Friend simply won't stop messaging!

You are clearly a very nice person but I do think he's left you no other option now and you're going to have to stop being nice to him.

He isn't treating you kindly. He's ignoring your requests and trampling all over your boundaries. He may have been a good friend to you in the past but that's no longer the case. He's harassing you.

I can't imagine someone sending over 50 messages to a person that wasn't replying. It is so utterly bizarre and self important to send someone a stream of consciousness and have a one sided conversation with no input from the other person. Why on earth would you care what he'd eaten for breakfast? The man is an idiot!

He's treating you like his personal journal, a vessel into which he can pour whatever banal thing he thinks is worth saying and he clearly doesn't care that it is upsetting and overwhelming for you. I cannot see what he is bringing to your life other than stress and upset.

My immediate thought, like others is that he has designs on you. It really is the most likely explanation if his behaviour changed after your DH died.

Unfortunately I do think this friendship is over. He has killed it. I would therefore send him one final message and block him. If you feel bad about doing so tell yourself it doesn't have to be forever but I suspect you will feel much calmer without fielding his constant messages. Don't promise you'll be back in touch, don't enter into a conversation but just keep it simple.

"John, as you know this is a difficult time for me and I have a lot on my plate. I'm stepping back from all non-essential communications for now so I can focus on my own wellbeing. I'm sure that you understand."

Then block.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are being treated this way during such a difficult time.

This is not the behaviour of a friend. His actions are deeply concerning and I would be speaking to family and friends in real life and also reporting him to the police. Continuing contact after you’ve asked him to stop is likely to constitute a criminal offence of harassment. I hope they don’t but things could escalate further and I would want the police to be aware as early as possible.

Whatever friendship may have existed in the past, that friendship no longer exists due to his actions. Please don’t prioritise his feelings or desires over your right to feel and be psychologically and physically safe. You owe him nothing at this point.

I wish you the best and hope this gets resolved xxx

Honestly - just block him!

You are not pathetic at all, we are conditioned to be polite even when it hurts us. So sorry for your loss. Just a thought - does this guy think a relationship with you is a possibility now? That could be why he has upped the messaging to what seems a ridiculous level.

I'd print out/save/archive his messages in case it ever goes further then block him on everything.

Block him and tell him you’re not using social media or messenger right now.
Im so sorry, my first thought is he trying to fill your husband’s shoes.
Very self centred of him.
Take all the time you need, it’s not about him.

OP I had something similar when my DH died. A good friend of his was behaving in much the same way. It started with him kind of taking me under his wing so to speak. There were little acts of kindness and then he just kept popping up - phone calls several times a day, text messages, turning up unannounced. I did try to tell him kindly that it was too much and that I needed space to grieve and to take stock of what my life would be. It didn’t stop him and it was only when another of my DH’s friends intervened that I realised his intentions. The other friend had overheard him talking about how he was going to ‘step in’ when I was ready for another relationship, and it was clear he wasn’t expecting no for an answer. I cut it dead, and to be honest I think if your friend is the same way eventually this is what you will have to do too.

I agree with the above. You've tried being nice and its been completely ignored. He didn't get the message. The only route now is plain speaking that cannot be misinterpreted. No big apologies, no explaining of your circumstances ( that will only encourage more enquiries about whether this has improved). Send a very clear short message saying that the continuous volume of messages, when you've said you don't want that, is making you extremely uncomfortable and you are asking him once again to please stop. Don't dress it up with how are you's etc. It will feel rude, but its not being rude to be polite but clear.

I think saying you love or value him as a friend, or you'll contact him in due course etc.. to make it feel like less of a blow, is really just going to encourage him to continue and possibly to turn up at your house to plead with you in person.

You have to think of yourself in these circumstances. He isn't.
He is ignoring your wishes, pestering you and that is not just simply misguided. It is just harassment. His behaviour has crossed a line and you are not being mean to ensure that you don't have to put up with it. What an awful time in your life for someone who claimed to be a friend to treat you like this. You don't need this harrassment weighing you down at the moment.

Also. Tell your friends, so they know what is going on.

He’s either after your money or a relationship with you. Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable and stalkerish and you need to put a stop to it or contact the police.

I've seen this before @smmontana, male friends who've wanted to be more, his relentless messages are his way of trying to make sure you don't forget him. Basically when you're ready for another relationship he wants to make sure he's first in line.
I'd message him just once more and say you're not just busy, you're trying to grieve for your DH and he's making your life worse, not better, and destroying your friendship. Tell him his messages are unwelcome and you won't be reading any of them so he may as well stop.
I'm sorry he's been a valued friend until now Op but there are some men you can only be friends with when you're happily committed to someone else. I'm sorry for your loss

I dont agree that he’s going after OP because she’s a wealthy widow, theyve obviously been friends for a long time. I do agree though that he thinks he’s got his foot in the door and every message is an attempt to hold that door open.

maybe he’s always had a soft spot for OP, maybe he envied the relationship she had with her husband and would now like to grab that opportunity/relationship for himself.

Either way he’s not being your friend right now OP and is not listening to you at all, make a note of his number and then block him. Message him in a year…….

He sounds fucking unhinged, tell him it’s too much and see how he reacts.

Wise up - this man is after your inheritance - he has you earmarked as a vulnerable, wealthy widow and he is bombarding you to wear you down.

This man is not your friend - true friends do not behave like this. He has become a stalker and is continuing to trample over your boundaries. As others have said, send him a final ‘cease and desist’ message and then block him on all platforms.

If he continues to contact you - ie by post or turning up on your doorstep - then you need to contact the police. Tell a couple of trusted friends what has been going on - don’t keep this to yourself, and perhaps tell the police anyway.

I wouldn't encourage him at all. No phone calls, no msges, nothing.

I agree, it reminds me of two different exes of mine in my 20s when they were (separately) trying to persuade me to get back together .. the obstinacy of keeping asking and trying to persuade me was so bizarre, like if I'd relented why would you be happy to be with someone who'd been persuaded and browbeaten into it?! (Because they only cared about their own needs). Absolutely zero self awareness or empathy. Like your 'friend'. Not a friend. At best, he's completely clueless, ignorant and inappropriate. At worst, he's exploiting your vulnerability. I suspect it's the former, not the latter, but either way he's making things worse, not better. You need to be crystal clear that you want to be left alone. Don't say you're struggling because he'll interpret that as you needing his attention.

This isn’t a friend this is a stalker.

change your number and block him on SOcisl media.

I'd say I'm sorry but the amount of messages I'm receiving from you, and our communications are really stressful for me. I'll be in touch in a few months time, but I need a lot of breathing space at the moment. Than I would delete all messages without reading them so he knows you haven't and block him if he persists. It's really disresptful and I'd say, one step up from bordering on harassment.

I completely understand that you don't have the head space or emotional energy right now to address this issue, but you deserve better friendship than this harassment. There is nothing of 'value' in what you describe. You will feel so relieved when you block him.

If he didn't message you with similar regularity whilst your husband was still alive then I suspect that he now sees you as 'available'. The frequency of messages and seeming inability to respect your boundaries are both warning signs that seem to indicate an obsession.

You've done well in distancing yourself by muting these messages and not responding, but seemingly this isn't enough. You might have to tell him that if he doesn't desist, you'll have no option but to block.

I'm very sorry about your loss.

This man is doing you no good and it sounds like you will never be able to go back to whatever friendship you had before. That old relationship has gone. This one is now just one-sided harassment. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. 🤗

I agree with those who say 'don't say sorry/please/would you mind'. Men like this just hear it as weakness and encouragement. I think you need a firm 'Stop contacting me by any means. I will regard any further attempts to contact me as harassment and involve the police.' Then you will have this mail as evidence you have asked him to stop if it needs to go further.

If you have other friends who you trust, please get support from them.

Women do not 'owe' men attention, or being nice. We are allowed to be angry, to chose our friends, to change our minds, and our word should be final.

Thing is.. even this is still engagement and I think that will fuel it further

@smmontana I don’t think it will make the slightest of difference if you ask nicely or bluntly, whether you say to him he is upsetting you or making things harder.

to him this is nothing about you, it’s all about him. He’s not thinking of you at all in all of this, it’s all on his terms and now he’s harassing and stalking you.

there is literally no point in asking at all. Just block on everything and if need be change your number and move everything over to your new number and just leave him behind.

this is going to escalate. Start getting your head around the fact that you may have to involve the police.

people like him target people like you. You’re kind and friendly and give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

He's preying on you and harassing you now he sees you're vulnerable and financially interesting to him ... He's not a friend, he's a predator.

Block and move on.

It's draining isn't it?
I have had this with a so called friend before. It went on for months, and in the end i muted him and stopped replying to his texts at all yet he just kept going!
Months of him daily texting me and him just having this one sided conversation with himself.
Thank god he didn't know where i lived😞

I am sorry for your loss.

I think, very simply, he's got you to himself now (in his mind). Before, your husband was there as a barrier and someone he had to "share" you with. That would have tempered his behaviour towards you quite a bit. Now that your husband has sadly passed away, the obstacle has gone, and he wants all of your attention. This is not necessarily a romantic thing. But it is obsessive, and I would be telling him quite firmly to back off.

Harassing a recent widow isn't being nice or friendly. I think the problem is that because you think of him as a friend, you're excusing behaviour that you wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. I don't know why you would warn him, you've already set boundaries and he ignored them.

Overstepping boundaries. Someone like this needs to be kept at arm’s length. If that doesn’t work then you’ll have to go no contact. Any chink of light and they’re in there. Draining.