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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for the money back?

283 replies

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 12:50

Can’t decide if it’s embarrassing to ask! In the holidays I often take my kids friends on days out with us whilst their parents work. It works well on both sides- their kids get days out and I pick them up drop them off (they all work from home) and my kids have friends to play with. I’m more than happy to do this.

Its always been on the basis that they cover the costs for their kids- transfer ticket money and either bring a packed lunch or if they say they want they to have food out afterwards I let them know how much it cost and they transfer. Sometimes it’s cost me more for example if they bring packed lunches and they want ice creams but I don’t mind that.

It can all add up though as we go on quite a few days out - 1 a week so maybe 6 over the holidays. Last week the mum said she’d transfer after for her DS food - it came to about £15. I messaged her with the cost and she’s not transferred. Appreciate it’s £15 but it soon all adds up if I’m the one paying each time. Would you message again or just leave it? DH says leave it as it’s embarrassing but we don’t have lots of spare money and I have to plan the summer holidays to do this.

Embarrassing or ok to ask? Any suggestions how to do it going forward? Thanks

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 20/07/2025 11:18

Soo have you got the money back?

SassyTurtle · 20/07/2025 11:06

Horses1 · 20/07/2025 11:03

Thanks everyone for your advice. Going forward I’ll get them to tranfer a set amount pre days out and I’ll refund them back if they don’t spend it. It all adds up and I think they won’t want money to put me off taking their DC out as it’s really helpful to them; or their DC is in watching telly all day and are an only child so I think it’s a good arrangement both ways. My kids have company and they get a day out. It’s also cheaper for them as they’re not paying parent entry into the attractions and just paying for their child and I’m covering petrol , door to door drop offs.

I think that’s why I was slightly confused why she didn’t transfer me the money as it’s a one way arrangement. It’s always us taking her DC out and never reciprocated. I have no problem with this at all (she works full time so won’t have the annual leave) - but I’m pointing it out in the sense that if it was reciprocated then one trip she’d pay for the kids and the other trip I would and it would naturally work out. However as it’s set up at the moment it’s all on me so I need to be a bit more forward.

Like some others have said I can’t work out how you would forget- it’s not something to me you could forgot to pay and I’m not a PA who should have to constantly remind someone, but at least I’ve got a plan going forward if do it again.

She does have annual leave, she works full time. She chooses not to spend it taking out other peoples kids which is her choice. But, you're wrong when you say she won't annual leave. She does.

Original poster
Horses1 · 20/07/2025 11:03

Thanks everyone for your advice. Going forward I’ll get them to tranfer a set amount pre days out and I’ll refund them back if they don’t spend it. It all adds up and I think they won’t want money to put me off taking their DC out as it’s really helpful to them; or their DC is in watching telly all day and are an only child so I think it’s a good arrangement both ways. My kids have company and they get a day out. It’s also cheaper for them as they’re not paying parent entry into the attractions and just paying for their child and I’m covering petrol , door to door drop offs.

I think that’s why I was slightly confused why she didn’t transfer me the money as it’s a one way arrangement. It’s always us taking her DC out and never reciprocated. I have no problem with this at all (she works full time so won’t have the annual leave) - but I’m pointing it out in the sense that if it was reciprocated then one trip she’d pay for the kids and the other trip I would and it would naturally work out. However as it’s set up at the moment it’s all on me so I need to be a bit more forward.

Like some others have said I can’t work out how you would forget- it’s not something to me you could forgot to pay and I’m not a PA who should have to constantly remind someone, but at least I’ve got a plan going forward if do it again.

OP posts:
OutIsay · 20/07/2025 10:51

Just say "Hi X, I can't find the payment for little X's lunch, could you check your bank?" She's getting free childcare for a day a week; if she gets offended, that's on her - you're not a charity.

TheFirmTraybake · 20/07/2025 10:30

Its a bit much to be so angry with people for what could be an innocent oversight. Just because she has received a message about it doesn't mean she hasn't forgotten - sometimes we need a reminder. She may well have picked up the message when she was in the middle of doing something and it has subsequently not registered properly, or she intended to do it and then got distracted, which is not unlikely.

Very judgmental of people to jump to the conclusion that it is anything but an honest oversight.

Tanjamaltija · 20/07/2025 09:46

If you let it go once, she will assume that you're fine for a piggyback ride each time. It's not a question of your having spare money or not, it s the principle of the thing. Some people - always the same ones - borrow, but never lend, because they never have what we need, even if it's a tin of milk.

katepilar · 20/07/2025 08:52

I think you should have money upfront and agree with the parents what is ok to spend if you are worried that they say certain amount is too much. Either get them transfer money or ask them to have a kitty to keep it simple.

ThatLemonFox · 20/07/2025 01:00

You could send a message to all involved saying "if you haven't paid yet please could you do so...."
You could also make it clear that if a previous trip has not been paid for then you cannot accept a booking for the next trip.
Well done for being that person organising things! X

HardyCrow · 19/07/2025 23:57

BIWI · 15/07/2025 13:11

Why would you be embarrassed to ask? That’s madness, especially if you’re short of money.

You are doing her a huge favour - don’t forget if she was having to pay for childcare it would be costing her a lot more!

Yes this

Yakacm · 19/07/2025 22:33

Don’t take the kid out again, if she pays you or not.

Jeska7 · 19/07/2025 22:24

Why are a lot of people assuming she has a nerve to do this? It’s likely she got distracted and totally forgot, and that she would appreciate a polite gentle reminder. It wouldn’t harm to say “Sorry to ask but you might have forgotten to transfer the £15. I know it’s not much but it soon adds up, and I need it before I can organise another trip”.

Hippee · 19/07/2025 22:23

It's always the person doing the favour that ends up out of pocket. I hate asking. But also I would be mortified if I had forgotten to pay and would appreciate being reminded.

Fridaynightfish · 19/07/2025 21:49

Surprised at some responses!

She’s forgotten and will be glad of the reminder. And probably mortified.

As your friend I would appreciate a reminder and would pay ASAP. Don’t overthink it - just a quick message to ask if she sent it as you can’t see it on your bank. No big deal honestly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2025 21:35

@Horses1 have you got the money yet ?
if not have you asked for it

Sparticle · 19/07/2025 21:24

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 13:58

Yeah she’s always paid before. And has my bank details as we’re always pinging over for things ( shared teacher Presents, joint stuff etc) .

I think I wrote on here as I’m someone who never forgets to pay. So to me I think she must have purposely not paid, but then again she’s working and busy so maybe she has just forgotten. I know we all work differently in our heads and I’m good at never forgetting to pay and it sits over me- but other people might not be like this.

I think it would be a good idea if I message as awkward as I feel. We’re friends as well , which is probably why I feel awkward but not that close friends we’re on relaxed terms.

To the people asking about the cost and if she agreed- yes I asked if she wanted to bring a packed lunch and she said buy his food up to £20 and she’ll transfer. So it was under and I did things like pack cartons for all the kids and crisps , so I reduced the costs spent at the cafe.

I hope you did ask for the money OP, or have got it back. Given you have already reduced the cost to your friend by providing drinks and snacks out of your own purse, in my mind she really is taking the mick.

My DD started high school last September and her BF’s mum has picked her up nearly every day to take her to school along with her DD. We’ve been so grateful and have invited the whole family around for a meal and drinks (and have told them not to bring anything) to say thank you. Your friend hasn’t made much of an effort really to show gratitude.

MummaMummaMumma · 19/07/2025 21:05

I'd just assume she'd forgotten.
Send a polite reminder, it's not rude or cringey.

mombienation · 19/07/2025 21:02

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 12:50

Can’t decide if it’s embarrassing to ask! In the holidays I often take my kids friends on days out with us whilst their parents work. It works well on both sides- their kids get days out and I pick them up drop them off (they all work from home) and my kids have friends to play with. I’m more than happy to do this.

Its always been on the basis that they cover the costs for their kids- transfer ticket money and either bring a packed lunch or if they say they want they to have food out afterwards I let them know how much it cost and they transfer. Sometimes it’s cost me more for example if they bring packed lunches and they want ice creams but I don’t mind that.

It can all add up though as we go on quite a few days out - 1 a week so maybe 6 over the holidays. Last week the mum said she’d transfer after for her DS food - it came to about £15. I messaged her with the cost and she’s not transferred. Appreciate it’s £15 but it soon all adds up if I’m the one paying each time. Would you message again or just leave it? DH says leave it as it’s embarrassing but we don’t have lots of spare money and I have to plan the summer holidays to do this.

Embarrassing or ok to ask? Any suggestions how to do it going forward? Thanks

You're not being unreasonable but you're possibly overthinking it. She's probably forgotten! How long has it been? Give her a nudge and say "I'm just putting aside our summer pot of £, any chance you could pop the £15 in this account if you haven't already? Thanks so much" , you've already spent more than £15 of your own precious time worrying about it!

gradygals · 19/07/2025 20:58

It would be better to ask for "Incidental Money" beforehand, i.e. money for burger and fries, ice cream, extra drinks, entrance fees etc. If child does not use the Incidental fee then you can refund. It is then not coming out of your budget.

Strictlymad · 19/07/2025 20:53

If she usually pays without issue she’s probably just forgotten, send a polite reminder

rainbowsparkle28 · 19/07/2025 20:43

YANBU. However much it is is kind of irrelevant - you shouldn’t be out of pocket for helping out and looking after someone else’s child.

MumWifeOther · 19/07/2025 20:40

She’s probably forgotten and will be grateful for a gentle reminder.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/07/2025 20:30

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 15/07/2025 13:22

Do they? And even if that is the case, from what the OP has said, the woman hasn't done this before. It's a one off. So jumping to the worst conclusion immediately, despite woman having no form for this behaviour whatsoever, just comes across as nasty.

I'm all for holding people accountable, but immediately jumping to the conclusion that you have is a bit much.

Show quote history

@OldMcDonaldHadABigMac

I disagree with you.

I think it's a bit much to expect someone to sub your kid when you know full well that the person took your child out for the day (so you could work) and incurred expenses. You then received a notification of how much was due and you didn't settle it. And now the poor person who did you a huge favour is tying themselves up in knots trying to figure out how to ask for THEIR money back.

This mum has NO IDEA about the OP's financial circumstances and they don't need to. They should just pay what they owe and do it promptly.

I am so surprised by all the replies that suggest she just forgot blah blah.

It's 2025 - use a calendar reminder, use an app, write it on the kitchen notice board, stick a note on the fridge.

It's total CF behaviour.

Someone upthread even said something about a peri menopausal / ADHD brain - if the kids are the same age could OP not be peri menopausal as well? Would they be happy with that as an excuse if the situation was reversed?

Childcare is a huge expense and summer is one of the most expensive times of the year in that respect. If someone is taking your kids out for the day and incurring expenses so that you can work uninterrupted then pay them promptly, if not in advance.

It's not on to make someone chase you for their money when you have done them a huge favour. Not on at all.

piefacedClique · 19/07/2025 20:24

Why not suggest she gives you a prepaid card to cover the holidays…. Saves you bothering her each time

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 19/07/2025 20:23

I sometimes take my friends kids out but I insist that parents pay ticket costs etc before we leave. My friends always send their kids out with spending money & if there's anything extra to pay, they settle afterwards. I do the same, book & pay for tickets before the event & top up debit card before the trip.

You need to start doing it this way now because it's costing you too much doing it your original way.

Thecoolestnanny · 19/07/2025 20:15

My thoughts exactly 😊