Friend simply won't stop messaging!

Not sure if they always thought I was 'an option' although both said they had always been attracted to me. But to be honest, any man who would do this is probably not very truthful so I did not take that too seriously.

I honestly think a lot of men approach relationships differently than women. Less about you being the right person, more about you being there right now. A few people said it was flattering that they had 'obviously pined after me for years'. It did not feel like that, just felt like they thought my guard was down and it was worth a chance. I am under no illusion I was their great love who got away. It felt like the height of disrespect, actually.

I have a lot of male friends, and in general, they seem to 'move on' after the end of a relationship much more quickly than my female friends.

I do think there is also an entitlement aspect. They have locked on to you as the person they are focused on and cant quite believe if you dont want to go along. Think of all the films and books about the persistent suitor who gets rewarded for it in the end.

As for how I am, thank you, I am touched that you asked. Vulnerable seems like such a over dramatic word compared to what you are dealing with. But I was struggling both times - the move back to the UK was disorienting and difficult and threw up obstacles I was not prepared for - and the last year of my mothers life was upsetting, exhausting and stressful - the pandemic meant all the carefully laid plans that had been made were out of the window. When she finally died, I dont think I have ever been so tired in my life - my health is only just recovering now and it is about 4 years later.

A lot of men have no insight into how demanding they are because they are not taught to think about other people in the same way women are. But as I said, each of these men felt predatory, and I would not have guessed it.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Please do yourself a favour - be crystal clear with him, tell him to stop and dont worry about his feelings and preserving the friendship. If he is a true friend he will accept your decision and back off. If he doesnt - that tells you everything you need to know.

Sending you support.

It’s probably as simple as your mate just sees the situation as your husband being out of the picture and you being single now.

So he probably felt he didn’t have a chance with you before but he does now.

I feel like you just need to be upfront and tell him.

Just say he sends you too many messages, you don’t want to receive them and you’re not interested in going on holiday with him. Don’t blame it on admin or bereavement or headspace or anything - as he will take that as in time, you’ll be receptive to the high level of contact.

Instead, you just need to be clear that the constant contact is too much regardless of your circumstances. If he apologises and changes, he values the friendship. If he gets huffy or continues, he doesn’t value the friendship. But that’s not on you for “ruining” the friendship.

If you feel like he’s romantically interested and trying to test your boundaries then even more reason to make it clear that you’re not interested

Simply, you have asked him to stop messaging you. He ignored that. And continues to ignore it. Why do you even want to be ‘friends’ with a person who has no respect for what you want ? Why do you believe it’s ok for him to continue to do what you have expressly asked him not to? Why do you not immediately just block him? Who taught you that women have to be ‘nice’ and just accept whatever men decide? These are serious questions …

I'm glad you told him straight about things. He's splitting hairs over whether it was a photo or text etc, it's still massively excessive, and unwanted and unwelcome.
Time to pull up that digital drawbridge. If he tries to find another way to contact you, I'd be getting the community police to have a word with him about misuse of telecoms and harassment. He might listen to them!

"I know youre reaching out so much because you know if had a hard time recently. And im grateful for your attempts to reach out. But I'm finding all your texts and videos overwhelming.

I dont want to fall out but I need some peace for it to clear my head. Please stop with the daily texts, its making me put pressure on myself even when you dont mean it that way"

But if he keeps ignoring you, this friendship may be over and thats not your fault

I have had a few periods in my life when I have been more vulnerable, once due to a solo move between countries in my 30s and once when a parent died when I was in my 50s.

Both times, married men I had known for a very long time, suddenly upped their communications with me. As we had long standing friendships, I did not think anything of it. After a little while, both suggested an affair.

I have lots of male friends. I have no problem having friendships which dont turn into romantic or sexual relationships. I am sure I was not giving any kind of signals to them.

I don't know if he is as predatory as that. But both were men I would have sworn were good guys. I was shocked and sick about it. I can only conclude that many men will try it on if they think they might get away with it.

Tell him you have always valued the friendship, dont ever see it as anything other than platonic, and say that you are very overwhelmed at the moment and need him to stop contacting you for a while. You will be back in touch when you are feeling more able to manage contact.

Then see what happens. He may be surprised and upset but if he is really a friend he should understand. If he gets defensive, nasty or argumentative, then it is predatory and he is pissed you are cutting him off.

I would block him OP - and if he pulls ever you up on it - say - “oh I just thought I was part of a large mailing list and was just one of a long list of people you were messaging “ - I think you can get away with this excuse due to the generic content you describe. Act faux innocent.

Dear OP,
Please tell him you will get in touch when you have finished grieving.
No timescale.
Then block him if he continues to contact you.
If he is a genuine friend with no hidden agenda he will respect your wishes & leave you alone until you make contact with him
Take care of yourself OP.

Is he after money? Trying to form a relationship with you a bit bizarre to be messaging that much per day.

Very simple.

Tell him outright to stop messaging you, if he carries on
Block him and Report to police as harassment

I definitely feel your pain here. I lost my teenage son 3 years ago and had a friend who had her own troubles and insisted on dragging me through the same/most recent installment every time I saw her. I felt I was just expected to have a bit of a cry and move on, something you know yourself.

My feeling from your post is that he is interested in you romantically and perhaps a little obsessively.

I think it's probably time to have a harsh word with him. Tell him as much as you like him as a friend you are not looking or remotely interested in any romance. You need to be honest that his obsession with texting etc is making you feel uneasy and a burden as you are just about getting through life as it is.

Failing that working I think you can only block him. You don't need anymore stress than what you're dealing with.

Good luck with everything x

This was my first thought!

Dear Fred. Piss off. Kind regards.

This sounds exhausting and incredibly stressful.

Why does he think it's ok to keep violating your boundaries? Imagine someone continuously slapping/poking/tickling you when you'd told them you don't like it and you want them to stop. You'd be bloody angry and within your rights to walk away from them and probably get a restraining order. This is no different. He's bordering on stalker-territory.

Dear Fred, whilst I really appreciated your support and kindness in those tremendously difficult early days after DH passed I am afraid things have rather changed. I am up to my eyeballs in extremely complex admin and, whilst I am dealing ok with it all, I simply do not have the bandwidth to cope with your incessant messaging. 57 since the weekend!! 82 last week!! I have asked you to tone it down but perhaps I wasn’t clear enough. You will have to stop messaging me so much. If you continue to contact me at anywhere near this level, I will block you everywhere. Please respect my request. My best friend in the world, Susan, checks in on my about once a fortnight and this feels about right for someone who I am very close to so you can see why 20+ in a day has left me feeling besieged. Yours, OP

Time to block this person. Verging on a stalker or unhinged

You need time, OP to heal and space to sort out the tax, admin, probate etc for your late husband.....I am also sorry for ypur loss.

So, your friend needs to respect your need for space and as he's not getting the message so, you could either tell him in a txt, speak to him by phone or block him.

ooh that's a good one. So he won't feel it's about him so hopefully won't get incensed or increase his efforts in protest. And if he's blocked anyhow he can't. Unless he buys another phone.

It sounds to me as if he's trying to get with you OP.

I would continue to ignore him and block if necessary, I don't think it's friendship that's on his mind.

His bombardments are designed to grind you down. If they weren’t, then he’d either 1) not be doing it in the first place or 2) have respected your wishes and toned it all down massively. Coupled with the fact he wasn’t like this when DH was alive, I’m pretty sure what his motive is. He believes you’re ‘available’ to him now and that he is entitled to take up this much space in your life. He is not a good man. Block.

He is way over the top with the number of messages and relentless seeking of your attention. This is much more than friendship or concern for a bereaved friend.

You can make it stop - but will probably have to be very clear and very firm. Even then - total blocking might be necessary.

Have you read the re-imagined version of The Twelve Days of Christmas? It is written from the point of view of the object of affection. (Someone in your position?)
It starts :
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes

It ends:

December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
*
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas

I'm so sorry for your loss of your DH. I can't imagine what you are going through even now.

I do know that you don't need this hassle. You don't need to even try to understand why he is persisting with it and has chosen to ignore your requests,

You've received some great responses above. Pick any one that resonates. Send it and then block with finality. You mentioned you tried before, but each time you engage, in whatever form, it is giving him a reward and encouragement to try just one more time. It is not working for you.

I expect you are feeling guilty about knocking him back due to the support he gave you in the past. There's no need to be. You've given him warnings and he has ignored. Blocking will be a consequence of not respecting your wishes.

You are not responsible for his feelings.

You have enough to deal with.