To cancel my wedding

It's not just his wedding though, he can't decide it all, your feelings need to be considered too and if you want something smaller then you need to work together on a compromise.

If you don't want to get married because you don't want to BE married, don't for the love of God do it. I'm fresh out of the divorce trenches - took 14 months and cost me c 10k. Never again.

If you don't want to get married because the actual wedding day, as it's currently panning out, makes you want to run 1000 miles in the other direction, you need a serious chat with your DP about the whole thing. Hammer all the details out and try to, between you, fashion a day you can both cope with, taking everything else you have going on into account. And tell your mother to butt out.

You should never ever get married if you don’t want to. But I’m still not sure if the issue is the wedding or being married.

Either way, you’re obviously feeling under huge amounts of pressure right now. I think you should press pause on the wedding. Sit down with your DP and say it’s all too much right now (work, exam, DD, plus the wedding). Ask him to agree to postpone the wedding. Then get him to contact the venue to move your deposit to a future date (or ask for a refund if it’s within the Ts and Cs of whatever arrangement you have agreed to). After your exam, start planning the wedding you want, IF YOU WANT IT.

Also, ask yourself why are you so worried about the future guests? Why are there expectations of being invited more important than you? Fuck that. Having watched friends and family go through with weddings because they felt like they had to go through with it and couldn’t let people down, I always support a person’s right to call off a wedding, even if it’s 30 seconds before they are about to walk down the aisle.

Why do you HAVE to have bridesmaids, just because he wants usher's?
If he wants the wedding, let him do all the planning. Why are you organising it?
He has basic tastes, let him crack on.
Don't worry about what you've told people.
Maybe compromise and get married in a registry office, he plan the party after?

Have you told him that this isn't what you want?

If so, he just wants a wedding to whoever will consent - he's very inconsiderate of you as a person if he's steamrolling ahead regardless.

Honestly, I would postpone it. Indefinitely if needs be. You are not ready, your heart isn't in it, you're being pressured. Each of those is reason enough.

As for people having adjusted their plans, it's far enough away that they can unadjust. Honestly, if I said to you I've cancelled it for you, it's all gone away, how would you feel? If the answer is 'relieved', do it for yourself.

Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam.
Why not?

and you 'can't be bothered' - thats really cold.

What do you mean? Why would it be naff for him to have a few ushers and you not have any bridesmaids? Naffer to think the numbers have to match.

DH had 4 ushers and a best man plus my dad and his in the same suit. I had two bridesmaids. Another friend had 4 ushers/best man and no bridesmaids.

It sounds like you need to sit down and come to a compromise on what to do and what not to do focusing on what's really important and giving the other stuff up

It's almost a year away, I'm sure people can cope with a cancellation at this point. It'll get worse the longer you leave it.

Big can be big in terms of numbers it need not be naff. You can make it how you want it. You can make it less work by getting planner etc, this costs more but saves time. Most work is at the beginning to decide on suppliers and book things, then at the end to sort out details. Apart from the legal bit you do it your way, low key festival vibe or full on glitz. Village hall self catered or production line venue or full on exclusive use weekend affair. You don’t need to have bridesmaids/be led down the aisle/have formal speeches.

You don't want to get married OP, that should be enough to not do it.

But putting a pin in that even- of course you can cancel, people will be fine. Are you suggesting you need to have a wedding you don't want so as not to put people out? If anything you'll be giving them their bank holiday weekend back.

Catch yourself on.

Even a big wedding doesn’t need to be stressful. There’s no reason you can’t do a January exam and an Easter wedding.

Delegate all event planning to your DH. Tell him you'll be turning up on the day in a dress and the rest is for him to sort. He wants the wedding, he doesn’t get to dictate that YOU arrange a big wedding.

Time to assert boundaries and allocate tasks.

Say to your DP:

I am getting married as I love you and you want to, therefore, if you want a big wedding - you have to organise it.
Until the end of January my priority is the exam and my DD, after this date I will be available to help a bit, however, I expect 90% of the wedding to be organised at this point. If it isn't, we will be calling off the big wedding and go to a register office.
My preferences for weddings are the following - (be as detailed or vague as you want).

Then you have to step back and let them get on with it.

Your partner wants the wedding he needs to plan, organise etc etc. Tell him it’s all on him & you will turn up on the day.

Change the venue. Make it an upscale but small intimate manageable event. Like am early evening ceremony and nice dinner in a posh hotel. More meaningful less circus.

This is my sisters life. I can’t lie it brings her so much pain. Can you not elope?

If it really is just about having a big wedding, talk to him. He must already know that you’re under a lot of pressure in other areas of your life. Surely you just say that if he really wants it that’s fine, but you need to take a major step back from the organisation. Then leave it to him to organise. Turn up and enjoy your day!!

I think you've got yourself into a mess here. You don't want to be married. Yet you've agreed. You don't want a big fuss of a wedding. Yet you've gone along with it. And now you've come up with a reason to call it all off, and its not going to land well with your partner at all. Really you should have been more assertive way earlier and not allowed these expectations, because back tracking now will be messy and will cause upset. However, I think its what you need to do. You need to sit down with your partner and explain yourself and be honest about what you want. Everyone else is of much less importance than the two of you.

Why did you agree to a big wedding if you didn't want one. I had mine in a registry office. Did you tell him you didn't want to get married. Sounds like you haven't discussed any of this with him.

What you do in that situation is not get married!

It's a significant legal and financial commitment, which both parties have to consent to willingly and of their own free will!

If they are really your life partner then you should be able to talk about this and your worries. It sounds like there is just too much pressure on everything and your daughter has been through a lot already.

Is the issue that you don't want to be married at all - or you just don't want a big lavish wedding? As others have said, if it's the first, then cancel everything as soon as possible. If it's the second, then you go to the registry office with two witnesses and have a nice lunch/party afterwards.

None of those are barriers to having a wedding though. If you don’t want one, you need to just tell him straight up