and expressed his emotions and needs help and support

are you scared of parents reaction /that you may lose your job ?

Show quote history

This x 100.
You clearly have zero idea about safeguarding. Please, please, please understand your RESPONSIBILITY to report this to his school.

croydon15 · 01/08/2025 21:49

BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:36

Neither do I

But I have been sitting here wondering how he behaves when it's just the three of them, I couldn't even on imagine him misbehaving.

Show quote history

Not misbehaving but probably lonely in his bedroom as he knows his parents are not interested in him - very sad story indeed.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 21:44

BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:34

I will not be the one who mentions it to his school.

Show quote history

You really need to read up /attend courses /refresh your knowledge on safe guarding

why are you so adamant to not talk to the school

as a professional nanny looking after a boy who is in need , and expressed his emotions and needs help and support

are you scared of parents reaction /that you may lose your job ?

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:36

Anna20MFG · 01/08/2025 20:33

He's probably different with them because they don't know him. With an added dose of sadness and anger towards them on his part due to feeling so rejected and abandoned over so many years. When the dad says, thank goodness we have you, what he means is thank goodness this poor boy has someone with whom he has a reasonably secure attachment.

I would not trust the parents perception of their son, sadly.

Neither do I

But I have been sitting here wondering how he behaves when it's just the three of them, I couldn't even on imagine him misbehaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:34

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 19:51

So basically they don’t give a shit then

maybe if they worked less and gave some time instead of money to their son

this def needs to be mentioned to the school as I agree with @Swiftie1878it is a huge red flag

attention seeking. Yes he wants some love and attention off his parents

poor child

I will not be the one who mentions it to his school.

OP posts:
Anna20MFG · 01/08/2025 20:33

He's probably different with them because they don't know him. With an added dose of sadness and anger towards them on his part due to feeling so rejected and abandoned over so many years. When the dad says, thank goodness we have you, what he means is thank goodness this poor boy has someone with whom he has a reasonably secure attachment.

I would not trust the parents perception of their son, sadly.

Mummyratbag · 01/08/2025 19:56

BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 19:04

Ok thank you.

All I can do now is wait for him to attend therapy, I will NOT be the one taking him there. They need to deal with their child, I can not take on that kind of responsibility.

It hurt, when she said that I don't know the real him, I certainly do I have been caring for him for 6 years, I know him to the point where I don't believe he puts on a front just for me.

I just hope he starts speaking about about his parents at school and to other people, after todays conversation I feel as if I am 'going off them' a little bit.

I have no idea why Mum started to become teary eyed...

Show quote history

Teary eyed ...guilt or feeling defensive I imagine. She knows.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 19:51

So basically they don’t give a shit then

maybe if they worked less and gave some time instead of money to their son

this def needs to be mentioned to the school as I agree with @Swiftie1878it is a huge red flag

attention seeking. Yes he wants some love and attention off his parents

poor child

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 19:04

croydon15 · 01/08/2025 18:34

Just feel sorry for this poor kid, they have no idea how to look after a child's needs.
The father is absolutely useless thinking that money solve everything. The mother doesn't know the real him because she has not given him any time either, a therapist would be a good start, l wouldn't not bother to call her as basically they don't care and that poor kid as only you on his side.

Ok thank you.

All I can do now is wait for him to attend therapy, I will NOT be the one taking him there. They need to deal with their child, I can not take on that kind of responsibility.

It hurt, when she said that I don't know the real him, I certainly do I have been caring for him for 6 years, I know him to the point where I don't believe he puts on a front just for me.

I just hope he starts speaking about about his parents at school and to other people, after todays conversation I feel as if I am 'going off them' a little bit.

I have no idea why Mum started to become teary eyed...

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 01/08/2025 18:41

It needs escalating to his school. This is a severe safeguarding issue.
The dad is right. The child will get them in trouble because they are abusive parents.

croydon15 · 01/08/2025 18:34

Just feel sorry for this poor kid, they have no idea how to look after a child's needs.
The father is absolutely useless thinking that money solve everything. The mother doesn't know the real him because she has not given him any time either, a therapist would be a good start, l wouldn't not bother to call her as basically they don't care and that poor kid as only you on his side.

AlertCat · 01/08/2025 18:19

I’m not sure I would ask that on the phone. I might ask for a ‘parents’ meeting’ like at school where you and they compare notes.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 18:00

Just a quick update

Mum and Dad are back now, and I am back at mine. I asked to speak to them both and told them exactly what their son had told me.

Dad started yapping on about how he works so hard to give him what he needs and desires then once 'we' they leave the house, he has the audacity to tell you that he is depressed, he then looked at Mum and said that 'this child is really going to get us in trouble one day' then looked to me and said 'we are so glad we have you in our lives'

Mum then went on to say that he is probably attention seeking, then became very teary eyed and said that I am not aware of his behaviour when I am not around, and that I do not know the real him.

Dad then chipped back in and said that 'we' are going to have to find him a therapist. I do not know who he was referring to when he said 'we' because this is something that they are going to have to deal with themselves.

Since I have been home, he has texted me thanking me for looking after him and always being nice and kind to him.

We it be rude of me to call Mum and ask her what she meant when she said I do not know the real him?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 15:57

Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 14:28

I’m sorry, but you are using the term safeguarding incorrectly. I am starting to doubt your training. You can keep a child physically safe by being with them. Safeguarding goes way beyond that, and you are not doing this is you don’t inform his parents and choose to keep this information to yourself for any period of time. You should know this.

Edited
Show quote history

I am not fussed if you doubt my training, I know that I am doing what's best for him. Even if I were to tell them straight away, it would not expedite anything.

As before, I am not talking anymore on this matter until they are home.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 14:28

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 12:11

I have already stated my reasons more than once, I am currently safe-guarding him now whilst he is in my care.

I do not want to hear any more on this matter, I've already explained myself.

Show quote history

I’m sorry, but you are using the term safeguarding incorrectly. I am starting to doubt your training. You can keep a child physically safe by being with them. Safeguarding goes way beyond that, and you are not doing this is you don’t inform his parents and choose to keep this information to yourself for any period of time. You should know this.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 12:42

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 12:15

You wont be in that little boys life for long. Maybe it's best to cut the ties all round.

Why would I cut ties?

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 12:15

You wont be in that little boys life for long. Maybe it's best to cut the ties all round.

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