Friend simply won't stop messaging!

@smmontana
So glad you have blocked him.

So relieved to hear you’ve blocked him. You’ve done the right thing. I hope that’s all it takes, but be on your guard just in case.

This type get an idea into their head that "you'll do just fine" and can be scarily relentless in their pursuit.
It is really upsetting for the women they set their cap on.
Like they can so easily replace a much loved spouse.
Kind of unhinged to be honest.

How are you feeling now you've blocked him @smmontana ?

Hey op I’m glad you blocked him he obviously has never dealt with grief and if he has he’s even more ruder than I thought. Just do you look after yourself.

I kind of see where you’re coming from with this in your first paragraph but OTOH “get others involved” - in what exactly ? The OP blocked him it’s as if he wants to create drama out of nothing

...this......and then block him on every platform and block his phone number. If you have mutual friends , tell them what he's been doing before he tries to get at you via them.

It may be worth mentioning this to a mutual friend, in case he decides to get others involved. He seems the type to believe that he knows best and that you couldn't possibly have meant to block him, therefore you're having some sort of episode. Women eh!

As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you.

I'm very glad you've blocked him @smmontana he just wouldn't listen so you had little choice. I don't know how close he lives to you but I'd keep an eye on security, maybe get a ring door bell just in case he doesn't leave you alone.

He was good to me in my 'early days' of grief (it still feels like 'early days' in my 'grief journey' in truth) - but something has changed - and it is in tandem with a lot of awful admin I've got to do. He's really upped the ante. He genuinely wasn't like this before my DH died.

I think the clue to his behaviour is here sadly.

Very few men imho are good to people out of the kindness of their heart. He obviously had an agenda from the beginning and thinks he deserves his “pay” for helping you out in the early days op,

We are used to women friends being kind and doing favours for nothing when there is a family crisis. Unfortunately many men, with a few exceptions, don’t think this way. They think women “owe” them and that is why we are always at a disadvantage if we accept their help.

I am not saying you were wrong to do so op; this bloke has turned out to be predatory and exploitative, and you couldn’t have possibly known this early on, But please be very wary and on your guard from now on. If you are a good person, it’s natural to assume that everyone thinks along the same lines as you do, but there are some really ruthless self-interested people out there who are poised to take advantage of others.

It’s really shite and unfair that you are having to deal with this excuse of a human being when you are grieving, stressed and burdened by probate, but that’s the reality of it, so keep your eyes peeled and protect yourself in future, 💐

Be alert to your surroundings when you're out and keep your doors locked. This guy feels a lot of entitlement and so far, hasn't taken no for an answer.

Some people turn into vultures when there's the chance of money involved.

I am so pleased to read your update OP. Definitely the right decision. No one in your circumstances has headspace for that kind of behaviour. I am sure you will never regret it. I hope you get DH estate settled, and you can move on with your life. Good luck.

What a disgusting, insensitive vulture he is, OP. Good on you for blocking, and I hope you gain lovely peaceful friendships in future x

Phew. In time you'll be so glad you put yourself first. Well done. 😊

Ugh! Just reading about this man's behaviour makes my flesh crawl! How bloody dare he!! He may have been a "friend" in the past but that time is long gone and he is now trying to bully his way into your headspace and life.

I suggest a short final message that you do not want further communications from him of any kind and you will report any future harassment to the police.

You do not have to over-explain yourself and try to be nice. His obnoxious behaviour is hijacking your natural grieving process. The split second he tries to breach your clear instruction - and he probably will - it is vital not to respond to him but to contact the police.

In your shoes I would also show one of two close friends some evidence of what you have been enduring.

He's shown you what he is. Now's the time to comprehensively BLOCK.

He's trying to get his feet under your table.
Worse, I think he thinks he has the right to get his feet under your table.

You need to tell him to back the fuck off.

This man is not your friend. He's not.

And if he buys another 'phone just to contact OP, he's confirmed he's a stalker and further actions can be taken

A holiday?! That either he would expect you to pay for, or he would pay for and expect that to 'buy' his rights to a relationship with you... 🤢

So many men exert themselves to fake normal, human kindness to women, then expect sex in return - and when they don't get it, they whinge that 'woman don't like nice guys' - when they've been anything but...

You must be rethinking any show of kindness or support he's given to you in the past, wondering if he was just playing a long game... Even if it were genuine, it doesn't entitle to him to so much as a smile from you.

He suggested a holiday?!!!! This man is not your friend. He’s a predator who sees your bereavement as an opportunity. It’s devastating to discover that someone you thought was a friend would try to take advantage of you in your vulnerable state. What the hell is wrong with him?! For your own sake just block him. He’s crossed all lines of acceptableness. He doesn’t care that you feel overwhelmed by his messages, he doesn’t care about your grief, he doesn’t care about your stress from the admin, he only cares about what he might be able to get from you now that you’re “available“. He is not a nice guy and you owe him nothing. His behaviour is unforgivable. Just block him and refuse all future attempts at contact.

OP, have you had any counselling? There appears to be something in this relationship with him which is blocking your space to grieve and that is what you need to focus on. Imagine yourself looking back at this time in 10 years time as you see yourself trying to come to terms with this incredibly painful loss and do you want to see yourself trying to manage someone who has completely overstepped the boundaries? There is something about when people are grieving that makes other people behave in really odd ways I have found. But you aren't responsible for him and it is just too much so you need to act and stop the messages coming in. If he is a good friend he will hear this and step away. If he doesn't then the relationship isn't what you thought.

OP, look, you're still pussy-footing around him. You HAVE to make a strong decision. One way or another. This guy is either a cocklodger who sees the extra money and properties he can share in (the comment about going away for a celebration with you blatantly makes it seem like that) and who knows he then might try to bump you off (it has happened many times before, before you think my imagination is getting carried away), or he has always loved you and wanted you and is not even playing the long game anymore he is now going full steam ahead.

Or both.

Those are the only scenarios. There is really no other reason. He is after your money and/or you. His wanting to celebrate shows he does not have your best interests at heart and has no sympathy for your loss. It's all his gain, in his eyes. That, is not a friend..

You need to either cut him off 100% forever and end your friendship with him, or accept him into your life and possessions.

I think you need to send him one last message saying that you can no longer continue the friendship with him but wish him well, then block him on all medias.

Do you think he may have developed romantics feelings for you?

Now tat he move onto e-mail, you have an opportunity to create a response tat sets out your feelings and personal boundaries?

I am thinking you playback the behaviour whilst reinforcing that you want to remain friends and not cause offence but that you really need a break from the relentless messaging, you could then playback how many messages, through all of the different channels you have received and that its overwhelming you whilst you are dealing with all of the other admin. You can then say, you have set them to archive and may not reply to them at all.

FWIW I would also find that level of messaging massively OTT, even without the extra admin that you are managing, its intrusive and quite odd, almost compulsive behaviour that would be a red flag. You have nothing to lose by being quite blunt here.