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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

317 replies

CookyPsych · 16/07/2025 17:43

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

OP posts:
OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 16/07/2025 20:06

You can't charge her but never rely on her again. Once the holidays are done, never ask for childcare again. And don't do her any favours.

hellhavenofury35 · 16/07/2025 20:06

Your child your responsibility. If you want to work full time sort your own child out.

BusyExpert · 16/07/2025 20:05

child care can be exhausting and I can completely understand why she does not want to do 3 days a week. however if I was in her shoes I would have done it for the summer as promised and then told you not to rely on it in future.

No you cannot ask her to chip in with the cost.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 16/07/2025 20:03

Wow! I somehow think the OP won't be returning to this one.

What a wicked MIL making you take responsibility for your own child.

EllieRosie · 16/07/2025 20:03

This has to be a joke post. Wind them up and let them go…

Epidote · 16/07/2025 20:00

Gffbjjgfddbjkkm · 16/07/2025 17:46

Your child and your bill.

Your mil is doing you a favour.

Shamefully ungrateful, entitled behaviour, OP.

This

Cabinqueen · 16/07/2025 20:00

Laiste · 16/07/2025 18:37

''All smiles and 'Of course i'll help' '' sound like you asked and she said yes. And meant it i expect.

She gave it a go but on monday she had to admit and tell you 'without discussion' (?) that she was finding it too much.

Just out of interest would the discussion have been?
MIL - Sorry DIL i'm too knackered to do the three days. I'm telling you asap so you can get organised ...

OP - well sorry that's unacceptable and you have to!

?

It's frustrating but family help doesn't come with a contract. That benefits both sides really. She works for no pay and saves you money - but might pull out if necessary. That's just how it works. She's told you straight away at least not dropped days here and there and been cagey.

This....

Poodlelove · 16/07/2025 20:00

Tiring and also very expensive to entertain children 3 days a week.
If she was unwell one day would you expect her to pay for childcare?
Not anyone's responsibility but the parents ,what was your original plan when you decided to work full time ?

iseethembloom · 16/07/2025 19:59

Did you contribute to her childcare costs when her youngsters were small? No? Then there’s no equivalence. Why should she have to pay for your childcare?

You’re getting a whole day for free - be grateful for that.

cheesycheesy · 16/07/2025 19:59

Katherine9 · 16/07/2025 19:52

250 replies and nothing from the OP...

Because she’s had her arse handed to her

PorridgeEater · 16/07/2025 19:59

You asked for honest opinions and now you've had them - of course your MiL can't be obliged to contribute to your costs. She is already saving you money by being prepared to do one day a week. And she is the best judge of what she can manage.
Maybe you need to replan / ask your employer if you can work part-time - the financial burden should fall on you, not her. And do be appreciative of what she can offer.

CandidRaven · 16/07/2025 19:57

Absolutely not yabu if you think it's her responsibility to pay she is entitled to change her mind about providing you with FREE childcare!

Menopausalmum43 · 16/07/2025 19:56

Maybe she can smell your entitlement a mile off and thought she'd bring you down a peg or two.

Shnuzzbucket · 16/07/2025 19:55

bluecurtains14 · 16/07/2025 17:45

Why isn't DH doing the scrabbling round, it's his mum who has dropped you in it.

Totally agree

Hodgemollar · 16/07/2025 19:54

If she hadn’t agreed then you would still have the cost regardless so no you can’t ask your MIL to pay for childcare because she isn’t up to doing it for free.

BathOliversister2244 · 16/07/2025 19:54

chattyness · 16/07/2025 19:45

I can't believe you have even thought about charging her. If she hadn't offered you'd have had to pay it yourself anyway. She's left you in the lurch but she tried to help and is still willing to do one day a week be thankful for that at least. Why do you think she should pay for YOUR childcare?

I totally agree with this^^

Yes it would have been better if she had let you know earlier, but you would have still had to pay if she hadn’t looked after your dc for two weeks! She’s actually saved you some money.

Also, she may be ill! Or have something else going on in her life that you don’t know about.

Katherine9 · 16/07/2025 19:52

250 replies and nothing from the OP...

lifeonthelane · 16/07/2025 19:50

It's awful she's unreliable but no, you can't ask her for money. Take it as a lesson learnt, you don't rely on her in future. I've been in this situation and it's rubbish, now we pay for reliable childcare and it's much less stressful.

Thefaceofboe · 16/07/2025 19:50

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/07/2025 17:46

If she hadn't offered to do it, you still would have had to pay for childcare though.

It's annoying that she has changed her mind without notice, but it hasn't actually cost you anything except the stress of trying to find another solution at the last minute.

Similar actually happened to us which meant we’d missed the cut off to apply for the funded hours… maybe a similar situation

Mumptynumpty · 16/07/2025 19:50

If it's costing you more than you earn then take some unpaid leave. Share it between you at your DH.

I think that your MIL had good intentions but the work took her by surprise and she had to prioritize her own health. None of us can do what we were doing at 25 anymore.

Does your side of the family help?

Practice some kindness and a little thankfulness that she is able to do a day a week.

MaidOfSteel · 16/07/2025 19:49

When you get into your 60s, even if you’re still in reasonable health, and you try to look after your young grandkids, you’ll realise it’s altogether more difficult, tiring & stressful than you’d imagine!

You would be incredibly rude to ask your mother in law for money. Don’t risk damaging you & your husband’s relationship with her. And stop being so downright entitled.

Bestfootforward11 · 16/07/2025 19:48

I completely understand why you are frustrated, but the thing with family is that they are effectively helping out rather than it being a contractual agreement. Whilst I know it makes things hard for you at the moment, it’s completely fair enough for your MIL to say actually 3 days is too much for me. You absolutely cannot charge her. It sounds to me like it’s more your DH who has left you in the lurch as it’s not just for you to sort.

Ilikemymenlikeilikemycoffee · 16/07/2025 19:48

Jesus you are lucky she’s offered at all. Both sets of parents live near and don’t work and help fuck all with my 6year old. Think yourself lucky!!

WeCouldDoBetter · 16/07/2025 19:47

She really should have either stuck with the plan for this year (its only 6 weeks) or given you much more notice to arrange something else....Are you sure everything is ok with her? Could she actually be unwell and not wanting to upset everyone.

PluckyBamboo · 16/07/2025 19:46

Suck it up but don't rely on her for essential childminding again, she must be struggling which can't be helped.