Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

Interesting how split the responses are. I can’t help thinking that the people saying suck it up and go haven’t experienced this kind of anxiety.

There’s no way I could have gone abroad (or even away overnight in same country tbh) when my daughter was so young. I did it first when she was five and that was really hard.

Theres no point putting yourself through it, the time will come when you feel ok to do this kind of thing, but that time isn’t now.

This is strange for me OP.

I did exactly this and posted about it at the time. A neighbour, friend, farming community. Very small hen. I paid in full, then just panicked the week before.

lots said I should go, lots said she would understand. I didn’t go.

her first born is now about to start school with my fourth.

we had a mums meal the other night and people were talking about babies and friends and just needing people who can get you. Post natal.

I said one of my lowest moments, was turning down her hen night. She looked horrified, she then said one of her lowest was not telling me to bring the baby 🫣😂😂as if I would. She said she genuinely hadn’t given it a second thought and totally got it.

it was so funny how I had worried about that for years, she had gone onto have three, and was also thinking about it but for different reasons.

i think we do well to follow our instincts sometimes, I still know I wouldn’t have been myself, and it wasn’t a weekend about me leaving baby, it was a weekend about her.

I completely hear you. I’ve felt like this before leaving my children and they were much older than 7 months. It seems like such a good idea at the time but once the anxiety and guilt creeps in it’s very difficult to shake.

I’ve been four times abroad without my children, each time I’ve felt this way before going. Three times I had a great time once I got there. Just once I shouldn’t have gone, it was torture and I couldn’t wait to get home.

I give myself permission (and the funds!) to fly home if I want to. I don’t have to stay if I don’t want to. I think to myself I’ll hold my head high and go home if that’s what I want. Once I have the option to go home if I want, I often find the nerves and anxiety lift.

Perhaps try and go because if you don’t you’ll never go away again for a long time, but knowing that if after 24hrs it’s not for you, go home. Bang the flight on a credit card and pay it over 12 months if necessary. Confide in a friend who’s going if you can.

I totally understand the washing machine, sick and worried feelings you’re experiencing. Take care of yourself.

Being honest with yourself, would you want to go if it wasn't for the DC? If so go, and accept you will miss them but they will be fine, and it is OK for you to go and have fun without them.

Trouble is with anxiety, if you avoid things your world gets smaller.
Anxious thinking is your brains misguided way of keeping you safe but if you listen to it you will end up doing less and less. Thoughts are not facts, ignore it, go to the hen do, have a nice time, and afterwards you will feel less anxious about the next trip.

you're not being unreasonable - i wouldn't be angry at you if i were the bride.

Anxiety is awful!

OP didn’t say her mental health is suffering or that she has anxiety. She said she’s feeling anxious about leaving the kids, which is a completely normal way to feel at the thought of leaving your baby for the first time. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it though. Maybe it is the case that she has poor mental health but it’s assuming quite a lot to skip straight to you shouldn’t go ‘cos mental health’.

The thing is you agree to go and you could have reasonably said no on the basis you have young children. Once you agree to go it's really poor form to pull out last minute and if a few people did that it could ruin the hen do. I'd also make sure you pay for your share of everything if you do pull out.

Having said that I understand the anxiety and sympathise.

I can't believe how little people are sympathising with your anxiety. If you would be too stressed being separated from your baby by going abroad that is totally fair. You're not leaving anyone out of pocket and I don't believe you booked it anticipating you would feel this way. For the record I didn't leave my first overnight till they were nearly 3 and I breast fed till nearly 2, I would also have been too anxious to be separated from my baby.

OP if you can't do it, you can't do it. Is there anything they won't be able to do if you drop out? Is there enough other hens going. Xx Take care of yourself though OP, having a baby is a valid reason. Can you speak to one of the bridesmaids first? Do you think the bride will be understanding? Xx

I think it's really natural for you not to want to leave such a small baby. I would also not have wanted to leave mine, especially going abroad when they were that age.

People are reaching as though you not being there is going to ruin the hen party. It won’t. Your friend will be disappointed and then get on with having a cracking time with all her other guests. That’s not to say you don’t matter, you do, but so do all the other friends who will be there so I don’t think it’s a huge deal if you don’t go. And if you’re truly dreading it then don’t.

this.

I really feel for you as it sounds exactly like me when my kids were little. However, if you are able to push through and go you might find you have a great time and feel invigorated by the experience. I would like to think your friend will
understand if you don’t go…good luck with whatever you decide

A good friend who loves you wouldn’t want you to feel this way. 7 months is still so little. I would try to get counselling for anxiety but in terms of this trip, no, I wouldn’t go.

If you really don’t want to go then don’t go, but don’t lie about it. I’d have been disappointed but otherwise fine as the bride in the same situation but I’d be really upset when (and it’s a when, not an if) I found out a close enough friend to be coming on a hen do abroad had felt the need to lie about it.

In fact a friend dropped out of our wedding last minute for a reason that was valid to her, even if I thought she was being a bit unreasonable a the time. Thanks to her honesty we’re actually closer than we ever were now.

You say you normally feel like this when you leave them and know you are leaving them with a capable parent. I'd really try and push through for your close friend it's healthy to have a break from being mum, you can facetime before you go out and if you don't go it sends a message to your partner you don't trust him to look after the kids.
It's not easy my ds is currently away from me for a holiday I hate it and am anxious the whole time but I know it's my issue

Well, obviously it’s not ok to drop out. You’ve made a commitment to your close friend! But really, whether it’s “ok” or not doesn’t really matter, does it? What really matters is whether or not you can actually push yourself to go. FWIW I wouldn’t go, but I would have declined at the outset.

If you decide not to go, I think you should absolutely lie, unless your friend has knowledge of your anxiety and would understand. Otherwise you’ll hurt her feelings and might get a right earful if she’s the bridezilla type.

I’d probably say something about an infection which could get worse, dr has advised not to fly, would invalidate insurance etc.

This X 100.

What about in the future when you want a break and you’ve sent this kind of message that you can’t leave them with him. Your children will be fine, you need to take a big breath & figure out why you feel unable to leave them!

A baby and a toddler will have no perception of mum having fun on a hen do.

Goooo the kids will be fine, it’s good for you to show your kids that Mammy can have fun too

I wouldn't go. If it was this country I'd say give it a go and you can always feign illness if it's too much but abroad hen is a bigger commitment.

That’s really OTT if you ask me. This is surely a close friend, no need to be so formal.

Honestly I’d not go. Look after yourself. I didn’t go to a hen do this year because the kids all had a stomach bug and didn’t think it was fair to leave DH with all 3 of them - good job I didn’t go because I came down with it too and there was a pregnant woman on the hen do etc etc. I still paid. No big deal, because my friend the bride is not precious and has a realistic view on life.

Anxiety is awful, and I think as long as you have paid and are willing to accept that as a loss, then it is reasonable to cancel.
I would try honesty along these lines

To friend,
I am deeply sorry to do this at the last minute, but I'm not able to attend your hen party this weekend. I was genuinely really looking forward to it, but the realities of having a new baby and the anxiety around being in a different country to my children has just built and built over the last few weeks to the point where my anxiety is now unbearable. I know I would not be able to enjoy being away, or give you the amazing time away you deserve with the best company. I would hate to put any sort of dampener on things or take anything away from your special weekend, and I am so very sorry I can't be there in the way I hoped to be. I haven't taken the decision lightly, I really hope you understand, and are able to forgive me. I obviously don't expect any refund of costs, and I hope you have an absolutely brilliant time.

If you can push yourself to go then go! Don’t let the bride down. Don’t send the message to DH that he can’t be trusted to look after his own kids. You know the anxiety isn’t rational so don’t let it win. I bet you’d enjoy yourself if you went and would regret it if you didn’t. I know I know easier said than done though.