FGS wrong wine wrong pizza

It’s either weaponised incompetence in which case you have a problem or he is genuinely incapable of performing such a simple task correctly in which case you have a problem.

The crux is whatever OP says it’s always her with an “ishoo” in her “D”H’s eyes.

He insisted on doing the job and fucked it up.

He got wrong pizza- 2 of the same kind so there’s no variation. He didn’t get wine so he went back to the shop and got a wrong one.

In his opinion he delivered- who cares that it’s wrong item- that will be OP’s fault for nitpicking and not being happy. He went to the shop twice right?

So it’s either mr. Angry (wtf you’re complaining about as I got you stuff) or mr. Victim (I can’t get anything right but I tried). Both reactions put onus on OP who’s got shit food,shit drink and got pissed off by her H with his pathetic weaponised incompetence instead of nice evening with food and drink of her choice.

I’m with @FlowerUser . I hate savignon blanc, love chardonnay and most of Italian whites.

I wouldn’t be happy if instead of lovely light pizza I got greasy shite with some vinegary piss poor wine to go with it.

OP 💐💐💐

I’m single btw and happy that after years of carrying mental and physical load I’m free of another person to consider (and who didn’t give 2 shits about me)

She can’t eat the pizza. At least read the OP fgs.

Raise your bar.

Ask yourself this OP. Is he only a good dad at the fun parts of parenting or is he actually a fully involved hands on parent. There’s a massive difference.

Im not sure he is a good man. It sounds like he did this deliberately. Who gets both orders incorrect? Who gets 2 pizzas the same? And who falls into a self pity depts of despair when they get something wrong instead of taking notes to do better, apologising and trying to fix it.

I agree you have a lot to think about. Start by really assessing if he is a good man and a good parent.

It's worse than that because she didn't ask for his help.

Any possibility it is deliberate incompetence to get attention?
He knows his behaviour will get you to mollycoddle him.

I would write him a list in block capitals, being very specific about brand and type. OH forgets things and gets stressed in shops. I'd end up with Merlot when I want Malbec. But he absolutely knows I need a vegetable pizza and definitely not a pepperoni.

Im being pathetic as I’ve not even said anything You’re not being pathetic at all. You know that there will be consequences that you’ll have to deal with if you do say something, and you haven’t got the energy to deal with it today. That’s not you being pathetic.

I can’t cope with his inevitable ‘I’m so rubbish at everything’ downward spiral where I then have to pick him up. Sick of carrying the mental load for everything So you know he’s going to do the spiral thing again if it’s a habit. What would happen if you didn’t pick him up? What would happen if, the next time he’s complaining that he can’t get anything right, you say ‘You’re right. You’re not doing enough. I’m about an inch away from divorcing you, so you either buck your ideas up and start acting like a competent adult or you do what you usually do, curl up into a ball and weep until I lose the very last bit of love and respect I have left for you. Your choice, because I’m not pandering to you or pretending it doesn’t matter anymore’. Then walk out of the room and leave him to it.

He is a good man and a good dad, it’s just not enough Is he? A good man who can’t remember anything about what his partner likes eating? Or what wine she likes? How much attention is he paying to you? Someone who uses emotional blackmail at the slightest hint of criticism until you’re squashing down your frustration, comforting him and telling him that it’s ok he’s useless, because you’ll carry on doing everything? He sounds quite manipulative to me. And I’m not saying it’s intentional. I think it’s probably so ingrained that he truly believes he’s the victim in all of this and you’re the domineering woman who bullies him. Does he pull this crap at work? Would he tell his boss that he knew he was useless? Would he expect his boss to pander to him? Of course not. He’d be out on his ear. Does he do this with his friends? Or his family? No, I thought not. This is targeted at you.

I’m sure he’s perfectly pleasant and doesn’t beat you or scream at the DC. But that’s what a friend does. Or a casual boyfriend. Someone you wouldn’t expect to know the one type of pizza you don’t like to eat. Or what you like to drink. A husband and father needs to be doing more. He needs to be pulling his weight in every aspect of family and married life.

If he was doing everything else and you were swanning about having the life of Riley, maybe swishing a duster round once a week, then maybe you would be being a bit demanding. Is he doing everything else? I strongly suspect not.

When he goes into an 'I'm shit' downward spiral, have you ever just agreed with him?

Yep DH. Crap job. Are you this inattentive at work?

What would happen?

The sad thing is you can’t raise it with him as he’ll fall on the whole ‘woe is me’ shebang. Leave him. It’s exhausting

Yes, it's "only" pizza and wine today but presumably he's her next of kin, so one day he might have to actually know what the fuck he's doing!

My DH came back with the wrong wine for a night in I was having while he took his DD out. I didn't realise till he'd left.

Right brand, wrong grape - he bought sauvignon blanc and I hate it. I wanted a chardonnay.

He was mortified! He couldn't have been sorrier, promised to make it up to me, wrote CHARDONNAY in big letters on the whiteboard, and when he next went out for wine he made a point of saying look, I got chardonnay, I did it right!

As it was I drank the damn sav plonk because we drink red together and I wanted white wine.

But this is how someone who cares about you reacts when they've fucked up.

I have ADHD and I’m not sure it does. I might forget something but I’m also capable of making a note on my phone to help me remember or texting DH to ask if he usually gets Chardonnay or Chenin Blanc etc. And if I do make a mistake or forget something then I offer to make it right (go back out, look after the kids whilst he goes, pay for the delivery etc). I don’t just sulk because the other person pointed out I’d got it wrong.

It sounds like he just doesn’t care enough about OP’s preferences to think or ask. It’s not an ADHD thing, it’s a not trying hard enough thing.

LTB

I don't see any indication of strategic/weaponised incompetence- the op wanted to take care of this herself and he insisted on doing it (so I can't see how he was 'trying to get out of doing something by deliberately doing a crap job').

To me it suggests he is either actually actively being mean being op - and going the extra mile with going back for the wine! (although apologies if I've misread that). That would be extreme though, it seems most likely to me that you and your needs barely even enter his mind op (I imagine that is apparent in other behaviors of his), and that must feel pretty awful xx

I'd have said something then depending on outcome either ordered a replacement or gone out to a pizza place.

I can’t cope with his inevitable ‘I’m so rubbish at everything’ downward spiral where I then have to pick him up. This should not be inevitable; he very likely can listen and take notes so he gets the items requested. If he can't, he should let you order delivery as you'd originally planned.

This, this, thisity this!!!

Ask him what he would have done if his boss had asked him? He must be a reasonably competent employee, so if he can do what's asked at work, then why not at home? Also I doubt he would enter the inevitable ‘I’m so rubbish at everything’ downward spiral at work because there is no one there to pick him up.

If he's self-employed then he wouldn't behave that way either.

Nip it in the bud.

Not knowing what pizza your partner eats is not ADHD.

My best friend's husband is like this. He does nowt around the house, and when he is shamed into doing something (and inevitably gets it wrong) he puts on a pathetic voice and tells her that she's always "chipping away at him"

This and my own experiences are largely why I was done with men 5 years ago. I might have to do everything myself, but at least I get it right.

The issue isn’t the dinner, it’s the fact the Op can’t say a word of criticism without sending her partner into a self pitying spiral, and she’s had enough of it.

You cannot be managing another adult’s emotions OP. He needs to sort himself out, or else.

Is your DH a martyr? I see so many friends with husbands like this. Insist on taking the hard route (shop instead of delivery), fuck it up then blame their partner. I couldn’t live with someone like that. It’s exhausting. Hope you find your way out op

Ask him to write it in his phone or something. He sounds like a manchild.

When he came back without the wine, I just would have done the delivery order.

I'd be annoyed too. My DH manages to get me the right pizza and wine because he knows me.
I also know what he likes. It does smack if strategic incompetence a bit. Surely he can call or msg if he's had some kind of wife amnesia and had totally forgotten what you would like.