To cancel my wedding

I take it you want to stay with your partner but you don't like the fuss of the day, centre of attention, etc.? If that's the case, just sneak off and do it very low key with two witnesses. I had six people at mine and have always felt it was too many and shudder to remember it. Very happily married though, 15 years still going strong. Tell people early. Many will understand perfectly. Easter is still a long way off. Those who don't understand should appreciate the wedding's for you, not them.

I have to agree; what if you desperately wanted to get married and he didn’t, who’d win out then? 🤔

(answer: the one with the penis, I would expect… 😩)

This sounds tough. It seems like you’re pulled between people pleasing (not a criticism, I get you don’t want to hurt your partner or let people down) and perfectionism (having a wedding day you’re not “embarrassed” by). Is hurting your partner by cancelling marginally easier than letting go of the need to perfectionist-ly control the day? In practice it sounds like it would be worse, with bigger consequences, and I wonder if there’s a way you can let go of the perfectionism

Or don’t get married. It does sound like you’re railroading yourself. But if you truly do want to do it for your partner, and you don’t have the time and headspace to do it the way you would ideally like, the only thing left to do is explore what is it about going with the flow that feels so painful and undoable to you

Of course you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. But if it’s important to your partner you need to face that this might be an end of relationship deal breaker.

I absolutely love attending knees up in a pub type weddings. Following a simple service that I haven’t necessarily attended. A good party is brilliant!
Without all the stress / cost / nonsense.

Kindly, you've gone down some hole where you're making things 100x harder on yourself and it's all or nothing.

It's 2025, no one cares about bridesmaids dresses and shoes. Your DP wants a fun day to marry you and celebrate it with your friends and family.

You seem to think that means some Instagram level event with matching shoes and perfect photos. You don't even want that, you don't have time for it.

Yes. It seems it’s not being married to her partner that bothers her, but the hassle involved in something that has had negative associations in the past.

Doing things for people we live is perfectly normal.

Women all too often didn't. The options were usually marriage to whoever was available if they asked or stay at home with parents and be a sad spinster by the age of 27. Or you could become a governess and die in poverty when the work ran out. Have you never read Jane Austen or any late 18th/ early 19th century literature?

I don’t think that logic is necessarily true. I adore my partner, and know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t want to get married. I mean I would, if it meant so much to him, but as it turns out he isn’t interested in marriage either so we are happy growing old together unmarried.

Not wanting to be married doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your partner long term.

You'd "go along" with getting married because your partner is lonely and has never had a wedding day?!?!

If he is that desperate to marry you, surely he'll compromise?

If you've been married twice already surely he can understand that you don't want a big fuss?

That's unfortunate for him if he does but at the end of the day, big/small/fuss overload, the result is the same-you are married.

Would he rather marry on your terms or not marry?

Would you be happy to marry on your terms or still rather not at all?

Sorry, just read some of the updates! If you really don't want to get married, then it's worth a conversation with your partner.

Could you go away just the two of you and get married? We did it this way, our hotel even arranged our witnesses for us. Then at least you get married, but it gets rid of all the admin and headache of a big full-on wedding.

As he’s lonely and has never had a wedding day, I’d go along with it, but make it clear that he’s in charge. You don’t have the head space for it.

You can definitely cancel or postpone indefinitely. Next Easter is ages away, so I wouldn’t worry about having told people. They have heaps of time to rearrange their plans. Getting married is a big thing and people cancel at the last minute, they are not obligated to go ahead with a huge life decision just because someone has to change their appointments diary! Really, of all the things you have to deal with, let that aspect go.

If you really don’t want to be married, but your partner is right for you, then it ought to possible to explain to him why that is in a way that he will understand. If it’s more about having the event of the wedding, then I really would tell him that if he wants to marry next year he has to meet you halfway and do a small event. You shouldn’t have to make all the compromises.

I understand what you are saying about your partner’s feelings but yours are very valid too.

Clearly you don’t want to be with your partner otherwise you would be excited at the prospect of getting married!

You do not want to get married. Don't do it! If you go ahead with all these reasons why it should not happen, you may as well start planning the divorce now, too. If your relationship is such that you can't be honest enough with your partner to have a heart to heart tell them how you are feeling, it is not a good sign.

Is this the ex who strangled your daughter repeatedly....?

When is your next opportunity to take this exam? I do perhaps understand what a major exam this would be for you, I am a doctor and our professional exams are huge deals with high failure rates, very costly and require you to basically devote yourself heart and soul to studying any moment you are awake when you’re not working for months on end in order to have a chance at passing. But they are game-changers if/when you do pass. I can totally understand how it would feel impossible to do an exam like this and plan a wedding at the same time, especially if you also have a fiancé and a child to think about, especially one who needs a lot of support.

I agree you sound rather unenthusiastic about the whole thing. However taking what you’ve said at face value which is more that marriage and in particular a big wedding aren’t super important to you and you can’t be bothered with the fuss, but that you see this person as your life partner and understand it’s important to him where you have no strong feelings either way, then I think you should go ahead with it.

Unless this is just an excuse to delay/cancel the wedding. Which I genuinely think is how I would see it if I were your fiancé. As others have said, if that’s the case and you just don’t want to get married then obviously don’t get married!

But if you do, then unless your next opportunity to take this exam is like many years down the line or something then if I were you, from what you’ve said here I would go ahead with the wedding and prioritise wedding planning for now so that it’s a nice event you will both enjoy. If you’re going to get married you may as well enjoy the wedding planning and preparation and make sure things are the way you want them on the day. And consider roping in your mother if she’s enthusiastic about the whole thing if you feel she has better tastes than your fiancé. Bridesmaids too - delegate what you can to whoever you can! Then sit the exam at the next reasonable opportunity after you are married.

I would say: Let your partner organise everything. As long as you have an outfit and you know when and where to turn up, then you shouldn’t have to worry about anything else.

But you also say you don’t want to get married without explaining why…

You're full of reasons/excuses about the wedding because you don't want to get married.

You havent said why you don't want to get married. Sharing assets? Not the one? Gut feeling?

People also had a choice in 1800 🙄