To think people pleasing can be very dangerous and can’t be underestimated?

Easier said than done, because societal influence and expectations still inform our behaviour. For example, if I fancy going out clubbing at my age and doing vodka shots through my eyeballs, I am aware it's not considered healthy, I'd be laughed at and judged for being sad and desperate, and people would be very concerned about me.

Alot of people pleasing comes from the fear of what will happen if we don't, whether it's rejection or being held responsible for what the person you've tried to resist might do if you're not compliant. As others have said, people pleasers can become the prey of manipulative types, and feel responsible for the negative consequences of saying no if the denied does something harmful to prove a point.

Unpicking it all is complex and sucks the joy out of life.

I find people pleasers are often annoying and I often find that I question their true motivation for trying to please everyone else. Sometimes it seems more about them wanting approval and to be seen as nice than what anyone actually wants. You often have to second guess what ‘people pleasers’ actually want and it just makes things complicated. The very worst kind of ‘people pleasers’ are those that say yes to things then bitch about it afterwards. These are zillions of threads started by posters who fall in this category.

Ive a friend who looks after a neighbours two dogs when they go on holiday and she hates doing it and thinks they are cheeky to ask. However she always says yes whenever they ask. It’s ridiculous. I actually think she is being unfair on them. I’d hate to ask a favour of someone and for them to secretly resent me when they agree to do it.

I get asked to do favours for friends and relatives but I find it easy to decline if it doesn’t suit me. I think it means people are actually happier to ask because they know if I do offer to help it’s genuine.

I also think people use the phrase ‘people pleaser’ as a cop out for their own mistakes. If you know you’ve made bad decisions (as we all can do from time to time) I think some people try and make it more palatable by calling themselves a people pleaser. It’s as though they are absolving themselves of any bad decisions because they are such a ‘good’ person.

I see a difference between people who think themselves people pleasers and people who really lack confidence.

I find people pleasers are often annoying and I often find that I question their true motivation for trying to please everyone else. Sometimes it seems more about them wanting approval and to be seen as nice than what anyone actually wants. You often have to second guess what ‘people pleasers’ actually want and it just makes things complicated. The very worst kind of ‘people pleasers’ are those that say yes to things then bitch about it afterwards. These are zillions of threads started by posters who fall in this category.

Ive a friend who looks after a neighbours two dogs when they go on holiday and she hates doing it and thinks they are cheeky to ask. However she always says yes whenever they ask. It’s ridiculous. I actually think she is being unfair on them. I’d hate to ask a favour of someone and for them to secretly resent me when they agree to do it.

I get asked to do favours for friends and relatives but I find it easy to decline if it doesn’t suit me. I think it means people are actually happier to ask because they know if I do offer to help it’s genuine.

I also think people use the phrase ‘people pleaser’ as a cop out for their own mistakes. If you know you’ve made bad decisions (as we all can do from time to time) I think some people try and make it more palatable by calling themselves a people pleaser. It’s as though they are absolving themselves of any bad decisions because they are such a ‘good’ person.

I see a difference between people who think themselves people pleasers and people who really lack confidence.

I find people pleasers are often annoying and I often find that I question their true motivation for trying to please everyone else. Sometimes it seems more about them wanting approval and to be seen as nice than what anyone actually wants. You often have to second guess what ‘people pleasers’ actually want and it just makes things complicated. The very worst kind of ‘people pleasers’ are those that say yes to things then bitch about it afterwards. These are zillions of threads started by posters who fall in this category.

Ive a friend who looks after a neighbours two dogs when they go on holiday and she hates doing it and thinks they are cheeky to ask. However she always says yes whenever they ask. It’s ridiculous. I actually think she is being unfair on them. I’d hate to ask a favour of someone and for them to secretly resent me when they agree to do it.

I get asked to do favours for friends and relatives but I find it easy to decline if it doesn’t suit me. I think it means people are actually happier to ask because they know if I do offer to help it’s genuine.

I also think people use the phrase ‘people pleaser’ as a cop out for their own mistakes. If you know you’ve made bad decisions (as we all can do from time to time) I think some people try and make it more palatable by calling themselves a people pleaser. It’s as though they are absolving themselves of any bad decisions because they are such a ‘good’ person.

I see a difference between people who think themselves people pleasers and people who really lack confidence.

I find people pleasers are often annoying and I often find that I question their true motivation for trying to please everyone else. Sometimes it seems more about them wanting approval and to be seen as nice than what anyone actually wants. You often have to second guess what ‘people pleasers’ actually want and it just makes things complicated. The very worst kind of ‘people pleasers’ are those that say yes to things then bitch about it afterwards. These are zillions of threads started by posters who fall in this category.

Ive a friend who looks after a neighbours two dogs when they go on holiday and she hates doing it and thinks they are cheeky to ask. However she always says yes whenever they ask. It’s ridiculous. I actually think she is being unfair on them. I’d hate to ask a favour of someone and for them to secretly resent me when they agree to do it.

I get asked to do favours for friends and relatives but I find it easy to decline if it doesn’t suit me. I think it means people are actually happier to ask because they know if I do offer to help it’s genuine.

I also think people use the phrase ‘people pleaser’ as a cop out for their own mistakes. If you know you’ve made bad decisions (as we all can do from time to time) I think some people try and make it more palatable by calling themselves a people pleaser. It’s as though they are absolving themselves of any bad decisions because they are such a ‘good’ person.

I see a difference between people who think themselves people pleasers and people who really lack confidence.

My mum (lovely as she is) has very little self-worth and will kill herself for others so my siblings and I have learnt to always be good and keep quiet and take shit. When I married DH, I didn’t realise how vulnerable I was to manipulation from in-laws and have spent 20 plus years appeasing my emotionally abusive mother in law and her family as a result. My DH has grown up with her and thought her manipulation was normal, I could see through her but just put up with it and I hate it. I was also an extreme people pleaser at work and let people walk all over me. Not anymore.

My wake up call was a bout of bad health. I realised I will never get that time back and only have this one life to live as I please.
Now I am 44 I could kick myself at the years that I have wasted doing this and if I feel a CF coming on, I have an almost extreme reaction to them. I have learnt to say no and stand my ground and I am not afraid of losing relationships anymore and that has been most freeing. I have to say that the teens of today, might come across as selfish and entitled but mine have taught me the importance of self worth.

i agree that Cf can sense niceness and need to be shut down straight away. Just a firm no with no explanation. It is jarring and awkward at first but the sense of pride in standing your ground is absolutely worth it.

God, this!! Thank you @PinkBobby for writing this so eloquently. This is exactly how I feel. Thank you 😪

This is a really interesting thread. I’m a people pleaser too. Got tangled up with a narc for 24 years but prior to that, was bullied (aged 13-18) badly at school.

Despite counselling and a deep dive into my childhood and upbringing, I still remain convinced that it was the bullying that turned me into a people pleaser too… and not my fairly happy and normal upbringing.

I remember putting up my first proper boundary a few years ago and saying ‘no’… and being gobsmacked that the world didn’t stop turning!

As others have said, it takes huge energy to change your old behaviour.

They are, but, bluntly, once you’re an adult, unpicking those early scripts is up to you.

Yes. And mine, because she thinks saying what she wants is ‘rude’, will assume that everyone else feels similarly, and is ‘only saying things to be polite’, so she will do the exact opposite of what they specified and then be furious because they’re not ‘grateful’.

She once threw a surprise party for a family member who had specifically told her she didn’t want any kind of a party (recent)y widowed) and was furious the woman only stayed a short while and didn’t plaster on a smile.

Another time, relatives visiting from the US said they would call in to say a quick goodbye on their way from a restaurant with another part of the family to the airport but could only stay for five minutes — my mother thought they were ‘just being polite’ and had prepared a huge meal that of course they didn’t have time or appetite to eat.

society needs nice people who want to keep others happy! I think I'll always be like this and in one sense it's something I really like about myself. I agree with OP on negative people pleasing being the issue. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish. I think for me I know by my own reaction, the problem I had for years was I would recognise it but not know how to assert myself and that led to resentment

Yes. I would say that most of us (unless you are a literal psychopath) want others to be happy. Who on earth goes around hoping that others are miserable/sad? I would love everyone I know to be happy.

The distinction comes in when their happiness comes at your own expense which then causes you to feel exhausted, taken advantage of, used, mentally and physically drained and the constant repression of your own feelings can even cause you ill health over time.

I see it kinda like a seesaw - in most relationships sometimes you'll be high and the other person goes low and sometimes the other person will be higher but generally speaking it's equally balanced. If you find that you are always having to drop down in order to raise up the other person then there is something wrong there.

@ThoseCar your mum sounds like mine! She'd trample over a WC person to talk to the doctors wife! All about what a small section of society would think of us. Dressing us expensively and laughing at how everyone would be jealous. (They really weren't, they just took the piss). She died quite young and I still struggle to reconcile this with the loving gentle mother she was to me.

People are not just making their own decisions in a vacuum though. They are doing so through the lens of all our early socialisation.

No worries at all and emotional abuse is important to highlight as it is often overlooked.

There is a recent poster who recognises her 10yo DD has people pleasing tendencies, similar to herself- I suspect (obviously I don’t know) that this is not due to emotional abuse but due to multiple factors including role modelling, social conditioning, perhaps how girls are treated differently from boys at school etc.

@FindingMeno I agree, society needs nice people who want to keep others happy! I think I'll always be like this and in one sense it's something I really like about myself. I agree with OP on negative people pleasing being the issue. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish. I think for me I know by my own reaction, the problem I had for years was I would recognise it but not know how to assert myself and that led to resentment
I'm improving all the time and have found generally people have been quite respectful when I speak my mind. Thankfully I've no one in my family that's particularly problematic.

Oh god tell me about it. My mum is always trying to "please" me by trying to guess what I want to eat, do, etc and pretending she also wants that, rather than just telling me what she actually wants. But she often guesses wrong and we end up doing something neither of us want. It's infuriating

Yes agree. It’s not good or righteous to let other people get away with bad behaviour, all in the name of pleasing them.

I saw my Mum put herself last everytime, she sacrificed her happiness, friends, money to care for her family (us when we were little, my grandparents through years of elder care)

Same with my mum. She basically taught me that everyone else's feelings matter more than your own do. I was a chronically shy child and if we met someone in the street she knew she would become super angry if I didnt immediately say hello to them or start up a conversation and all I'd hear for the rest of the day was "what must they think of us now?" - as if what other people think of you is far more important than what you think about yourself.

It was so unhealthy and I am utterly convinced it caused her ill health and eventual early death.

Sorry, I was too quick to assume you were missing out emotional abuse.

I think women and social conditioning is certainly a big issue. I think the expectations and personality ones are interesting as to me they would point to childhood emotional abuse again.

Yes, you are deluded.

There are no positives to people-pleasing. P-p has nothing to do with altruism or community-mindedness or generosity. It involves trying to avoid the discomfort of saying ‘no’ to other people, and trading services for being liked, because your self-esteem is so poor you don’t think people are will your friend just because they enjoy your company. It’s manipulative, insincere and doesn’t work, anyway — you just render yourself an invisible service-provider.

This sounds so interesting @TwoBigNoisyBoys . Have you found much research on the topic or do you also include anecdotal stuff too? (I've never done a degree/dissertation so have no idea!)

This! I was always taught to 'put other people first' and 'think how they might feel about XYZ.'

Which is exhausting before doing/saying anything.l! Not that people should go about life without any consideration for others, but the people I respect most are those that take others into account but fundamentally make sure they're happy. Anything else just leads to resentment/frustration.

I've realised I'm often afraid of other people's reactions to me saying 'No', but it's something I'm working on.