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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable - different standards in the home

35 replies

Cantgetbehindtheradiator · 17/07/2025 14:14

I value a tidy house. I fully subscribe to the “tidy house, tidy mind” mindset. It genuinely affects my mental health, focus, and overall happiness. If it were up to me, we'd live with minimal stuff, clear surfaces, and everything put away after use. But of course, I live with two young children and a husband who doesn’t share the same standards, so over time I’ve had to learn to relax my expectations.

And I have relaxed. I’ve made peace with a certain amount of chaos. I see the joy in things like a half-finished magnatile or LEGO project that stays out for a while. But there are limits. I’m not okay with anyone stepping on things instead of over or around them, or having no clear floor space to sit and play. Things get broken and lost, and we don't have the money or environmental bandwidth to be replacing things that should have been cared for. I’m not aiming for a showroom, I'm not on socials so definitely not motivated by an insta house! I am aiming for a home that functions, that feels safe and calm, where you’re not stepping on crap all the time.

What’s frustrating is that every time I try to accept a “lower bar,” it seems to drop even further. My husband is much better than he used to be but the truth is he just doesn’t see mess. He needs it pointed out before it even registers, and I’m tired of being the one to notice. Our kids (7&4) also don’t care, which I get is age-appropriate and pretty standard, but it still feels like I’m constantly the one picking up, reminding, chasing, and trying to keep the whole place from falling into chaos.

So I'm questioning if am I the one being unreasonable? I feel like the stereotypical nagging mum, clinging to some outdated idea of order while everyone else is fine with mess. If 3 out of 4 people are fine with stuff being lost, broken, or cluttering up every surface, does that mean I'm the one who should let it go?

YABU - go with the majority and learn to live with it
YANBU - I don't even know what, the opposite I guess 😂 stick to your guns and keep trying to train them all to tidy up after themselves!

OP posts:
ZoggyStirdust · 17/07/2025 17:40

My other half doesn’t see mess. I often get accused of nagging when I ask them to clean their mess up, or of being passive aggressive when I do it “to prove a point”.

I like things to be clean, they don’t really mind. The solution appears to be me keeping things how I like…

Verv · 17/07/2025 17:37

They absolutely do see mess but just think its somebody elses job to deal with.

I have learned this after losing my shit at one who found it perfectly appropriate to make food and leave a trail of soup, butter splodges, and crumbs all over the worktops not five minutes after id cleaned them all. For the umpteenth time.

Remarkably in this new post apocalyptic world he can make lunch and leave the kitchen spotless.

classiccake · 17/07/2025 17:32

This is why i love living on my own.
Men and women are the same some see mess some dont.
My mother a clutter bug and never saw mess wouldnt wash a cup up.
My step dad clean and clear minimalist.
They spilt up thank god, mother still the same living in filth the last i heard of her. Step dad lives in india and still a minimalist i visit him throughout the year.

rocksmetalandwood · 17/07/2025 16:57

No one is wrong or right. In the same as you, hate mess but my kids don’t, they won’t clear up after themselves, DH is even worse. I’ve just duly accepted it as my duty. It does piss me off though.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/07/2025 16:56

Please don't perpetuate the whole "men don't see mess" bollocks.

Your issue isn't your standards - it's that your DH is a lazy fucker who thinks it's your job to clean up after him, and as your children don't know any better, they're following in his footsteps.

ZoggyStirdust · 17/07/2025 16:55

It depends on here

tidy man messy woman. He’s anal, uptight and abusive, leave him

messy man tidy woman. He’s lazy, doesn’t care, and abusive. Leave him

Endofyear · 17/07/2025 16:53

We had two big toyboxes in the lounge and at the end of the day, the kids had to pick up all the toys and chuck them in the box - didn't take long and it was a non-negotiable. I couldn't relax in the evening if there was stuff everywhere! Get more storage if you need it and then everything has a place.

Picklechicken · 17/07/2025 15:49

This is why women get to menopause and end up wanting to live on their own with cats, minus the adult children (by then) and the dh. In the end it just drives you nuts. I am currently in this living hell, with dd aged 22 and Ds aged 13 and a dh who keeps all kinds of useless shit “just in case”.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 17/07/2025 15:46

I don't believe men don't see mess, I believe the majority of the time they think it's someone else's responsibility. I haven't observed cohabiting gay men who don't see mess.

When I wasn't responsible for the house, I didn't notice what needed doing. I didn't notice the toothpaste running low or that the carpet needed cleaning because I wasn't expected to take care of it. Many men have a clean fairy and don't feel an obligation to pull their weight.

This is because they have a division of labour and the housekeeping isn't part of their division.

FlyingUnicornWings · 17/07/2025 15:33

Imo, men don’t see mess/stuff that needs cleaning*. My husband and I share the household tasks, but he definitely doesn’t see beyond the surface.

I’ve definitely had to lower my standards, but I’ve also learned to ask if there’s something that needs doing that I’d like him to do. He’ll do it no problem, he just needs asking.

A good solution is making sure you have plenty of storage and that it’s organised. That way there’s no excuse for him to not pop stuff where it belongs. Maybe work on that together as it shouldn’t just be you carrying the load - you might just need to give him step by step instructions on what you need his help with. 🫣

*much the same way they can’t find anything, especially if it’s right under their nose.