To cancel my wedding

You don’t have to say but is the pressure cultural? Explain to your finance that you don’t want a big wedding and are unhappy about the timing. If he truly loves you, he will agree to postpone. Better to do it as soon as possible. Yes, there’ll be a bit of initial gossip but people can cancel flights etc now if you tell them quickly.

How much money will you lose?

im not married and dont want a wedding but feel i ought to one day as we own a property and have a child (tax )

Reverse roles.

Let him organise the wedding of his dreams and just turn up.

It's not too late to change things- yes there will be uncomfortable conversations but life happens, and the people who matter will support you in any changes to your plans. Anyone who does otherwise isn't worth worrying about. There sounds like a lot of 'I HAVE to do xx' in your posts, but you don't have to do any of it- if you don't want to get married you don't have to- you can say to your partner that you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him, but that you said yes to the wedding for him but have realised you really don't want to get married. He might accept it, or he might decide it's a deal breaker for him. Or maybe you're happy to compromise and get married, but only in a small ceremony without lots of fuss. That's compromise for both of you, and if it's important to him and he values you that's a very reasonable thing to do. Or he insists on a big wedding that you don't want, maybe you're ok to compromise and stick with the big wedding but move the date, or maybe it's a deal breaker for you. It doesn't sound like the current plans work, and so are likely to damage your relationship rather than support it. You absolutely have a right to do what's right for you, so have a good think about what you want, and talk about it with your partner- if you're committing to a lifetime relationship, married or not you both have a responsibility to raise issues and communicate about them. It's still a long way ahead, and at the end of the day weddings are about supporting the couple with their future, people should respect your decisions if you change your plans, and support you in whatever they change to...

You don't sound as if you are not on the same page, you sound as if you are not even in the same book. Talk to him, tell him no, and then live with whatever the consequences are. It sounds to me as if he won't be a great loss to you. And he deserves someone who is in sync with him, as do you. Neither of you are going to be happy this way.

Don't then! Why are you so fixated on having bridesmaids if you don't want them? He can't be simultaneously insistent on specific things like having them at all and yet so uninterested in what they do.

What else is there? I had a big wedding, all traditional. Not naff at all as far as I'm concerned. It really wasn't that big a deal to organise.

Like I say, you are desperate to find an excuse not to have this wedding. You do not need an excuse or permission.

If I have to have a wedding

OP - I have just read your other threads including the one about your daughter and your abusive ex.

Gently, I really, really don't think you should be getting married. And I think you know this.

You're doing it because your partner is a good man and you're scared that if you say you don't want to marry you then he might leave but honestly, you have been through a lot and so has your young daughter.

I think you need to put the two of you first and not your partner or your mum.

He thinks that I am insisting on more detailed plans than are necessary. I agree with him.
For example, if I have to have wedding attendants, it seems obvious that they have to be told what to wear (probably something matching), what to do, and need to play a role in the wedding You don't have to have bridesmaids just because he wants you to. It's fine to ask them to sort their own dresses if you aren't bothered about them matching and they don't need a role other than tirning up and walking behind you.
He doesn't think any of this is such a big deal and that I am making it more complicated than it has to be. It isn't, and you are. Which is fine because you're looking for excuses to cancel but you don't need an excuse or to make out stuff is a bigger deal to arrange than it actually is if in the end you don't want the big wedding at all.

Don’t tell us tell him.

Your very first sentence is that you don't want to get married. For that reason alone you should cancel. Your friends and family will get over it.

Cancel it. Other people won’t care.

I was in your position. One failed marriage and never wanted to get married again but partner was really keen. It wasn't him I had doubts about just the whole wedding fandango.

Our compromise was a small registry office wedding with about 20 people followed by a meal at a nice Chinese restaurant for the guests. It was a lovely day and I was so much more comfortable with it all than if it had been something big and showy. Been married 30 years now.

If your partner is a decent man he cares about being married to you, not a fancy big wedding. Call off the extravaganza.

But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Whenever me and DH have plans cancelled on us, we're always (not so) secretly delighted. Unless it's last minute and we can't get refunds on travel, accommodation etc but this is next April you're talking about. I promise you that most people won't care!

I worked full time, did an exam, ,was pregnant and moved house three weeks before my wedding in 2006.. I suspect you are looking for an excuse to back out? If your exam is in jan and your not getting married till Easter that leaves a lot of time for preparation surely ? If you don’t want to do it back out .. but it may cause ramifications particularly if you still want to stay with your partner

OP, I think therapy rather than a wedding would be a better use of money at this stage.

Nope not at all. But this doesn't sound like the life you want either.

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story.

Um, no. It's really not. It's the most important part of your post.

You have a daughter you need to take care of who has been abused by her father, a mother who is pushing you into doing something you don't want to do and a partner who also sounds like he also doesn't care about your needs.

Without wanting to sound unsympathetic, if your daughter is struggling and needs so much support due to abuse from her father, why are you marrying someone else?

I think you need to drop a few balls and accept things will be less than perfect.

If you don't want NOT to get married and it's important to your partner, then I would do it.

But I'd also tell him that he's in charge of organising the whole thing.

I'd tell all your friends and family as well.

Then take a big step back. If it's naff, it's naff. But at least everyone will know who's responsible.

I imagine your life partner would just like to be afforded the same status as your previous partner.