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Original poster

Fair? Dc and private school

62 replies

gotellsomeone · 15/07/2025 10:41

5dc, plan was to have them all at local state primary and then move to a private for secondary school. We thought that private at primary level would be a waste of money, were happy with our state primary that was 5 minute walk away and thought it would be less pressure, we didn’t look at private alternatives.
DSD and DD1 have already done this. DD2 just has y6 to go.

DS3 is going into Y4 and really struggling and we feel his school are really letting him down. Having gone and looked at a private primary we think it would be the best option for him. Looking back and having seen this other options, can see it would have been beneficial for all our dc.

DD4 hasn’t started school but if we moved DS to private then we would want to put her in the same school meaning she’ll be entirely privately educated. I don’t think we would move dd2 because she’s happy and settled with her friends and only has a year left.

Would we be unreasonable to do this? Is it fair?
Would younger to be getting a massive advantage that oldest could resent?

OP posts:
Pinkrosesyellowroses · 15/07/2025 10:56

I think the best answer is to send the youngest to state primary as you did the older children and only move the one who’s struggling (going into year 4). Then, for your youngest child, address the deficits in the state primary education that you have now identified by, for example, hiring tutors and music teachers or joining them to sports clubs - which will set them up well for a private secondary school education.

BrentfordForever · 15/07/2025 10:54

Where is the unfairness if they oldest are in private secondary ?

is it cause they went to state for primary ? If you think that’s unfair be prepared for an entitled attitude coming your way soon!

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/07/2025 10:54

gotellsomeone · 15/07/2025 10:48

DS definitely needs to move schools, his needs are different.

what about our youngest though? no signs that she would struggle in state school. She’s bright and sociable and would probably do fine.

Show quote history

I don’t think it matters - if it makes your life easier to send the youngest to private school do that. If not, don’t.

I know people whose adult children are the most insufferable brats about ‘fairness’ and who gets what and how much. Me and my brother wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my parents chose to give something to one of us that the other didn’t receive.

Do what you think is best for each of them at any given point in time (within your means) and stamp on any complaints about anything not being fair if they come along. Your kids should all be grateful to have a loving home (not to mention that they are clearly very financially privileged vs an average child).

dontcomeatme · 15/07/2025 10:51

Equity not equality. Everyone's needs are different. It's fair to meet individual needs.

Fair? Dc and private school
Original poster
gotellsomeone · 15/07/2025 10:51

CopperWhite · 15/07/2025 10:46

As long as you can still afford support the older ones through university, I think it’s fine. The divide is based on need, and doesn’t only apply to the step child.

I guess this also an issue. They are both in lower secondary so haven’t really discussed uni yet other than we would support them. We would still be able to support them but I don’t know how much, and 2 more private school fees would obviously leave us with less money for dc in general.

OP posts:
Puddingpiper · 15/07/2025 10:49

if you are making the educated choice to put them somewhere they will be happier then fair is irrelevant. The better question (for me), is it fair to leave my child somewhere they are not happy when I know there is a better alternative?
Your youngest may be happier at state school all the way through - this is not yet a problem. One of the benefits of private is normally that they are open earlier or later allowing multiple drop offs.

Original poster
gotellsomeone · 15/07/2025 10:48

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/07/2025 10:44

What's 'fair' is that they all have parents who love them equally.

Would it be 'fair' to keep DS in a school he is struggling in when your older DC's didn't struggle in the same way?

They don't need to receive exactly the same for it to be 'fair'.

DS definitely needs to move schools, his needs are different.

what about our youngest though? no signs that she would struggle in state school. She’s bright and sociable and would probably do fine.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 15/07/2025 10:46

As long as you can still afford support the older ones through university, I think it’s fine. The divide is based on need, and doesn’t only apply to the step child.

Original poster
gotellsomeone · 15/07/2025 10:45

maybein2022 · 15/07/2025 10:42

Are the older children at state or private secondary?

They are at a private secondary. They went to state primary.

OP posts:
SENNeeds2 · 15/07/2025 10:44

Different children different choices
we have twins - one in private (Sen needs) the other in a local school who wanted to be in local school over private. He likes being able to walk to school / have local friends

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/07/2025 10:44

What's 'fair' is that they all have parents who love them equally.

Would it be 'fair' to keep DS in a school he is struggling in when your older DC's didn't struggle in the same way?

They don't need to receive exactly the same for it to be 'fair'.

maybein2022 · 15/07/2025 10:42

Are the older children at state or private secondary?

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