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Original poster

To think people pleasing can be very dangerous and can’t be underestimated?

183 replies

ThoseCar · 16/07/2025 16:19

I’ve been having a huge period of reflection on my life in the past few weeks and one of the things I’ve discovered is that people pleasing, which is the subject of so many threads on MN even if not in a ‘blatant’ way, is potentially very dangerous- it can lead to people being extremely humiliated/bullied to their lives being screwed up to what may seem like beyond repair.

it’s always early socialisation - parent figures who are the cause of this - in particular my own mum saying to me as a teen angrily:

”your father and I WANT you to make friends” - rather than letting me explore my natural tendency to be a bit of a loner - has screwed up a lot of my life - it’s led to me being taken advantage of horrifically

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 16/07/2025 20:28

… still working on it in my early 50s. Despite the fact I am outwardly quite together I think this sort of programming renders you slightly teenage for life - I sometimes think I have spent 5 decades worrying about keeping everyone happy, I have no idea what I want, or really who I am.

Laughlikeadrain · 16/07/2025 20:26

The more I reflect on the stuff I took in as a young kid, the more damaging I see the impact of politeness has been.

i spend so much time unconsciously centreing men. It’s only now im older i see how we’ve been conditioned to do it. The amount of time men think they can start conversations with us, interrupt us to tell us what we think or expect to stop what we’re doing to help them is unbelievable.

I’m much less patient now I’m older but I’m still fighting against the urge to smile and be nice to men who are creeps pretending to just be friendly

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 16/07/2025 20:26

A friend who was brought up a full on Christian was told Jesus first, Other people second, Yourself last spells JOY. How fucking fucked up is that?!

I only got the basic middle class be a Nice girl you must be Liked or Bad Things will happen programming, and that’s quite bad enough.

I quite agree

Noshowlomo · 16/07/2025 20:25

Completely agree. Only now at the age of 44 I’ve stopped being a people pleaser and worked on myself a lot. It goes back to my childhood.

I could kick myself at the years wasted being a yes woman, but having no respect from my bosses mainly (since changed jobs, and really love my new job), but I cringe and I’m quite angry about what I could have done, if I had been myself and not what I thought others wanted me to be.

Ribenafan98 · 16/07/2025 20:23

Yes absolutely agree. I learnt from an early age to hide my own emotions because they didn't matter as much and to accommodate other people ALL the time.

Original poster
ThoseCar · 16/07/2025 20:22

Orangesandlemons77 · 16/07/2025 20:21

Or "Think of others before yourself"

what about thinking of others and yourself as well?

Edited

Yes quite!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseCar · 16/07/2025 20:22

Orangesandlemons77 · 16/07/2025 20:21

Or "Think of others before yourself"

what about thinking of others and yourself as well?

Edited

Yes completely agree !

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 16/07/2025 20:21

Or "Think of others before yourself"

what about thinking of others and yourself as well?