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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
KaydenJayden · 16/07/2025 08:41

Tcateh · 16/07/2025 06:39

He doesn't care what you want, only what he wants.

I think you should block him now but tell him first as I'd be concerned his behaviour would spiral if you just ghosted him.

Hope that makes sense?

What a twat. Yuck

I’m of a slightly different opinion I think telling him first might trigger him more id just ghost him

CoraPirbright · 16/07/2025 08:40

Duckbilledsplatterpuff is spot on!! What an arrogant, self-centred turd of a man!!

I think you should def tell some friends so they can support you.

How did you respond to his holiday suggestion? With disgusted fury, I hope?!

Goodadvice1980 · 16/07/2025 07:59

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

That was my exact thoughts as well!

eish · 16/07/2025 07:55

He didn’t seem to be listening. I would absolutely properly block him.

DrowningInSyrup · 16/07/2025 07:52

smmontana · 15/07/2025 21:42

Hi all. Thank you for all your responses. To answer some questions... no I have not ever had a romantic relationship with him. I was happily married, to be clear.

He sent me another message today asking if I was up for a vacation/holiday together, which was obviously a turn of events.

I snapped and told him to cease the messages and explained that 'he'd sent 58 messages in a week and 37 messages in the next 5 days.' He responded by saying 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin... but my admin is because my husband died... I don't feel like celebrating at all. If anything, I would quietly find a 'new normal' - and see more of my female friends. I certainly wouldn't seek out men to travel with!

I was quite shocked to say the least.

I was also shocked to see/hear of stories on here of men 'seeking out bereaved women'. Anyone who has endured grief knows that the first few years are really no time at all in the 'grief journey'. I'm so sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss. It really does change your life - and it also makes you see the best/worst in people.

Dump him, he's delusional, insensitive and he harasses women. At this point you need to block him. He is not a positive influence in your life and he wants more from you than you are willing to give. If he continues to try and contact you, get the police involved.

Tcateh · 16/07/2025 06:39

He doesn't care what you want, only what he wants.

I think you should block him now but tell him first as I'd be concerned his behaviour would spiral if you just ghosted him.

Hope that makes sense?

What a twat. Yuck

RawBloomers · 16/07/2025 05:25

I tend to agree that a man upping communication like this when you are vulnerable and not stepping back when you don’t reciprocate is most likely intending to propose something sexual, one way or another.

His actions in continuing to message you are not at all friendly or supportive, you are finding them stressful and harassing, but you still think of him as someone who is a good friend. I think this is a mistake. You need to adapt to the new information you’re getting from his new behaviour (as well as prioritising yourself more).

But if you aren’t prepared to block him, have you considered being much more upfront with him? Instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed and burnt out and just don’t have time at the moment.” Consider “I’ve told you all the messages are stressing me out, but you continue to send them. Why?”

Meeziemee · 16/07/2025 04:58

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

You value his friendship but does he value yours? Could it ge that he wants more than friendship?

You're not a wuss, you're grieving and dealing with admin practicalities, and he is not thinking about that at all.

It's OK to block him. You've been remarkably polite and patient.

sugarrosepetal · 16/07/2025 04:43

Dear xxxx

In reply to your most recent message, I have previously requested in a courteous manner that you stop all communication with me. At this point, I am no longer making a request; I am issuing a directive. Do not reach out to me in any manner, shape, or form. Should you fail to cease and desist immediately, I will have no choice but to report you to the authorities. Your conduct is not amicable; it is predatory. I have no desire to engage in conversation with you, nor do I wish to vacation with you. Please leave me in peace.

KaydenJayden · 16/07/2025 04:13

Ok OP so your latest holiday update suggests that he’s not. ax some posters suggested, contacting you as part of some sort of ‘generic list’ - hes singled you out in a personal way. Yes I’d block at this stage enough’s enough

CharityShopMensGlasses · 16/07/2025 02:35

smmontana · 15/07/2025 21:42

Hi all. Thank you for all your responses. To answer some questions... no I have not ever had a romantic relationship with him. I was happily married, to be clear.

He sent me another message today asking if I was up for a vacation/holiday together, which was obviously a turn of events.

I snapped and told him to cease the messages and explained that 'he'd sent 58 messages in a week and 37 messages in the next 5 days.' He responded by saying 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin... but my admin is because my husband died... I don't feel like celebrating at all. If anything, I would quietly find a 'new normal' - and see more of my female friends. I certainly wouldn't seek out men to travel with!

I was quite shocked to say the least.

I was also shocked to see/hear of stories on here of men 'seeking out bereaved women'. Anyone who has endured grief knows that the first few years are really no time at all in the 'grief journey'. I'm so sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss. It really does change your life - and it also makes you see the best/worst in people.

Yes sadly vulnerability very attractive to predators. He clearly is one with this blatant disregard for your wishes.
There are other reasons too, financially widows are thought of as in a good position.
Id distance yourself and protect yourself...he sounds like a stalker.

Takenoprisoner · 16/07/2025 01:42

dramalessllama · 15/07/2025 23:09

And it's at THIS point, blocking seems to be the only thing left to do. He completely bulldozed over you, ignoring your wishes and needs.

People change, and he doesn't sound like a very good friend to you anymore.

Yes, I don't understand why you wouldn't just block him at this point

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/07/2025 01:28

ps . Tell your close friends how he's behaved... and ask them to help you keep him at a distance.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/07/2025 01:26

After being told to stop messaging you and pointing out the excessive numbers of messages...

"He responded 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin."

My God. The sheer and utter arrogance of the man.

He has the actual gall to argue with your "definition" of what constitutes a message. Having established to his satisfaction that it isn't too many messages because you wrongly counted photos as messages, He's actually giving himself permission to carry on messaging you by saying that isn't he? he goes on to suggest a celebratory holiday "in the near future" That is just so utterly insulting and shows he has no interest in what you are feeling and what your wishes might be... only in coercing you to respond to his approaches, under the guise of so called friendship.

That's just push push push because he knows you are a kind and polite person and if he thinks if he goes on about it long enough you will cave so as not to be unkind.

HE IS AWFUL
He doesn't care about and brushes aside any inconvenient talk of grief. What an absolute pig.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this frightful limpet at a time like this.

I don't think there is any further point in communicating with him. He just wont get it. I'd be so angry at his intrusion on your thoughts and your personal space at a time like this.

"Please Stop messaging me, photos or otherwise.
I do not want to go on a "celebratory" holiday. Ever. "

And then block.

I hope you can resolve this soon and dislodge this mill stone from around your neck, so that you can have some space and peace. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Sending kind thoughts x

Devianinc · 15/07/2025 23:43

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

Yup

SpryCat · 15/07/2025 23:32

I always likened your ‘friend’s behaviour’ to, wolves circling round the vulnerable!
He is staking his claim, he wants to keep you so busy responding to his messages, as he fears you might get snapped up by someone else.
His idea of a holiday, isn’t of two friends getting away, he wants much more than just being a friend!
He is obsessively pursuing you under the guise of friendship, don’t let him in your home because he isn't to be trusted and could become forceful!
He isn’t the person you thought he was, he sounds unhinged and a stalker, you’ve told him not to message so much and he isn’t respecting your wishes.
Block him on your mobile, social media and see if you can block his emails.
I’m so sorry for your loss, the last thing you need is to be continually hassled and pursued by a predatory man.

InterestedBeing · 15/07/2025 23:24

Id tell him at the next message - stop contacting me or I'll block you. This is verging on harassment. Then block.

Gingercar · 15/07/2025 23:22

Snapping at him didn’t seem to even resonate with him. He’s not listening to her at all. Just banging on about what he thinks. Get rid. You really don’t need this shit. He might have been supportive initially but he’s negated that a million times now. He’s not a good friend. Imagine going on holiday with him. He’d probably suggest sharing a room next.

MeTooOverHere · 15/07/2025 23:15

smmontana · 15/07/2025 21:42

Hi all. Thank you for all your responses. To answer some questions... no I have not ever had a romantic relationship with him. I was happily married, to be clear.

He sent me another message today asking if I was up for a vacation/holiday together, which was obviously a turn of events.

I snapped and told him to cease the messages and explained that 'he'd sent 58 messages in a week and 37 messages in the next 5 days.' He responded by saying 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin... but my admin is because my husband died... I don't feel like celebrating at all. If anything, I would quietly find a 'new normal' - and see more of my female friends. I certainly wouldn't seek out men to travel with!

I was quite shocked to say the least.

I was also shocked to see/hear of stories on here of men 'seeking out bereaved women'. Anyone who has endured grief knows that the first few years are really no time at all in the 'grief journey'. I'm so sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss. It really does change your life - and it also makes you see the best/worst in people.

I'm so glad to hear you snapped at him! He is appalling. At least now you know he isn't clueless/socially awkward - he's just a predatory grifter.
My husband has been dead almost five years and I'd still not want any man chasing me. The gall of men assuming that there is now a 'vacancy' and he should be first in line to fill it. He can't have been a decent friend to your husband either.

dramalessllama · 15/07/2025 23:09

And it's at THIS point, blocking seems to be the only thing left to do. He completely bulldozed over you, ignoring your wishes and needs.

People change, and he doesn't sound like a very good friend to you anymore.

Gingercar · 15/07/2025 23:04

GreenCandleWax · 15/07/2025 22:27

Well I hope you are seeing the worst in him because what he is doing is completely disregarding you as a person, your feelings, your situation or anything else except what he wants to do. He is grossly insensitive to you, and predatory. Please cut him out of your life. Your feelings mean nothing to him, so don't worry about his. You have asked him to stop contact, he has ignored it. You will feel so free when you get rid.

Show quote history

I agree.

MeTooOverHere · 15/07/2025 23:04

PeapodMcgee · 15/07/2025 17:04

Dear Fred. Piss off. Kind regards.

Show quote history

This ^ Anything else will encourage him.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/07/2025 22:51

wow you told him point blank to stop and he just carried on about a holiday. He is beginning to sound a bit obsessive and unhinged!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/07/2025 22:34

Oh crap, @smmontana - just saw the update. The response tells you everything - you are wrong, he is not, time to move on, etc etc. It looks less like clueless and more like predatory.

Its so gross, isnt it. I am so sorry.

GreenCandleWax · 15/07/2025 22:27

smmontana · 15/07/2025 21:42

Hi all. Thank you for all your responses. To answer some questions... no I have not ever had a romantic relationship with him. I was happily married, to be clear.

He sent me another message today asking if I was up for a vacation/holiday together, which was obviously a turn of events.

I snapped and told him to cease the messages and explained that 'he'd sent 58 messages in a week and 37 messages in the next 5 days.' He responded by saying 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin... but my admin is because my husband died... I don't feel like celebrating at all. If anything, I would quietly find a 'new normal' - and see more of my female friends. I certainly wouldn't seek out men to travel with!

I was quite shocked to say the least.

I was also shocked to see/hear of stories on here of men 'seeking out bereaved women'. Anyone who has endured grief knows that the first few years are really no time at all in the 'grief journey'. I'm so sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss. It really does change your life - and it also makes you see the best/worst in people.

Well I hope you are seeing the worst in him because what he is doing is completely disregarding you as a person, your feelings, your situation or anything else except what he wants to do. He is grossly insensitive to you, and predatory. Please cut him out of your life. Your feelings mean nothing to him, so don't worry about his. You have asked him to stop contact, he has ignored it. You will feel so free when you get rid.