Nanny Dilemma | Mumsnet

BlankStreetMatcha · 2025-07-17T17:20:25+00:00

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers. So.... I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well. Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times. I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of. It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general. During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject. I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday. I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/08/2025 20:07

BlankStreetMatcha · 09/08/2025 15:03

Hi

Just a quick update, he has gone on a weeks break with his mother, hopefully it's the start of them building a mother and son relationship.

I guess my time is done here now, thank you to everyone who took time out of their day to comment.

Is that the first time she has ever taken him alone

saraclara · 09/08/2025 17:00

That's a great update. I hope it signals that his mum has realised that she needs to put some effort into the relationship.

Zonder · 09/08/2025 15:10

I'm so glad to hear that.

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 09/08/2025 15:09

Zonder · 09/08/2025 15:08

That's good. Is it just the two of them? Will they be doing things together? I'm hoping she isn't meeting friends and booking him into some kind of activities all day!

Yes, just the two of them.

He texted me and told me that he is having a nice time, I am VERY happy for them.

OP posts:

Zonder · 09/08/2025 15:08

That's good. Is it just the two of them? Will they be doing things together? I'm hoping she isn't meeting friends and booking him into some kind of activities all day!

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 09/08/2025 15:03

Hi

Just a quick update, he has gone on a weeks break with his mother, hopefully it's the start of them building a mother and son relationship.

I guess my time is done here now, thank you to everyone who took time out of their day to comment.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2025 12:58

Why wouldn’t any loving and caring parent, if their child is in need of extra support - NOT tell the school of something said /happening at home

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 04/08/2025 09:05

saraclara · 03/08/2025 14:58

Excellent post from @Hol9191 .

It's ridiculous that people are demanding that OP contact the school emergency safeguardibg lead in the holidays, because the child has said he's depressed.

While the parents are responding to the needs reported to them by OP, there is no serious safeguarding issue. But I agree that suggesting to the parents that they inform the school next term, in order that they can be aware and potentially support the boy, is a good idea.

Edited

I am certain that his parent will not want his schools involvement and I will not be notifying the school either.

Some of these replies and demands from posters here are just ridiculous!

'Contact the school'
'Notify SS'

No.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 04/08/2025 09:02

ScupperedbytheSea · 03/08/2025 17:16

To all the posters on here saying this is a safeguarding issue, and social services would be interested.

They really wouldn't. I have a number of friends that work in teaching/social services roles/safeguarding roles.

The bar is so high now for what triggers ss involvement, it's absolutely shocking. Not the fault of anyone in those professions, but there's just not enough money or staff to even scratch the surface of what needs doing.

And fee paying schools won't generally stick their oar in for a pupil's emotional wellbeing. They're used to rich, entitled parents, and want the money quite frankly.

EXACTLY!

Thank you for clarifying this.

OP posts:

ScupperedbytheSea · 03/08/2025 17:16

To all the posters on here saying this is a safeguarding issue, and social services would be interested.

They really wouldn't. I have a number of friends that work in teaching/social services roles/safeguarding roles.

The bar is so high now for what triggers ss involvement, it's absolutely shocking. Not the fault of anyone in those professions, but there's just not enough money or staff to even scratch the surface of what needs doing.

And fee paying schools won't generally stick their oar in for a pupil's emotional wellbeing. They're used to rich, entitled parents, and want the money quite frankly.

saraclara · 03/08/2025 14:58

Excellent post from @Hol9191 .

It's ridiculous that people are demanding that OP contact the school emergency safeguardibg lead in the holidays, because the child has said he's depressed.

While the parents are responding to the needs reported to them by OP, there is no serious safeguarding issue. But I agree that suggesting to the parents that they inform the school next term, in order that they can be aware and potentially support the boy, is a good idea.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2025 13:21

Course we don’t want you to get j to trouble with parents but courses I have done means you should alert the school so the child get can extra help

to have it noted that you mentioned it

so yes a text to parents , saying what you wrote above can help protect you and that you have taken the right steps in place

yes it’s summer holidays and my friend is a pastural care officer at school who has said similar

just making the school aware

of you text the parents and they say no need to inform school. Then what ?

this boy to me is crying out for help - I’m glad he had you and can speak to you as sounds like his parents really done care and throw their money and love and care at him via you

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 12:07

Hol9191 · 03/08/2025 11:58

OP, I work in a secondary school, I am safeguarding level 3 trained and I work closely with the DSO and DSL in my role and I can tell you now what would happen if you reported it to them. They would ask you if the parents are aware. Yes they are. They would then ask if you felt he was in any immediate danger of harming himself, you don’t. Therefore their advice would be for the parents to make a GP appointment or a therapy appointment (if they wish). I know people think that the DSO in school would start working and making referrals in the holidays but they won’t. Once he is back at school they would speak to his parents and potentially offer referrals to agencies that schools have access to and would possibly offer some support in school with their in house ELSA’s or therapists if they have them. They would also advise that if he was in immediate danger of harming himself to contact the police. In all of our training this is what we are told to advise the parents. Whether it was you, the parents, or the next door neighbours dog that reported it to school, they would make a log of it on their safeguarding system for sure, but anything beyond that would be discussed with the parents. For people saying you have a duty of care to report it to the school, it is the parents that have that duty of care, your duty is to report it to the parents which you have. You could go above and beyond and contact school yourself but their response would be that they’ll discuss it with his parents. I think sometimes people believe that school’s have a super power to safeguard children beyond the parents ability to but you can’t even refer a child for early help in the UK without parental permission! If I was you, I would send a text to the parents and say that you’ve been thinking and school should be made aware so that they can put support in place for him, all there to support together type of thing. Then this is also in writing.
For the people attacking you on here, some of it I have had to bite my tongue because they speak like they are so full of knowledge when they aren’t. The child HAS NOT made any allegations against the parents at this point so schools/external agencies and services would tell the parents EVERYTHING he says unless it’s a direct allegation against them. In that case school would bypass and refer to Social Care but even in that case, the parents would still be made aware it was happening.
Safeguarding is everyone is rightly so, everybody’s responsibility, not set people, but whilst the are no allegations against the parents you have done the right thing. If you ever felt that something wasn’t safe to tell the parents, you can then refer to school or social care yourself if you needed to.
For people absolutely ripping into you without any professional knowledge, go enjoy your weekend 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thank you 🤗

I really appreciate you, some people here just don't understand and I feel like they just want me to get into trouble with his parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 12:03

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2025 10:59

you explain it well

telling parents isn’t enough as they are the problem

Show quote history

If it was sexual or physical assault, believe me I would be straight on the phone to the police and social services would automatically be informed.

Again, he said that he is feeling depressed

His father said that he is going to get him some therapy, once there hopefully they will get to the problem which is - His parents not making enough time for him, this will be there wake up call, hopefully they will take notice of this and start to parent him, he and his parents need to sit in a room together whilst he tells them what is making him 'unhappy' 'depressed' I know once they change their ways he will be fine.

But here you all are telling me that I must inform the school someone even said social services (SS will not even take this case on - and I wouldn't want them to either, especially when there are children out there that are really going through it) when therapy which could solve this problem hasn't even taken place yet.

I will update once he has been to therapy, when I speak to his mother again I will ask when he will be attending, and of course I will offer my support, but I will not be escorting him there.

OP posts:

Hol9191 · 03/08/2025 11:58

OP, I work in a secondary school, I am safeguarding level 3 trained and I work closely with the DSO and DSL in my role and I can tell you now what would happen if you reported it to them. They would ask you if the parents are aware. Yes they are. They would then ask if you felt he was in any immediate danger of harming himself, you don’t. Therefore their advice would be for the parents to make a GP appointment or a therapy appointment (if they wish). I know people think that the DSO in school would start working and making referrals in the holidays but they won’t. Once he is back at school they would speak to his parents and potentially offer referrals to agencies that schools have access to and would possibly offer some support in school with their in house ELSA’s or therapists if they have them. They would also advise that if he was in immediate danger of harming himself to contact the police. In all of our training this is what we are told to advise the parents. Whether it was you, the parents, or the next door neighbours dog that reported it to school, they would make a log of it on their safeguarding system for sure, but anything beyond that would be discussed with the parents. For people saying you have a duty of care to report it to the school, it is the parents that have that duty of care, your duty is to report it to the parents which you have. You could go above and beyond and contact school yourself but their response would be that they’ll discuss it with his parents. I think sometimes people believe that school’s have a super power to safeguard children beyond the parents ability to but you can’t even refer a child for early help in the UK without parental permission! If I was you, I would send a text to the parents and say that you’ve been thinking and school should be made aware so that they can put support in place for him, all there to support together type of thing. Then this is also in writing.
For the people attacking you on here, some of it I have had to bite my tongue because they speak like they are so full of knowledge when they aren’t. The child HAS NOT made any allegations against the parents at this point so schools/external agencies and services would tell the parents EVERYTHING he says unless it’s a direct allegation against them. In that case school would bypass and refer to Social Care but even in that case, the parents would still be made aware it was happening.
Safeguarding is everyone is rightly so, everybody’s responsibility, not set people, but whilst the are no allegations against the parents you have done the right thing. If you ever felt that something wasn’t safe to tell the parents, you can then refer to school or social care yourself if you needed to.
For people absolutely ripping into you without any professional knowledge, go enjoy your weekend 🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 11:56

Swiftie1878 · 03/08/2025 10:00

No, we want you to protect this boy and fulfil your safeguarding responsibilities. If anything happens to him, you will be in big trouble for not waving the flag.

Show quote history

There is NO flag to wave.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2025 10:59

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/08/2025 10:24

The Op does not understand safeguarding nor safeguarding leads, i.e. whilst she may have informed both parents and as this is a private family job she has reported it to the lead ( either the mother or father ) but

the Op needs to think outside of the box so to say.

If it has been sexual or physical abuse by one or both of the parents it would be not appropriate to report to the safe guarding lead ( the parents ) she would need to report it to the School or Social Services.

This is why she cannot understand informing the school.
as she believes that having told the parents she has done what she needs to do, not taking into account or consideration that it is the parents that are the issue here.

Had the situation been physical or sexual abuse by someone else i.e. a relative or parent of another child then yes informing / reporting to the parents would be right as they in that case would be the safeguarding lead.

Probably a cack handed way of trying to explain this to the Op

but the Op is coming across is very young, and I think we forget she has been in this job for 6 years and has become comfortable / complacent and does not intend leaving this job as she plans to stay for I believe it is another 6 years.
Tho I cannot imagine there are many 17 year olds that have a sole charge live in Nanny.

Maybe the Op ought to inform / report it to Social Services due to her refusing to inform the school.

you explain it well

telling parents isn’t enough as they are the problem

TenaciousDeeds · 03/08/2025 10:56

I’ve read all your comments OP - how utterly heartbreaking.

On the positive side though, this boy is on the cusp of growing up, becoming independent and getting a sense of who he is - he’s going to change so much in the four years you’re still looking after him.

He’s got two out three - money and a lot of friends. He may not have parental love but for now he’s got yours. When it comes for your time with him to end I think he’ll be ready to soar IMO.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/08/2025 10:24

The Op does not understand safeguarding nor safeguarding leads, i.e. whilst she may have informed both parents and as this is a private family job she has reported it to the lead ( either the mother or father ) but

the Op needs to think outside of the box so to say.

If it has been sexual or physical abuse by one or both of the parents it would be not appropriate to report to the safe guarding lead ( the parents ) she would need to report it to the School or Social Services.

This is why she cannot understand informing the school.
as she believes that having told the parents she has done what she needs to do, not taking into account or consideration that it is the parents that are the issue here.

Had the situation been physical or sexual abuse by someone else i.e. a relative or parent of another child then yes informing / reporting to the parents would be right as they in that case would be the safeguarding lead.

Probably a cack handed way of trying to explain this to the Op

but the Op is coming across is very young, and I think we forget she has been in this job for 6 years and has become comfortable / complacent and does not intend leaving this job as she plans to stay for I believe it is another 6 years.
Tho I cannot imagine there are many 17 year olds that have a sole charge live in Nanny.

Maybe the Op ought to inform / report it to Social Services due to her refusing to inform the school.

croydon15 · 03/08/2025 10:10

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 08:12

Not to be rude, but are you actually listening to yourself?

Why on earth would I contact them now, when he is due to return back in 4 weeks?

Next time I speak to them, I will ask them if they've arranged therapy for him, and again I will not be taking it upon myself and notifying the school.

It's almost as if people here want to get me in trouble with this family.

Show quote history

Agree with you OP, not only you could lose your job but there is no consideration for the child who would be totally devastated.

Swiftie1878 · 03/08/2025 10:00

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 08:12

Not to be rude, but are you actually listening to yourself?

Why on earth would I contact them now, when he is due to return back in 4 weeks?

Next time I speak to them, I will ask them if they've arranged therapy for him, and again I will not be taking it upon myself and notifying the school.

It's almost as if people here want to get me in trouble with this family.

Show quote history

No, we want you to protect this boy and fulfil your safeguarding responsibilities. If anything happens to him, you will be in big trouble for not waving the flag.

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 03/08/2025 08:12

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/08/2025 21:04

All schools have a safe guarding officer. A pastral care officer. They can be contacted in holidays and weekends

so you are saying in sept once back at school you will tell the school

or wait to see if does therapy and how he is

if he does do therapy then great but again the school if they know, can help and advise and keep an eye on him

if he doesn’t do therapy as sure the parents won’t set it up unless they ask you to - which you need to tell them they need to do this - but if they don’t then again school needs to know

either Way the school needs to know , so that they can give support to help this boy

Not to be rude, but are you actually listening to yourself?

Why on earth would I contact them now, when he is due to return back in 4 weeks?

Next time I speak to them, I will ask them if they've arranged therapy for him, and again I will not be taking it upon myself and notifying the school.

It's almost as if people here want to get me in trouble with this family.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/08/2025 21:04

All schools have a safe guarding officer. A pastral care officer. They can be contacted in holidays and weekends

so you are saying in sept once back at school you will tell the school

or wait to see if does therapy and how he is

if he does do therapy then great but again the school if they know, can help and advise and keep an eye on him

if he doesn’t do therapy as sure the parents won’t set it up unless they ask you to - which you need to tell them they need to do this - but if they don’t then again school needs to know

either Way the school needs to know , so that they can give support to help this boy

Original poster

BlankStreetMatcha · 02/08/2025 20:23

You are telling me that I must notify the school, I am sure the majority of people here have children of their own and are aware that it is the summer holidays now.

His Father said that he is going to get him some therapy, so why on earth would I notify the school when he returns in one months time?

And what would I say to them 'X told me that he was feeing depressed, his currently attending therapy sessions' there has not been a change in his behaviour at school, if there were I would have been notified of it.

Please make it make sense.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/08/2025 19:21

Swiftie1878 · 02/08/2025 10:09

Loyalty?!

OMG. You’ve gone from hero to worse than zero in this thread.

Show quote history

I literally read @BlankStreetMatcha reply and did mine without reading rest of replies

I 100% agree with you @Swiftie1878