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AIBU?

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Original poster

To politely ask this mum to back off a little?

36 replies

Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:19

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the mum of my littlest DC's friend.

They met at nursery and have made a nice bond and are both in the process of being assessed for autism. Both age 4 and staying on at nursery for another year.

My eldest is (diagnosed) autistic too so I do appreciate that it's rare/lovely for children like ours to make friends so early on, especially as this little girl is non verbal.

The problem is this little girls mum is very full on. We exchanged numbers with a view to having the odd play date and we've had two so far, but there's a lot of contact.

She wants to video call often so the girls can see one another. It gets awkward after 5 minutes or so as they can't conversate so I end up chatting to mum to fill the silence, usually when I have lots to be getting on with myself.

Then there's the normal calls to chat about whatever is on her mind or what's going on in her life.

She has some MH problems and I truly feel for her (because I do too - I'm ADHD and have CPTSD) but I just don't have the bandwidth to sustain a new full on friendship right now. I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don't feel comfortable sharing with her at this point as I still barely know her. I'm starting to dread going to nursery.

She called me multiple times yesterday as she had a meeting coming up that she was anxious about and wanted to talk.

To my shame, I ignored the phone as I had a lot on my plate as it was, now I feel bad. Its also awkward as ill have to see her today.

WIBU to politely ask her to back off a little? And how would you do that If you were me? I really don't want to cause offence but it's all a bit suffocating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:39

I have just sent her the above suggested message, thank you!

I've always been a bit of a people pleaser and spent years over commiting to things/situations that inevitably lead to resentment or burnout, I'm making a conscious effort to change that pattern now I'm into my 30's.

I think people see me as a good listener as I always seem to be offloaded onto 😬

OP posts:
ThankULord · 16/07/2025 06:32

Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:25

I have two unopened messages from her that she sent yesterday about wanting to talk about her meeting, I haven't a clue how to go about responding to that now 24 hours later 😩

I feel like I have to acknowledge it somehow as we're both going to an end of term event at nursery this afternoon.

Edited to add - yes it's possible she may be neurodiverse too.

Thank you for the replies!

Edited

You can reply, 'Just read your messages. Sorry, been too busy'.

Or don't reply. And if you see her at nursery and she mentions it, say 'Oh, sorry. I have been busy'.

Don't feel guilty about protecting some breathing space for yourself. Something i have learnt to do.

neverbeenskiing · 16/07/2025 06:28

Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:25

I have two unopened messages from her that she sent yesterday about wanting to talk about her meeting, I haven't a clue how to go about responding to that now 24 hours later 😩

I feel like I have to acknowledge it somehow as we're both going to an end of term event at nursery this afternoon.

Edited to add - yes it's possible she may be neurodiverse too.

Thank you for the replies!

Edited

"Sorry I didn't reply yesterday I was really busy, hope your meeting went ok"

Then whenever she texts you in future just leave it a few hours before you reply and hopefully she will get the message that you're not someone who is going to be immediately available or in constant contact.

IamnotSethRogan · 16/07/2025 06:27

Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:25

I have two unopened messages from her that she sent yesterday about wanting to talk about her meeting, I haven't a clue how to go about responding to that now 24 hours later 😩

I feel like I have to acknowledge it somehow as we're both going to an end of term event at nursery this afternoon.

Edited to add - yes it's possible she may be neurodiverse too.

Thank you for the replies!

Edited

Just reply along the lines of "sorry busy day yesterday, good luck with the meeting"

And just keep along that track. As others have said, be less available.

Original poster
Lavender1993201 · 16/07/2025 06:25

I have two unopened messages from her that she sent yesterday about wanting to talk about her meeting, I haven't a clue how to go about responding to that now 24 hours later 😩

I feel like I have to acknowledge it somehow as we're both going to an end of term event at nursery this afternoon.

Edited to add - yes it's possible she may be neurodiverse too.

Thank you for the replies!

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 16/07/2025 06:24

Tell her not to. Other calling you as you often leave the phone in a drawer. Then stop answering all her calls.

Swearwolf · 16/07/2025 06:24

That sounds like a lot! It sounds like she’s lonely and wants to be friends, so I’m not sure about going as far as to tell her to back off completely. I might start gently pushing back every time and try to set precedents for how and how often you talk. If she tries calling, message back and say sorry I can’t talk, see you tomorrow, or shift the conversation to text so you can reply as and when it’s convenient? Then she’ll know you’re not completely avoiding her, but it puts it back on your terms.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/07/2025 06:23

Do you think she might be neurodiverse herself? Maybe she’s not good at reading between the lines. Maybe you can find a diplomatic way of drawing a boundary about what you can offer. Might mentioning how you don’t have time/bandwidth to see long established, close friends soften the blow?

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 16/07/2025 06:23

“I’m sorry, can’t speak now. The kids will see each other at nursery on Wednesday.”

MiloMinderbinder925 · 16/07/2025 06:22

I wouldn't ask her to back off but would just answer the phone only now and again and same with messages.

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2025 06:21

Be a lot less available, answer the phone less, reply slowly- basically phase her out

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