Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

240 replies

ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 17:57

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Purpleballoo · 15/07/2025 22:55

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m surprised the medics would blame covid for this given you also has a bleeding scare? If you have bleeding it can sometimes be down to a haematoma which does raise the risk of miscarriage.

There are so many things that could be to blame or just unlucky.

Are you vaccinated against Covid? If not it might be a good idea to give you some extra reassurance next time.

Zellycat · 15/07/2025 22:43

You bear some responsibility for not requesting to be moved from sick person. You could have said as by number of white lies or told the truth,

For example “ I have caring responsibilities for person with compromised immune system - can I be moved from X as she is very ill, streaming & coughing? I don’t want to make my person ill, they could die if she has covid”

KarmenPQZ · 15/07/2025 22:41

Sorry for your loss. But you need to stop blaming your boss. Pregnancy is a 9 month marathon and it needs to be strong enough to get through that time whilst having viral infections / bacterial ie d and v, stress and loads of other things thrown at it. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and I had a migraine and felt absolutely horrific the day before and always wondered if the migraine caused the miscarriage or the other way. But there’s just no way of knowing.

Recognise that you’re upset and frustrated and need to grieve but stop putting it on your boss.

Megifer · 15/07/2025 22:39

When I miscarried I blamed my dog for crapping in the kitchen causing me to have to bend down to clean it up. It wasn't my history of gynae issues, the most obvious and likely factor, oh no, it HAD to be the dog.

Its very normal to want to blame something or someone and direct anger at it/them, but this sounds very intense.

Gently, I think you need to talk this through with a professional.

Some of the comments riling you up are very irresponsible and I question the motives behind them tbh.

I am sorry this has happened op ❤️

CopperWhite · 15/07/2025 22:32

Your reaction to this woman is not fair on her and she does not deserve to work with someone who despises her or who admits they are not capable of behaving professionally when working with her just because she came into work with a cold.

You’re not coping with your job, so hand in your notice and then when you’re well enough, have a fresh start.

joliefolle · 15/07/2025 22:29

The difference being, in the fictional murder mystery you reference, the pregnant woman had no idea and no way of knowing that the woman she came briefly into contact with was sick. The colleague was quite literally in people's faces and ears about the fact she was unwell. To feel anger, despair, hatred, regret and more is so understandable when you are going through grief. But it is not rational. It is grief. Painful and profound. It needs to be acknowledged and given space and that can't happen when it's being projected onto a "daft idiot woman".

NewPlaceToGo · 15/07/2025 22:22

I'm so sorry OP.

It reminds me of the plot of "The mirror cracked" by Agatha Cristie.

I think it would be good to get right away from that job if you can and take time to recover.

If it's any help, I have a dear friend in her mid 40s who was devastated by a still birth during the second lockdown, but she went on to have lovely healthy twins.

So there is still time and hope, but I would get that daft idiot woman right out of your life asap.

Ijustwanttobehealthy · 15/07/2025 22:08

If you must go in tomorrow, I'd try to speak with HR about it first, before this meeting with her. As if you've made them aware, then it won't be an "excuse" you've just made up in case you actually did end up snapping at her.

I would definitely speak with HR, and take some time, as in, don't leave hastily over this, but if say in 6 months, you still can't get past it, then consider leaving.

vickylou78 · 15/07/2025 22:01

Sign off sick tomorrow op for a further week. You need more time to grieve and it will give you time to consider options.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 15/07/2025 21:58

i'm thinking about your current state of mind - do not think about tomorrow now. just try and have a relaxing evening as much as you can then tomorrow, when you wake, if you still feel as rough take the day off. There will be a way to get through this.

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 15/07/2025 21:55

LlynTegid · 15/07/2025 21:48

Making no effort to cover your mouth when sneezing and coughing, or move away from others, is someone's fault and shame on any of you for defending them.

Everyone has a responsibility under the Health and Safety at Work Act. It is not as if basic hygiene was not drummed into us at repeated intervals in 2020 and 2021, you don't have to remember it from your childhood.

This sort of thing would not have been on anyone’s radar before Covid. There are loads of reasons for people not calling in sick. Money, for one.

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 15/07/2025 21:54

I don’t think it’s helpful at all for people to pile in and encourage the OP in her view that her colleague is to blame for this. Just further winding up an already distressed person.

It’s crap that you miscarried OP, but it could have been caused by anything and you’ll probably never know.

Dangermoo · 15/07/2025 21:51

The second time I got covid, I wanted to throttle the selfish person, who had gone out with it. In your case, it's even more understandable x

LlynTegid · 15/07/2025 21:48

Making no effort to cover your mouth when sneezing and coughing, or move away from others, is someone's fault and shame on any of you for defending them.

Everyone has a responsibility under the Health and Safety at Work Act. It is not as if basic hygiene was not drummed into us at repeated intervals in 2020 and 2021, you don't have to remember it from your childhood.

Richtea67 · 15/07/2025 21:43

ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 21:31

It’s awful because I have to go in tomorrow and I will see her and the thought makes me feel ill tbh. I will be having a 1-1 with her to discuss one of the clients I’ve been dealing with and I’m dreading it. I can see myself snapping at any negative feedback

Edited

Please please don't go in tomorrow. Prioritise yourself and your emotional and physical recovery....get signed off sick for a few weeks.

ThatCyanCat · 15/07/2025 21:43

My God OP, I don't have any advice but that is just awful. I'm so sorry. I'd loathe her too.

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 21:41

She’s not my direct manager/Team Leader so she isn’t aware of the circumstances but she’s in Training and Development and supports the entry level people of our department. No avoiding her really.

OP posts:
Sapienhom · 15/07/2025 21:39

I'm very sorry for your loss op. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and felt it was caused by a colleague coincidentally. I worked on a hospital ward as a care assistant and was meant to be on light duties but the nurse in charge wouldn't help me. I ended up doing all the bed baths on my own and that night lost my baby.

Grief does strange things to you. I was quite angry with her for a long time. But much much later reasoned quite a lot of miscarriages happen at 12-13 weeks and if it had been viable, it wouldn't have happened.

Im glad I said nothing at the time at work. I never liked this person but I kept that to myself.

Take some time off to come to terms with your loss.

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 21:34

The workplace was a good opportunity and they are big on development from entry-level, that’s why I joined them in the first place. But as I said, development plans would directly involve her. I despise her, I really think it may be best to just walk away.

i promise I am usually a rational, sane and normal person. I’ve worked with vulnerable adults for years, recently did a career move to something more corporate. Have a degree, friends, healthy relationship etc. but this has broken me. I feel as though I hate her

OP posts:
marmite2025 · 15/07/2025 21:32

I would have been cross. I’m immunocompromised and people just don’t think. We have a WFH option and people will drag themselves in and then say they have tonsillitis etc, I get it and end up in sickness meetings because of my time off
I WFH FT now because despite management pleading with people not to come in unwell and just to WFH, they still do

Original poster
ThePunnyPeachPoet · 15/07/2025 21:31

It’s awful because I have to go in tomorrow and I will see her and the thought makes me feel ill tbh. I will be having a 1-1 with her to discuss one of the clients I’ve been dealing with and I’m dreading it. I can see myself snapping at any negative feedback

OP posts:
KickHimInTheCrotch · 15/07/2025 21:23

Depending on the company can you look for a sideways move, alternative team at the same grade, or something?

Realistically your pregancy loss is not her fault, but I can understand why you can't be around her. Best of luck for the future.

MadameTwoSwords · 15/07/2025 21:13

Ijustwanttobehealthy · 15/07/2025 21:06

Well I think it was a very irresponsible thing for someone to tell you: "a healthy pregnancy will hold on 'through fire, famine and flood'", when healthy babies do miscarry, e.g. when the mother is involved in a car accident, fall down the stairs, domestic violence. There absolutely are external factors that cause miscarriage to healthy pregnancies, and your Consultant, whilst trying to make you feel better, was pretty darn unprofessional by saying that, and you for posting it on here.

You say you've known two people with Covid during pregnancies who didn't lose their babies, yet there are at least two people who had Covid during their pregnancies on this thread who did. Your anecdotes are not evidence that this colleague was not to blame by giving the pregnant OP Covid.

Show quote history

To be fair, neither are your anecdotes about those that did. The great majority of miscarriages occur for unknown and unknowable reasons. Perhaps we shouldn't discuss it on the thread of someone in such acute pain.

DiscoBob · 15/07/2025 21:10

It's really sad you lost your baby, I'm so sorry.

It's terribly unfortunate that she came into work that sick and passed it on.

If I was her I'd feel appalling about the whole situation. I don't really know how to get through this but if it's too upsetting to be near her I wouldn't blame you. Is there any chance of a transfer to another team, or a WFH role?

Ijustwanttobehealthy · 15/07/2025 21:06

SilkCottonTree · 15/07/2025 20:40

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. I have had two miscarriages myself, and after the last one I asked my consultant if it was anything I could have done, and he said a healthy pregnancy will hold on 'through fire, famine and flood'. I have also known two people who had bad bouts of covid during pregnancy; and one friend underwent chemotherapy during pregnancy and their babies were fine, so I think it wasn't helpful and perhaps even irresponsible for the person at the pregnancy unit who said your body's response to the virus was to blame.

Well I think it was a very irresponsible thing for someone to tell you: "a healthy pregnancy will hold on 'through fire, famine and flood'", when healthy babies do miscarry, e.g. when the mother is involved in a car accident, fall down the stairs, domestic violence. There absolutely are external factors that cause miscarriage to healthy pregnancies, and your Consultant, whilst trying to make you feel better, was pretty darn unprofessional by saying that, and you for posting it on here.

You say you've known two people with Covid during pregnancies who didn't lose their babies, yet there are at least two people who had Covid during their pregnancies on this thread who did. Your anecdotes are not evidence that this colleague was not to blame by giving the pregnant OP Covid.