Fair? Dc and private school

Maybe OP is in Scotland where uni is free

This is why I'd start youngest in state. It doesn't sound like you really understand how expensive uni will be, you will need to provide a fair bit of support. It might be a sensitive issue if you can't support DSD at uni because you decided your youngest joint child deserved a better education.

@gotellsomeone

what i would do is move DS to the private school, get youngest to start at local school and see how she gets on.
if she is fine like her sisters she stays, if she isnt she moves like her brother.

fair is about recognising that each child different and needs different support system in place to reach full potential.

unfair would be to move all but DSD, or to support through uni for some and not others, etc.

move your son and dont give it a secind thought. I would say exactly that to the oldests.

So we are in a similar(ish) position. Older two did state primary and now private seniors. Youngest DC has moved to private this year. Few reasons, the primary school they all attended was going downhill, our finances are better than they were a couple of years ago and DC has some issues which his state school dismissed.

I sometimes feel guilty because I can see how much 'extra' youngest is getting compared to the older two during primary. He's also going to have an easier transition to seniors. I know on one level we've always done what's best within the circumstances for DC but that circumstances change so the kids won't always get exactly the same. It doesn't stop you feeling guilty but what can you do?

Yes put your son in private. But I don’t think that necessarily means the youngest needs to go private too unless the school run becomes problematic?
My older sister and I went to state school. My younger sister went to a private one. Didn’t matter at all to us.
But do consider how you are prepared to help your children should they go to university. I’m assuming your income is such that they will only get minimum maintenance loan, and if they aren’t living at home in most instances this will require you to financially contribute. My Dads uni halls were £10k, next year not far off as it’s 52 weeks. Plus food and other expenses. There are ways for the student to help: a gap year to save up for example. Do not rely on term time jobs as the course may not support this and competition is high, but summer jobs are usually available. Definitely something to think and plan fir now.

Agreed. Fairness is giving them each the school/situation they are happy in.

I agree. Don't keep an unhappy child in a school that's not working for them.

Imagine if you were absolutely miserable in a job, didn't get on with your co-workers, kept getting put on disciplinaries for things that didn't make sense to you and were fed the message the whole time that you were a problem and failing. What would you say if someone told you to stick it out for another 3 years?

I am always surprised when people think that "fairness" as amongst their children means giving them the exact same experiences in terms of education and family life. It's impossible. Life moves on, schools change, logistics get in the way. My younger child will have very different life experiences in many respects from my older one, just because our circumstances are different and our family life has evolved. Some better, some worse.

You can't make everything equal for your children. All you can do is try to make sure each child has a good education that suits their particular needs (with the resources available to you at the time) and that each child knows they are important, cherished and heard. I'm sure they will have their minor grievances when they're grown up, but all you can do is apologise and say you tried your best.

Maybe this comes from living in an urban area where there are lots of state schools and private schools, a Catholic school, a Church of England school and otherwise a boys and girls state senior option with a mixed sixth form on a different campus. Private schools are generally single sex - a highly (excessively imo) academic boys school, a highly academic girls school. Also a mixed private with a reputation for being nurturing and good for SEN. Grammar schools further out that we're just in catchment for, so some children are bussed or take the train to those. Primary catchments are tiny - the end of the street is too far for our nearest school, once religious priority has been taken into account. They've just removed sibling priority to prevent people getting one child in, moving and "shoe-horning" the rest in.

The result of this complete schools minefield is that it's rare around us for siblings to attend the same schools, at least after primary. A family with both boys and girls will almost certainly have kids at two schools, whether state or private. The boys secondary was terrible but is now on the up, the girls secondary was good but apparently now has bullying issues. Our neighbours have moved their older DD private because of this, but have kept the younger one there as she's happy. Other friends sent their older boy private, but the younger one wanted to go state with his friends so they're doing that. It's really not a big deal. If it suits you to have the two youngest at the same school, and the older ones won't be materially deprived by you paying the extra fees, then that's what works best for your family. And it's ok to hold your hands up and say "Hey! I'm the one running round facilitating all you lot. And actually my life will be a lot easier with one less school run."

It would be unfair to put one in private education and not the rest. School isn’t always fun and you need to exhaust options/talk to the teacher as moving him at this age will be very unsettling even if he’s not hugely happy at school at the moment.

If your DS3 would is struggling where he is and you can afford to move him, then it's worth doing. For your younger daughter, I wouldn't tear yourselves up about 'fairness' really. It sounds like the older girls had a good primary experience, and children inevitably won't have the exact same childhood when they're different ages - they'll live in different houses at different points, they'll have more or fewer older siblings to guide them and play with them, they'll have more or less of your sole time.

It would feel pedantic for your older children to be sensitive about who spent longer in private education, when you can explain that at each stage you made the choices you felt were best for each of your children. Also, it might be nice for your DS to not feel self-conscious about being the only one you felt needed private education at primary, and it's often easier to have the children at the same school (once the year 6 has finished primary). Ultimately though, it's up to you.

The point about support with university is a good one though - I'd try to budget to be able to get all of the children up to the maximum student maintenance loan amount at least. They won't necessarily need that much (e.g. if they work part time while studying) but on some courses the opportunities for paid work are limited due to class hours etc. so it's playing on the safe side a bit to know you can afford it.

Don’t torture yourself. What’s right for one might not be right for another. The school may have changed over time, too. Plus, what works for one has to work for the whole family: there’s no point having the two youngest in different schools in the name of “fairness” if one or both are constantly late or unable to do extra curricular stuff because of the logistics of having them in different places at the same time.

The key is how you talk to your children about this. Get it all straight in your heads and then explain it to them when/if the question comes up. It’ll only be an issue if you make it an issue. You are doing the best you can for each individual and for the collective. When there are five of them, each individual child will not get what they need at all points. That’s just life as one of 5.

The maintenance loans for university are worked out on parents income so to a certain extent you have to financially support them if they want to go. The minimum loan (if parental income is over 65k) is around 4.8k I think these days. Accommodation alone can be between 5-12k a year depending on uni. Even if your dc work alongside uni, I’d they only get the minimum loan it would be very difficult to do without parental financial support.

I would try moving the younger kids to different state schools first. Or just move DS to a private primary and start the younger dd off in a state school.

Sounds like the older 2 had a good primary school experience, so I don't see the issue. I'd probably move the younger 2 to private and subsequently start the youngest there too.

In reality I can't afford private school for even my one child, they generally look lovely though, so there are minimum negatives to them all going.

The thing with Ofsted the ranking ...
It doesn't give the full picture of a school.
Having lived in our area for 25 years it changes which schools outstanding and which is good on a regular basis.there is usually one needs improving too.
But generally the schools don't change much
Personally I would go and visit the state primarys you could get to ,and look to switch him there with your youngest daughter.
Totally agree private is best for secondary
But I don't think primary is worth the money,if it leaves less money for helping out at uni

It doesn't matter where your older kids are - every child has different needs, so if you think the private is more suitable for some of them and you can afford it, then you do it. It's nothing to do with the other kids if they are happy in their schools.
Adult kids always find a reason to resent you, no matter what you do. But they will all be in a private secondary, anyway, right? So they won't really have a right to moan.

Equity and equality are not the same thing - it's about need and how you can best meet the needs of a child who is struggling. Putting a price tag on that is not only unhelpful but also not representative of the impact that a private education could have in terms of improving your child's life and I say this as someone who dislikes the two tier system. Look around for alternatives for your struggling child - including state primary - and determine which you think will work best for him, knowing the issues he is experiencing and what he would need to feel happier and more comfortable. You can't put a price on that.

I'd try looking at a different state primary first

I think it would be fair in these circumstance. I’d give your DD2 the option of moving but can imagine she wouldn’t want to if she’s going into year 6.

If sending two children private is going to limit the financial choices of your older dcs then I would only send your son private, start your youngest at state and see how it pans out.

If sending two children private is going to limit the financial choices of your older dcs then I would only send your son private, start your youngest at state and see how it pans out.

Why can’t you keep DD4 in state until secondary which was your original plan or have you now discovered all would have benefited from private primary and now feel bad about keeping DD4 at state?

It's fine - you have given them an incredible start in life.