To cancel my wedding

Stop worrying about how it looks.
No one will care if he has attendants and you dont have bridesmaids

OP, why are you doing so many things that you don't want to do? This is 2025, not 1825.
Just cancel the wedding. Completely. You don't want to get married, so you mustn't.
The sooner you cancel it, the better (and cheaper) it will be.
Just grow a backbone!

You are making excuses and things more complicated because you don't want to get married, OP.

For context I recently got engaged- second marriage for me, first for my DP- I could do without the faff as I've done it before but he wants it so I'm happy to compromise. He is having best men, I am not having bridesmaids. He wants to cut a cake, I could do without it, but I'm doing that for him because that feels like an easy concede to make.

I certainly wouldn't be going along with big things that I didn't need to do (ie bridesmaids with matching dresses etc) if I didn't want to. I'd pick my battles.

But ultimately, you don't want to get married, and that therein lies the problem.

You dont need reasons or excuse to cancel the wedding. The bottom line is you dont want to get married. So dont.

Stop people pleasing. You're putting everyone else before yourself. Your partner, your mother, the guests...

And, yes, your partner might be disappointed and hurt but your gut is screaming at you not to do this for a reason. Listen to it.

Why tf are you going along with stuff you don't want? Where is your backbone to say no? I really don't get it.

Is it the case you want to be married but don't want a wedding?

I wish, wish, wish I’d cancelled mine like I wanted to. Told everyone I wanted to cancel - but was too scared to. Felt awful through every moment of it. We lasted two years.
please cancel if you want to.

I thought her father was abusive so why would he look after her? I'm confused. A registry office takes a few minutes.

It sounds to all of us that you don't wish to get married at all. If that's the case then you need to tell him.

... but the feeling of love and security are all a sham if he's with someone who can list all his positives like a checklist, but doesn't actually love him enough to be able to be honest with him about something as fundamental as wanting to be his wife. You sound like a nice person that's trying to do the right thing but I really don't think you should marry this man, however kind he is.

You don't have to have a big expensive wedding. You can choose to have a low key wedding. I didn't want to get married for years and my partner wasn't fussed either way. Eventually I came round to the idea but over my dead body would I have a big traditional wedding as I just didn't want to spend loads of money or have any stress or drama on the day.

We eloped to Crear in Scotland during covid so it was only the two of us. We had a package which included accommodation, photography, the services of a piper and flowers. Our witnesses were one of the photographers and the piper. We also paid extra to have it filmed and this was made into a lovely film which we shared with family and friends. All in all we had a wonderful completely stress free time and our families were both understanding that it was what we wanted to do.

I think if you don't want to have this big wedding then you shouldn't have it as it's obviously not the right thing for you. I would cancel the whole thing and then only you can decide if you want to not get married at all or just have a low key wedding instead.

I agree. A marriage is not something you do to please someone else. It has huge legal consequences that could compromise the life on not only OP, but also her child.

You can have a lovely small easy to arrange wedding. Registry office and then a meal at a local hotel.
If you can’t have proper discussions with your DP, you shouldn’t be getting married at all.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I personally think it's ok to be selfish on this occasion and do what's best for you. I would not want to be pressured into doing anything. Your partner would hopefully understand that you wish to postpone until you're ready, even if that does mean a long delay. I know people who have been engaged for many years before marriage, I don't think marriage is the be all and end all.

It sounds like you really don’t want a wedding. Could you not compromise on a small registry office wedding with just witnesses and a big party after? A party would be easier to organise.

According to OP she simply doesn't want the marriage.

"He would be very sad if he knew how strongly I don't want to be married."

I get the impression that you're rather overwhelmed by everything that's going on just now. Is it possible to postpone the wedding until such time as you're in the right headspace to deal with it? And possibly arrange it in a way so that there's less pressure on you so you can both actually enjoy it 😍

You are not in a healthy relationship if you feel forced to marry someone when you categorically do not want to get married. Your attention are on much more important things (your DDs mental health and job security) and that is healthy. It sounds like he's trying to railroad you into marrying him and you are going along with it because he's not as abusive as your ex but your gut is screaming at you that this is not what you want right now. You don't owe this man anything. He should want to be with you regardless of if you want to marry him, live with him or just date him.

Does it perhaps make more financial sense for him to marry you than it would for you to marry him?

My favourite weddings are the ones where people adapt traditions to suit their personalities. Like my Indian friend who wore a beautiful white sari to married an English man who was wearing a tux and the wedding favours at the end had an Indian touch.

at my wedding my husband had 3 best men and ushers etc - more than I had. You don’t have to follow such formal traditions or be match matchy

Do you - not want to get married - or - not want a wedding?

If you don't want a wedding, go to a register office anytime with witnesses and get that part done. Tell everyone about the change of plan and throw a garden party sometime to celebrate wedding, birthday, exam success etc.

If you don't want to get married that's a different matter and you need to have that conversation with your partner quickly before wedding plans progress.

If he wants the wedding then go ahead, but tell him he has to do the organising.

@DappledThings is absolutely correct here.
You're unable to be honest with him and seem to be making this far more complex than it needs to be, almost purposely

Fiance