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Original poster

Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

240 replies

ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 17:57

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 15/07/2025 20:24

Op

Im so sorry this happened to you. I would blame her too. Going into work when you are ill with something contagious is an absolute no no!

I feel furious on your behalf.

I do think you should tell management the full story though

TomatoSandwiches · 15/07/2025 20:23

I understand your anger, your situation seems very unfair. The truth is that no one can know what caused the miscarriage and sadly having endometriosis itself will cause inflammation markers to be high. Pregnant women contract allsorts of illnesses and the pregnancy is successful, I know you hate her but realistically you couldn't point your finger her way, especially to her or HR.

I would try to access some counselling because I worry that when you become pregnant again you may struggle to live a normal daily life and become resistant to leaving your home.

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 20:22

I think the hypothesis of what I was told by the pregnancy unit is that I may have had a strong immune reaction to the virus that could’ve ended up attacking the pregnancy. I’ve always reacted badly to Covid unfortunately, odd as I’ve got no health conditions other than endometriosis which isn’t relevant to Covid

OP posts:
SnappyPombear · 15/07/2025 20:19

I'm so so sorry. I never usually comment on posts here but I just had to after reading yours. I would feel absolutely the same way as you do towards her, I don't think I could stand the sight of her.

I wonder whether writing her a letter (and never sending it, of course) to get out all of your feelings and anger, might help? If it were me I'd feel desperate to let my rage out. Maybe it would be cathartic for you. You could burn the letter after writing it.

I'm so sorry that this has happened and am wishing you all the best.

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 20:18

Crunchymum · 15/07/2025 20:16

someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy

As someone who has suffered the heartache of recurrent miscarriage, I'm shocked that anyone who works within the pregnancy unit would say something like this to you.

It's a very blasé statement and nobody should be "confirming" your reason for miscarrying without medical evidence. We underwent a lot of tests after our 3rd loss and even then no cause could be determined. The person who told you the illness could have caused your miscarriage, was out of order. And wrong.

I'm sorry this happened to you but please don't let it ruin your job and your career trajectory too.

Take some more time to heal. Get signed off if you need to and by all means escalate your concerns about your colleagues hygiene but you cannot accuse your work colleague of causing your miscarriage.

Edited

DP said similar. I had been in A&E a couple of days prior to the miscarriage relating to the virus so I think from looking through my notes and seeing how ill I still was from the virus, and liaising with the general A&E department about my condition, they must’ve had their reasons it saying it. My C-reactive protein was high. I’ll also have to have follow-up bloods shortly to check if my white blood cell count has recovered as it got decimated by the virus

OP posts:
Bluebubblepig · 15/07/2025 20:18

I’m so so sorry for your loss. My hearts breaks for you. But I don’t think it’s fair to blame her. It could have happened anyway and even if the virus did play a part you can’t know you got it from her. I think it’s understandable to want to place blame. But I’m not sure that’s helpful or fair. As far as studies I’m aware of only a potential link has been found with miscarriage whilst having covid. It isn’t confirmed so I feel placing total blame on her is unfair.

londongirl12 · 15/07/2025 20:18

StinkyCheeseMoose · 15/07/2025 18:44

I don't think you can reasonably expect to be seated separately from your colleague, especially as you need to engage with her as part of your job.

Obviously you are grieving a terrible loss and that is going to affect your judgement, but your colleague has done nothing wrong. It's quite possible that she didn't contribute to your loss at all. She certainly didn't do so deliberately or maliciously.

You can't expect your employer to act in any way that could be seen as punishing your colleague or blaming her for your loss. That would be unreasonable.

Given that you feel such a visceral reaction to her and you don't know how you can continue in the job, you should probably start looking for a new job as soon as you can.

Show quote history

She did nothing wrong???? Come off it. Of course she did. You don’t go into an office sneezing all your shitty germs around and that’s perfectly acceptable!!

op I’m so sorry this happened. I would speak to HR/ senior management about the whole situation. I’m not surprised you feel this way.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/07/2025 20:18

ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 20:13

Yes deffo I’m not coping with the miscarriage at all. We did a blood test to find out sex of the baby and I got the results emailed a few days after the miscarriage and I haven’t been able to look. Partner also got the email and he knows what the baby was and I’ve told him to not tell me until I come to him saying I’m ready.

i’m deffo not coping but I do feel some of my anger towards coworker is valid. Even if it didn’t cause the miscarriage it certainly didn’t help.

Edited

Did you manage to get any tests done to see if they can find any cause for the miscarriage? These results usually take a while to come back so I’m just wondering if you will get more information in the future

FunkyMonks · 15/07/2025 20:16

So sorry Op for your loss how awful I would be the same as you I feel so angry for you right now myself.
I would also be worried I would snap at her in work one day and let loose all the anger. As others have said maybe take some sick leave time away from work focus on yourself and allow yourself to grieve and recover before making that decision on whether you leave or not perhaps another opportunity maybe put forward for you within the company to move to another department.

Richtea67 · 15/07/2025 20:16

mizzzymozzy · 15/07/2025 19:44

The way she behaved with her illness sounds terrible.

While she’s allowed to WFH, you don’t know if she gets snide comments every time she does? (I had a job like this once. Not defending her, but sometimes “wfh optional” isn’t that real.)

It’s beside the point though. I also think it’s time to search for a new role. It’ll be a hard one to get over.

You could tell her? It might make her think twice about coming in when so unwell, and about how she behaves when she’s ill (openly sneezing etc).

OP, again, what a devastating loss. Allow yourself the time to grieve.

Edited

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I experienced an unexpected late miscarriage, you are grieving, recovering physically and have been through something highly traumatic...i would take longer off work to recover. I agree with this poster that I would tell my colleague....she had been utterly disgusting, and should shoulder some of the consequences. Also, does your employer have an EAP service, as they may be able to guide you through this?

Crunchymum · 15/07/2025 20:16

someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy

As someone who has suffered the heartache of recurrent miscarriage, I'm shocked that anyone who works within the pregnancy unit would say something like this to you.

It's a very blasé statement and nobody should be "confirming" your reason for miscarrying without medical evidence. We underwent a lot of tests after our 3rd loss and even then no cause could be determined. The person who told you the illness could have caused your miscarriage, was out of order. And wrong.

I'm sorry this happened to you but please don't let it ruin your job and your career trajectory too.

Take some more time to heal. Get signed off if you need to and by all means escalate your concerns about your colleagues hygiene but you cannot accuse your work colleague of causing your miscarriage.

Driftingawaynow · 15/07/2025 20:14

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/07/2025 19:40

She isn't at fault because no one truly knows why OP miscarried. It may have happened even if OP didn't get her illness.

No one actually knows.

Show quote history

she is at fault. she bought a horrible virus into work and recklessly spread it around. I did not say she is responsible for the miscarriage, (although I think you could make a fairly reasonable argument that the two things are connected). She’s at fault because she did a stupid thoughtless thing.

blows my mind that people are still acting like it’s okay to bring viruses into work unnecessarily despite reading the terrible physical and psychological impact this has had on the OP.

If you’re sick please think twice about your impact on other people and do what you can to mitigate it. Same goes for the absolute arseholes who send their children to nursery when they’ve got diarrhoea and vomiting bugs

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 20:13

Yes deffo I’m not coping with the miscarriage at all. We did a blood test to find out sex of the baby and I got the results emailed a few days after the miscarriage and I haven’t been able to look. Partner also got the email and he knows what the baby was and I’ve told him to not tell me until I come to him saying I’m ready.

i’m deffo not coping but I do feel some of my anger towards coworker is valid. Even if it didn’t cause the miscarriage it certainly didn’t help.

OP posts:
Voxon · 15/07/2025 20:12

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are expressing grief through anger. I have said YANBU because you aren't required to be reasonable, but your coworker (if inconsiderate) isn't to blame as you could have caught a virus anywhere. If you're financially able, I would honestly tell you to explain what occurred and ask for a month's unpaid leave to grieve. This is a big thing and you need time.

IberianBlackout · 15/07/2025 20:09

I also have a coworker I detest and in my experience they’ll just double down on keeping them as a knee jerk reaction 🤷🏻‍♀️ management at the time told me they’d “get rid of the person if I really wanted to” but that was really a really shitty way to put it on me - I didn’t want them to “get rid”, I said from the very beginning it was a horrible idea and still is.

If you can afford just leave. I’m counting the days til I can afford to change jobs. Meanwhile a lot of hand gel on standby.

BeBusyDuck · 15/07/2025 20:05

I just want to start by saying how sorry I am for your loss and I hope you take enough time off to grieve.

But you are being unreasonable in my opinion. I know you said this colleague can work from home but maybe that day she had a meeting, a call she had to take in the office, maybe she left something in the office you can't really know anyone's diary 100% of the time so maybe there was a reason she was in.
The thing is you can't wrap yourself in cotton wool when you are pregnant unfortunately. You will come across people who are ill, that's life. You can't control other people but you can control anything you do.
I understand you are angry because I would be aswell. It's easy for me to sit here and say that but I am being rational. Maybe at the moment you are not being rational and I don't blame you.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss, take time to heal.

MarySueSaidBoo · 15/07/2025 20:01

I'd be very careful OP if you're still on probation. You've had a period of sick leave and even if management are sympathetic, there comes a point where you start pushing your luck.

I would quietly look for another job, because you're always going to hate this woman. I'm so sorry for your loss.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 15/07/2025 19:58

When you first noticed she was ill why didn't you fake a migraine or something and go home?

FestivusMiracle · 15/07/2025 19:52

I understand the irrational anger, but it’s not your colleague’s fault.

ScrambledEggs12 · 15/07/2025 19:51

Yutes · 15/07/2025 19:22

The “at least you can get pregnant” isn’t as nice as people think it is.

Im very sorry for your loss OP.

I also lost my baby after contracting Covid and it still makes me feel desperately sad.

It just feels like all the shielding we did at the time was all for nothing.

You are valid in how you feel OP

Completely agree, saying "at least you know you can get pregnant" was one of the worst things to hear after a miscarriage. I didn't want to know I could get pregnant, I wanted to know I could have a baby!

So sorry for your loss OP x

Ijustwanttobehealthy · 15/07/2025 19:51

YANBU

I hate this woman too just reading your post. I don't know why so many people are making excuses "she didn't know you were pregnant", so what? She knew she was incredibly ill, so she was still out of order to spread it to her work colleagues. I highly doubt she'd have stayed home even had she known OP was pregnant. People like her don't care, they just want the attention of being a 'martyr'.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. I suffered a miscarriage after being trapped in a lift inside a supermarket. I had a very bad panic attack whilst inside. The manager refused to call the Lift Engineer to rescue me as the policy said they had to wait X amount of hours first. I overheard him arguing with a female colleague who was begging him to call the engineer. It was awful. I miscarried the following day.

I really do think you should discuss this with HR. You are not unreasonable at all to feel such hatred for her. Make sure you tell them the doctors said it was the virus.

As you wanted to base your career around this new workplace, I would try to work with HR to resolve this for you, rather than leave. But if they are not sympathetic, and won't move you, then I'd look to leave.

I can appreciate it is taking a lot for you not to rip that bitch's head off.

I'm so sorry xxx

RattyMcBatty · 15/07/2025 19:49

I'm so sorry OP. How awful. I totally get how you feel about her, as someone who has had three miscarriages and also works opposite someone who insisted on working in the office, refusing to close windows because she was in a draught, when she was obviously and disgustingly sneezing and coughing everywhere and my other colleague was going to be going on a holiday of a lifetime in a week's time and really didn't need to be ill throughout it.

You could ask to be moved, but it might be easier to just find another job. Whoever you ask might not have the same understanding we all do unfortunately.

FreddysFingers · 15/07/2025 19:48

She shouldn't have gone into the office when she was ill, irrespective of whether she knew you were pregnant or not. I do think people who have an option to work from home but choose to come in when they are ill are selfish.

YANBU

MoodyMargaret11 · 15/07/2025 19:44

ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 18:45

She 100% has the option to work from home when she likes, she has told me this in conversation. Her job role is manning a drop-in support chat for lower-level colleagues on Teams. She lives alone and says she comes in for social interaction, she’s very chatty.

i know realistically I could’ve caught the virus anywhere but I am fairly certain it’s her. It went through the dementia unit where her daughter works, she caught it from her daughter, and likey gave it to me.

her manners for a woman in her 50s were shocking. Coughing outwardly like a toddler, sneezing without covering mouth (yes I saw droplets land on my work equipment). Leaving her used tissues on the desk etc, licking crisp flavouring off her fingers etc and then offering to get people drinks from the coffee machine. it was insane, I knew I was going to catch it just by watching her.

I think I will end up sacking the job in, I had wanted to build my career there but any training programmes I could apply for to progress higher would require direct support and 1-1 time with her

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you - and I think I'd be feeling exactly the same in your shoes. The woman has obviously not done it on purpose But - not WFH when she can is so selfish and inconsiderate. And so is not covering her mouth and coughing right on your desk WTF. I'd be fuming.
It's also unfortunate that you are new at your job and junior level, if you had been senior or there longer, you'd probably have felt more comfortable to say something at the time and request to move desks, but I can understand how that felt tricky, bless you.
When I've been ill with similar symptoms (but not ill enough to call in sick and no option for WFH), first thing I say to all my coworkers is "I'll try to stay away so you dont catch it" or similar - and then keep my distance, unless they said they didn't care. And of course I'd not be spitting right over their desks!

mizzzymozzy · 15/07/2025 19:44

The way she behaved with her illness sounds terrible.

While she’s allowed to WFH, you don’t know if she gets snide comments every time she does? (I had a job like this once. Not defending her, but sometimes “wfh optional” isn’t that real.)

It’s beside the point though. I also think it’s time to search for a new role. It’ll be a hard one to get over.

You could tell her? It might make her think twice about coming in when so unwell, and about how she behaves when she’s ill (openly sneezing etc).

OP, again, what a devastating loss. Allow yourself the time to grieve.

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