Difficult behaviour at work - Aibu?

People management doesn’t get easier. Your manager handled it perfectly (saying there were comments said on both sides and not actually taking sides).

If your role as a manager is to make sure your staff member is meeting a deadline and you know they are flaky, you need to coach them, document, organise meetings (where is the project at questions), and advise of timeframes. If it is continuous then they potentially go on a performance plan.

It sounds as though the conversation got emotional and caught on personal matters and instead of accepting that managers can also show vulnerability, you lectured your staff member and hauled them up in front of a senior manager who probably has limited time. It doesn’t look good. I wouldn’t dwell though or say you are a terrible manger to yourself (negative self-talk won’t help), learn from it and move forward.

I am sorry for your sad news 💐

I never suggested litigation I suggested support.

OP, coffeeandmycats thinks everyone should litigate at every opportunity. Please don’t take their advice, it will ruin your professional reputation.

Right I find that very unprofessional when you’re aware of my circumstances. Please can you think about what you’re saying. We can reconvene at the end of the day and I’ll have my line manager there too

Your circumstances shouldn't be coming into it. That's made you sound unreasonable and immature. Have you had any leadership training? A better reply would be:

"Please don't use that tone, I'm not trying to be miserable, I'm trying to find out what support you need to achieve the deadline of X".

I feel like by saying ‘I feel alone with it all’ you wanted the senior manager to side with you? It sounds like you had a mediated conversation and the only thing that manager was allowed to do was to facilitate the conversation between the two of you and their response ‘you both said some things let’s move on’ was enough in that situation.

I wouldn’t give this any more of your headspace. It was a shitty conversation, but it’s done now - hopefully she gets the message not to ‘banter’ with you.

You should have said there and then that the tone was unprofessional, now we'll carry on the conversation about the deadline.

Shut them down and get to the point.

You undermined yourself by running to your manager and needing a witness to have a fairly standard conversation with a direct report. You now look weak and this person will be acutely aware of that.

this could be undiagnosed or undeclared neurodiversity, have you suggested an OH referral yet?

I’m sorry things are difficult but your OP is very difficult to follow. Honestly you sound stressed and muddled - which can’t be helping with comms in the team.

You were very abrupt in wanting to take this to your line manager, it seems you want them to adjudicate on a squabble, which makes it look like you can’t cope with this arsy staff member.

it sounds like a shitty workplace, and you’re not in a great place to deal with dickheads. They may see you as someone not coping with the role though. Do you really want to continue in this workplace or in similar roles?

Where is the conflict? Someone asked you why you were miserable. You can answer that question factually and professionally without a manager.

You're showing how young and inexperienced you are.

I think you over reacted to their comment
“Why are you being so miserable something wrong?”
There was no need to drag slt in. All you had to say was 'im fine, let get back to thos project' or 'no, I need to take 5' then gone for a walk or got a coffee

If they are consistently missing deadlines they should be on a formal performance plan. Start documenting your conversations so you have an audit trail.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate so echo the suggestion of an Occupational Health referral and perhaps visit your GP too?

Did you like my suggestion about occupational health? it could help

Yes, overreaction. This is the sort of thing I’d expect you to be able to nip in the bud and move on from quickly. As leadership, I wouldn’t be impressed being asked to come in on a meeting to deal with such a minor thing.

It does sound like you're in a really tricky situation, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all to feel frustrated. You were trying to do your job, set boundaries professionally, and you weren't met with much support. The reaction from others especially laughing it off would make anyone feel dismissed or undermined.
That said, one thing to consider (and I say this very gently) is whether the staff member might have an undiagnosed or unspoken disability, like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or something similar. Sometimes what looks like “rudeness” or inappropriate comments can actually be someone struggling with social cues, emotional regulation, or anxiety under pressure. Obviously, this doesn’t excuse unprofessional behaviour, but it might help explain it and guide how you support them going forward.
As their line manager, you’re in a position to open up a conversation about reasonable adjustments, if that’s appropriate. You’re absolutely right it's part of your role to create space for that, and sometimes it means checking in with HR or Occupational Health if there’s a pattern of behaviour that seems linked to communication or interaction difficulties. It’s also okay to ask what helps them work best and whether any accommodations might make things smoother for everyone.
You’re not imagining the leadership’s response being a bit underwhelming, either. “Let’s just move on” only works if the root issue is actually addressed. It’s perfectly fair to ask for clearer support if this happens again or to ask for more formal mediation if needed.
You're doing your best in a tough spot and no, you're not being unreasonable to want more professionalism, support, and respect.

It's just a turn of phrase.

Maybe try and sit down with the employee and speak to them to gain a deeper understanding of them and ask if there is anything that can be done to support them further, if they may have a disability maybe refer them to occupational health.

I think the lesson for @ThePerkyCoralPoet here is not to take your personal shit to work. It may well be that there are things in personal life that affect the way one thinks, but that has to be left at home if you are in a leadership position. Unfortunately, being compassionate about the circumstances of someone in your team still needs to be prevalent.

Sucks to be a manager, but there it is.