Friend simply won't stop messaging!

He isn’t taking the hint so either keep the friendship, mute his messages and respond as and when you are ready and don’t go on instagram if your not bothered.
or phase him out as a friend.

Is the guy single as it seems he may want to make a move at some point, otherwise why would a guy text so much. It is very odd behaviour for anyone to message someone multiple times a day, etc esp if they have been told not to.
Agree that you need to explicity spell out to him that you are blocking him as you're still dealing with your DH's death and estate and you will be in touch when convenient (that's if you want to retain the friendship, otherwise don't say the last bit). Block him on Instagram as well.

He could be neurodivergent and you're the target of his limerence or he sees you as a "favourite person". I know it's taboo on MN to even suggest that a man's behaviour could be due to ND rather than just being an asshole but from personal experience, unrelenting texts on banal things and the inability to accept hints to stop is a relatively common autistic trait. Sending someone links to videos they might like is called "pebbling" and also a very common ND behaviour. Know you're widowed now could also be a factor in their attempt to increase the level of contact but a regular male would obviously know that bombarding someone with hundreds of texts is certainly not going to lead to a relationship.

Over the years I've had fleeting contact with 3 men who behaved in exactly the same way. This was through a hobby that has a relatively high ND community and all three were 100% ASD/ADHD. They were genuinely nice and enjoyable to be with but also incredibly persistent over text and digital communication. Exactly like you wrote here, it was comparable to narcissistic stalker behaviour but the content was never malicious. It was more a case of not knowing how to read social cues or understanding the boundaries of adult communication.

In the end I had to block all of them. One attempted to contact me through every other social media platform I had but after blocking him everywhere, it did stop.

"Hi friend. I have repeatedly told you that I am burnt out and still grieving and your messages across multiple platforms feel like you're leaving breadcrumbs to get my attention. I find this really disrespectful of my situation. Please stop sending me messages and emails and videos, I will contact you when I am ready. If you can't respect my need for space I will have to claim it by ending this friendship."

If you do decide to message him again once more to state your position, rather than just blocking, be mindful of how you word it.

'Dear ..' - he will take that as an endearment, and assume.

'I'm sorry ...' that's female socialisation to be nice, be kind, placate, bla bla bla.

And we don't apologise for having or exerting our boundaries. This is a statement of intent.

'Please ...' Sounds like you're asking, begging, requesting a favour.

Strip out all the minimising, softening #bekind language. Imagine you're a solicitor.

Yes, you see him as a friend - but he sees you as something else and is disrespecting you. Friends don't do that, controllers do.

And there is a reason he doesn't appear to have any other friends.

Some men have a massive sense of entitlement and think that it’s a woman’s job to listen to them, whether that be their latest ache and pain, or their opinions on the A19. It’s our job to listen and nod. They need someone to sound off too. It’s your privilege to listen to them 😠

He didn’t do it whilst your DH was alive as you were busy with him. Now though he thinks he’s helped you out (supporting you in your early days of grief), he thinks you owe him, and that there’s now space in your life/ a spot going for him to have his needs met. He thinks he’s helped you, and he’s entitled to be indulged. I bet he’ll get nasty at some point.

I’ve had men in my life like this. I was once touring Australia in a Campervan and some man I worked with called me up to rant about work for an hour. I was young and polite and listened but that was the last time I ever did it. My dad tries to do it with me, but I make sure he’s on speakerphone in the car or I’m doing something productive whilst I practise my best Sybil Faulty.

Not sure what to do though. When I’m away I always tell people I’ll have no WiFi and I am uncontactable. Other than that I think only a new fictitious mystery man in your life who you are super busy with, will deter him.

Don’t say you’re having a sm detox - be very clear: Friend, you’re a dear friend but please stop texting me so frequently, I am finding it overwhelming and stressful. Once a week would be fine but no more - I am still dealing with a lot both practically and emotionally and I have no headspace for your level of contact. Thank you, I know you’ll understand.

Is he single? As others have said he may be eyeing you up as a possible partner in the future and this is him trying to prove he was there when you needed it most.

Just as an additional thought if the messages are really mundane. You can use broadcast lists on WhatsApp to send the same message to any number of people. I know some men who OLD who use these to send lots of messages to women through the day so they are thinking they are always on their mind, but it is just a tactic. Is it possible he has you on a broadcast list. You couldn't tell from the message but you can tell from the content.

My sister recently lost her little boy and a friend started doing the same thing. She got so many messages it was overwhelming, eventually he asked her out on a date. Less than 12 weeks after her son died, and had the audacity to become upset when she said not yet. I'd maybe message that you're having a technology detox and then block. But I know my sister hasn't blocked him, she's so vulnerable I worry he's going to take advantage of the state she's in. Please be careful, a lot of the time these 'nice' men are not what they seem x

He wants to get in your bank account or knickers or both.

As you have told his to desist and he isn’t it is actually harassment. I volunteered in a DV unit so this sort of thing was discussed.

You do not need this person as a friend.

You send a short, concise and clear message that he is not to contact you again, no sorry or explanation and then block him.

When my dad died my mum seemed to attract numerous men who seemed to think she was going to start making them shepherds pie and enjoying listening to their medical issues and thoughts on pot holes. It’s was really quite strange.

It’s like an entitlement thing. ‘Sheila has no husband anymore so she must need someone to tell her all about how the improvements on the A19 are unnecessary’.

I have a female friend who sends a lot of non-personalised messages which I found to be quite draining, mainly talking about her kids or sending pictures of them. I realised she was sending out to a broadcast list- maybe to initiate a conversation with whoever might respond. I found out because I asked a mutual friend who got the same. Could it possibly be that? But you did say the messages increased recently. Either way, it is verging on harassment and he isn’t being a good friend to you or taking any polite hints. Get mad!

If you completely ignore and block everything I suspect he will up the ante even more initially but eventually he'll get the message.

You could send a final message before blocking perhaps. But then you have to be completely consistent and not respond at all.

He's not being a good friend.
He either has an ulterior motive (romantic intentions) or is just very tone deaf, thoughtless and selfish. Or both.

I'm sorry he's not the friend he used to be or you thought he was. He's not listening to you or being considerate.

If you have a mutual friend you could try getting them to explain to him but I doubt that would work.

I think you have to accept the loss of the friendship.

The words you use to ask him to stop sending messages aren’t penetrating his understanding.
A polite request won’t do it OP. You can’t ignore that fact any longer.

You won’t want to hear this because you already have a mountain of admin and your awful grief to deal with and so an extra problem of harassment from somebody you thought to be a friend, is just too much for you to let in.

But, whatever his intention, this IS harassment and the thing is, if it ever got to the point of having to report it, you would need a paper trail of much more direct demands for him to stop harassing you.
Polite requests won’t cut it at all. They are a waste of your precious energy.

It isn’t your fault for feeling harassed by the overwhelming number of messages.
It is definitely his fault for continuing to send them.

It’s gone beyond ever going back to a ‘normal’ friendship.
He doesn’t respect you. He is only thinking of himself.
So while it isn’t your fault at all, you do still have to deal with the problem of making his harassment stop.
One final, very clear, factual, direct message without any emotion at all…..

Hello John.
I have taken advice about the mountain of messages you harass me with every day in spite of me telling you I can’t deal with them and that they add to my problems.
Your total disrespect and disregard for my wishes means I am now forced to block you on every platform until further notice.
Do not try to contact me again.
From Ssmontana.

I’m really sorry that you are having to deal with this problem at your very difficult time of grief.
Losing a friend in this way is so hard to face up to, especially under the circumstances. Wishing you the very best.

Just ignore most of them and only reply once every few days with one quick message. Say sorry, couldn't keep up with all your messages, and don't bother trying to. Hopefully he'll get the message in the end.

She doesn’t owe him a weekly phone call as a consolation prize for not wanting his messages!

This is how I’m reading it too. I’m sorry for your loss, you really don’t need this additional stress to deal with. I think at this stage you need to block him, for a period anyway

I haven't read all the messages...but wondering if he is interested in you and trying it on.

Could you text him telling him you've met someone and see if things change? If it calms right down that might give you a clue. Sorry for your loss.

email

Dear Friend

Whilst I appreciate our friendship the number of messages sent each day from you has now become a real problem with my well-being and would ask you to please stop. Could we instead have a phone call once a week to chat.

regards

This sounds horrible but are you sure hes not seeing £ signs and wants to get in your good books so you give him some money? Or try and be your next husband?

depending on how much you want him to be a friend, id just tell him hes blown it by not listening to you and spamming you and block him.

Hi (valued friend name)
As you know I am deep in grief and dealing with a great deal right now including the admin of my beloved's estate in two countries. It's a lot. I appreciate that your many messages are to remind me that I have other friends still here and to keep me focused. However, at the moment they are adding to my overwhelm and I simply need to save my energy for essential communications. I know you would hate to be adding to my stress levels so please could you slow down the messages and be aware that I will not be responding until I am back in the here and now. When I am feeling up to it we can meet and catch up. It won't be for a while though. Thanks for understanding

This is harassment.

You have set a clear boundary which he has ignored. He's making you feel uncomfortable.

He has some motivation to do this - this is unlikely to be healthy due to the obsessiveness and his lack of respect for boundaries.

I wouldn't actually be telling him that you are vulnerable/struggling because that will only serve to legitimise his behaviour as 'being concerned about you'.

Regardless of how much you value him, his behaviour raises red flags. And for this reason you really should consider blocking him.

It sounds like this person is looking at you & seeing the ££££ signs.
He's hanging on in there with the aim of becoming the next Mr @smmontana

I know you consider him a good friend & go back a long way but what is he bringing to the table right now?
In your shoes I'd tell him I'm disengaging from all communication & social media & block him. His reaction will be interesting...

Your focus needs to be on you & your needs, friends & family should be supportive not causing stress.

Summary: He's a potential cocklodger - beware.

How awful when you are grieving.
I think he has romantic ideas about you and the friendship is over.
The advice to send a text saying you are going off grid for the summer is good.
Block him completely.

A few years ago a grieving golf buddy mentioned how forward some of her husbands widowed friends were, she was appalled.
It was pointed out to her that she obviously was a nice prospect for them.