Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

@kindamean if your oldest daughter and friend play with DD2 do they always have to choose a game that DD2 wants to play, can they choose a game each? What happens if they choose a game DD2 doesn't want to play, does she shout, kick, bite then?

OP, rather than giving your bedroom to one of your daughter's would it be possible to split the bedroom & make a smaller room for each of them & you & your partner have their room. Or have you any space in your garden to build a cabin type structure to use as a playroom, I know that may create more problems but there would be choice of 2 separate places to play. Having worked with children with ODD I know how hard & exhausting it can be.💐

This is what will happen, very likely. Resentment from your older child.

Your eldest should be able to have friends over independent of her sister.

Bloody hell OP, if this is causing you a major issue now, then god help the teenage years!

Have you formulated a plan yet?

Yes let’s teach the older daughter that her friends don’t matter and her sister must always be pandered to. That will set them up for a great relationship when they’re older.

Such entitlement.
It's your daughters home fgs how unreasonable.
I wouldn't invite her.

They’re not being mean! They’re just friends with each other, which is very normal on that age. If it was a younger boy would they be expected to play with him?

Exactly this! My daughter had a friend who was an only child, this girl could not fathom my daughter letting her brothers join in for craft or a movie or even sit at the table together for afternoon tea! It was all in at our place, no one excluded in the younger years and everyone treated with kindness and respect.

It’s not like it’s every night. Once a month of watching a movie or two in my bedroom isn’t a hardship to create space for my child and a friend to have a fun sleepover.

Although in all the sleepovers that have happened I’ve never known the children to be asleep by 9pm.

Also depends on your house layout. If you have a separate dining room, so then you don’t need to go upstairs to give space.

Some posters have not read the extra information about the behavioural problems of the younger daughter. This throws new light on the situation and explains why the visitor may not be that keen to include dd2.

Those spouting that they must all play together are of the “we must appease the difficult one” playbook. I’ve been there with a sibling and I can tell you it’s not fair! Even on my 21st birthday dsis chose the menu or “she’ll be in a bad mood”. Trivial example but always dancing around the pain in the arse is exhausting.

Yes I would find a way to make it work if the sleepovers are to continue and this would be one solution.

The younger DD should absolutely have her own space protected, but the 2 friends should also absolutely be facilitated to play by themselves and not forced to include her, no matter how much she kicks and screams!

I assume the older DD has to put up with her younger sister’s behaviour quite a lot, and having to share a room she has nowhere to go if she wants a break. I assume she has to follow the demands of the younger one quite a lot to avoid meltdowns. It’s possible she has told her friend about her sister and friend is trying to manipulate the situation so they can avoid her.

This. I’d be more concerned about the personality of the friend, and the sort of influence she is. She sounds very possessive over your dd (her friend), manipulative, and ultimately not very nice. Is she an only child? Or one of many desperate for attention? Do your daughters get on well themselves?

It’s your other daughter’s bedroom and home too. I don’t feel it’s fair to kick her out of her room for the friend, not often anyway. And certainly ensure it works both ways. Other daughter can go to friends, or they sleep in a tent in the garden or something.

My nieces share a room, are 2 years apart, (3 school years), and it’s my sister who is having to make sure they have some non-sister involved play time, as they all get along and play well.

I might be encouraging daughter to invite other friends over a bit more. Ones who are nicer and kinder.

Do 7 year olds have regular sleepovers?

that seems awfully young

Wow that is young for sleepovers.
A couple hour visit I’d either entertain younger dd myself or invite someone for her. It’s fine for your older DD to want to play with her friends 1:1.
For sleepovers given they share a room your younger dd has to be included, if they won’t do that and are mean to your dd then no sleepovers. The girl doesn’t sound like a nice person anyway.

As others have said, she is not her sister's keeper and this is doubly the case here where her younger sister seems to have some sort of social difficulties which have stopped her making her own friends. You will make Dd1 hate dd2.

This!

So many say put the kids to sleep in the living room

how does that work as surely they are asleep 8/9 age depending and you want an evening

or do you the parents go to your room and read /watch tv till your bedtime

I'm reading this thread in disbelief. Of course friend doesn't get to deceive the younger sibling.

I have an open door house, there are loads of kids coming and going, but nobody gets to be rude to the people who live here.

I have DDs who share a room and would never tell one of them they aren't allowed in their own bedroom because the other has a friend over. I might encourage them to choose to do something different but they don't get forced out to accommodate people who won't be nice to them.

I had many play dates ruined with my best friend's little sister forcing herself in. I didn't want to play with a six year old when I was nine. It's tiresome and it spoils things. I know the siblings share a space but if one has a guest the other one shouldn't force themselves in all the time. That'd like never being g able to see your friend without her husband.

In my house if one has a friend over they all play together nicely or the friend goes home. I try to invite a friend each or schedule play dates when the other children are out or doing different activities or play with the friendless child myself but sometimes it’s not practical. 6&7 are close enough in age to want to play the same things. Does dd1 want dd2 to play and it’s the friend who is excluding her? I wouldn’t tolerate that. Sleepovers at age 6&7 is quite early anyway and I don’t think work with your dynamic.

@gardenflowergirl I have an only child, not spoilt. He gets on very well with siblings of his friends, and in fact has sometimes then got separate friendships with siblings, so might socialise with them separately as well as together.

If a child displays the behaviour of DD2 I can understand why a visiting child might not want to play with them.

😂

If I have a group of my female friends round I don’t always want DH to sit with us and join in

I don’t think you can reasonably insist on them all playing together, even if it happens with other friends.

For those mentioning the friend being an ‘only child’, I had even less tolerance as a DC to other people’s “annoying” younger siblings, being bad enough having my own at home!!

We would always tell them to “go away” and don’t think that’s particularly unusual.

The shared room makes it more challenging.

Maybe for the reciprocal sleepovers the friends can stay in the lounge?