Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

It’s not unreasonable for your DD’s friend to only want to play with the child she is friends with. I don’t think it’s relevant or not whether the guest is an only child. Either invite a friend for other child or manage expectations and encourage your other DD to do something else for a couple of hours. They are individuals as well as sisters.

Your older child does not owe your younger one friendship. She should be encouraged to cultivate her own friendships and not forced on her older sister. It's not fair on your eldest.

then you need to work on that with DD2. Not impose her on your other DDs friends.

How do you not see the ridiculousness of what you are saying?

god it's bad enough with twins - a friend has twins and is VERY careful to treat them, and have other people treat them, as separate entities - but with siblings of a different age it must be easy to understand why they don't have to do things together all the time. Especially when a 3rd party (friend of one) donesn't want to see the other sibling.

If you make them always include their sibling, you are setting them up to be shunned by everyone else who doesn't want a trailing sibling included too.

Imagine if one was a boy? or 5 years older? it is ridiculous.

That's not your elder DD's problem or responsibility, though.

You need to find a way of managing this, as your elder daughter is entitled to play dates that do not involve your younger daughter.
I do actually understand, having twin DC, who share a room and do not share all of the same friends.
I don't try to make them involve the other in play dates, as it can be hard enough sharing the room without having your same/similar age sibling foisted upon you by a parent.

I have a sister, a year apart from me in age. Growing up, I was sick, and I was tired of her being involved in everything I did. I couldn't have a friend over she hung around us. She hung around me at school. She hardly had any friends herself. She was the older one.

Honestly, just invite another friend over for the other child at the same time.

I don’t really understand the issue. I have twins and they are allowed to have a friend over without the sibling having to join them. Sibling either has time on their own (watching TV in my room on my bed - seen as a treat) or comes with me, helps cook etc. forcing siblings to play changes the dynamic and is weird imo.

I would explain that as the friend excludes DD2, she can only come over when you already have DD2s friend coming too. So short notice requests might result in a refusal. Could they both have sleepovers and the older two sleep in the lounge?

Anyone else finding this all a bit strange?

the solution (s) are SO obvious!

Your siblings are different people and I can see why her friend just wants to play with her. At this age that’s normal. Why don’t you prepare your other Dd by saying that while her sisters friend is over you two will do something special, so do some crafts or watch a movie.

can sleepovers be in the living room on airbeds?

Well then can dad take youngest to the work sometimes while the other girls play at home?

but as long as it’s not most times then yes they should include Dd2.

Just tell the friend straight out next time: if you come to my house then Lily needs to be included. Atleast she can then have a choice to turn down the play date. My son's friend had a very energetic younger sibling who pestered them to the point that my son only wanted to play with him if he came to ours.
As long as you set out the rules upfront.

In defence of your oldest, when I was a child I used to feel suffocated being around my siblings ALL. THE. TIME.
I craved time apart from them, I loved them of course but siblings get on your nerves. I totally understand your oldest wanting time with just her friend and having a friend thats just hers. Siblings rarely get to have anything that's just for themselves. Although it is mean to intentionally exclude your youngest, try imagine it from your oldests POV too xx

Having your other DD there upsets the dynamic between the friends. I like most of my friends’ sisters, but I wouldn’t want them there at every meet-up!

leep your other DD occupied with you instead. Sounds like you expect the friend to be free childcare for your younger DD!

The friend sounds quite mean.

I get what people are saying about also inviting friend of other DD over but thats not always practical/possible.

It does seem a bit mean to exclude the other daughter, when presumably your 2 girls are happy to play together when just the 2 of them.

I'm also going to guess the friend is an only child, correct ?

then there are no sleepovers.

It really does require planning and careful handling,, but you simply cannot impose one of your DDs on the other DDs friends. That is just batshit

As others have said, invite a friend for your other DD too.

Nobody should have to be friends with people they don't want to be.

Definitely the living room for sleepovers.

I think yabu.

I used to really dislike having younger siblings tagalong when I was a child, be it my own younger sibling or my friends.

Can’t you occupy your younger daughter?

you have to let the DDs have their own friends, and you can't force their friends to be on board with including the sibling just because she's there.

That is just daft and setting them all up for an unsatisfactory outcome.

If one DD has a friend over, then you need to otherwise occupy the other DD.

I have 2 18 months apart, they are grown up now, but that was a very important lesson for me to learn, and luckily i learned it early on.