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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 19/07/2025 22:24

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

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That’s very stalker ish. I’d send a final message telling h8m to stop messaging you or you’ll have to contact the police. Be serious, he is not overstepping, he’s CRASHING through your boundaries. Jeez.

LillyPJ · 19/07/2025 22:13

Whether he finds texts a burden or not is beside the point - you definitely do! And he should know that by now. Ignore all his messages and don't be afraid to report the harassment if necessary.

FloofyKat · 19/07/2025 22:09

I’d reply saying I have asked you repeatedly to stop contacting me. Any further contact from you will be regarded as harassment and reported to the police as such.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/07/2025 22:08

Respond and tell him you consider his actions harassment and any further communication will be reported to the police. If he replies report it online to the police so they have a record of it.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2025 22:07

Flixon · 19/07/2025 21:46

Honestly, I would report him to the police for harassment. You have made it 100% clear you do not want to hear from him. I’m so sorry you are going through this

This.

And do not apologise.

This is his actions and for him to be sorry not you.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/07/2025 22:06

Gingercar · 19/07/2025 22:04

I agree. He needs brutal honesty or he’ll just end up coming to the house or something.

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He does sound both unhinged and entitled enough to rock up to her front door, demanding that she engage with him.

I have seldom been so furious on someone else’s behalf!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 19/07/2025 22:05

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Oh, god, dont be sorry. We are here to support you.

As for him - fucking hell. What an asshole. I am so sorry. I hope that his fuckwittery makes you feel less guilty. He is really showing his colours. Whether it is predatory or clueless, the disregard for your feelings is astounding.

Gingercar · 19/07/2025 22:04

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/07/2025 22:03

You should probably ignore him, but I’d be telling this person to fuck off to the far side of fuck. What is wrong with him? How dare he?!

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I agree. He needs brutal honesty or he’ll just end up coming to the house or something.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/07/2025 22:03

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

You should probably ignore him, but I’d be telling this person to fuck off to the far side of fuck. What is wrong with him? How dare he?!

Breadcat24 · 19/07/2025 22:01

I am sorry
It looks like the person you thought a friend is a predatory creep
Absolutely horrible and not what you want to deal with now.
I know you have blocked him but if he sends a message again please respond clearly that you do not wish him to contact you
That way if he carries on you have a clear trail for the police

KaydenJayden · 19/07/2025 21:52

I really wouldn’t reply to his new emails or new email address OP

I find if you ignore it annoys them more

Doorwayss · 19/07/2025 21:52

You poor woman.
I think this is when you reach out to the police on 101 for guidance and support.
This absolutely is harrament.
What a horror of a man.

KaydenJayden · 19/07/2025 21:51

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Gosh OP I’m d so I sorry to hear this. I myself am having sn utterly shit day today so I can completely understand. Absolute twat.

I wouldn’t engage any more with him - he absolutely doesn’t deserve an explanation

WinnieTheWhat · 19/07/2025 21:49

Can you flag the email as spam and block? Don’t respond at all and continue to do this if he keeps changing email addresses. Hopefully he will get the message. If not, you may have to involve the police or get a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Flixon · 19/07/2025 21:46

Honestly, I would report him to the police for harassment. You have made it 100% clear you do not want to hear from him. I’m so sorry you are going through this

Sugargliderwombat · 19/07/2025 21:45

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Its a very special kind of low to make someone feel so much worse in their grief. A really awful thing to do, I have no advice but I'm so sorry you are being harassed like this.

Original poster
smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

TheDowagerLadyUrsula · 17/07/2025 07:55

I am so glad that you have blocked him. Don't feel a second of guilt for it. Do be prepared for the possibility that he might still try to contact you by other means. If he does then this is simply harassment and you can go to the police.

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

OP posts:
TheDowagerLadyUrsula · 17/07/2025 07:55

I am so glad that you have blocked him. Don't feel a second of guilt for it. Do be prepared for the possibility that he might still try to contact you by other means. If he does then this is simply harassment and you can go to the police.

WhereIsMyJumper · 17/07/2025 07:55

I’ve read all of your posts OP and just want to say I am angry on your behalf and I think you’ve handled this beautifully, especially because of the headspace you must be in right now.

That man is a walking red flag, he sees you as vulnerable and is trying to get to the front of the queue as he probably believes you will move on and be desperate to date him. I cannot stand people who ignore firm and fair boundaries. What a selfish man, only putting his own needs in the picture. I hope it doesn’t escalate in anyway and he takes the hint and leaves you alone!

Steelworks · 17/07/2025 07:42

Don’t feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and it just shows you’re a nice person. You’ve been very accommodating to him up to now, but you’re not responsible for him or his feelings. He’s a grown man and can look after himself, and you need to look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

CandidRaven · 17/07/2025 07:40

He sounds obsessed with you if I'm honest, has he ever given the impression he has a romantic interest in you? In all honesty I would end the friendship because it doesn't sound healthy for either of you, he is clearly desperate for your attention with all the messages, has he always been like this or is it just since your husband died? That's a red flag if so I feel like he is trying to be something more than a friend and obviously you don't feel the same way but him ignoring your request for peace means he doesn't actually care about how you feel and is only interested in what he wants which by the sounds of it is you

KaydenJayden · 17/07/2025 07:04

smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:10

Thanks for your post. I feel good, but guilty-ish. But I do think in time I'll know it was the right thing. It's weird that when my DH died, I still recall people in the 'early days' being unscrupulous - and looking back now, I feel like that time (even though it was obviously awful) was marred with so much unnecessary crap/drama from said people. I think I'll feel the same about this person. As in: 'I was suffering enough... I can't believe you added to it when all I needed was a friend.'

Thankfully, the majority of people were lovely.

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OP don’t feel guilty

I was in the camp of block without an explanation first because he’ll try and pick apart the explanation iyswim. He’s likely to feel affronted either way and would possibly express unhappiness and injustice but never mind OP - you’ve still done the right thing.

Thats the thing about people pleasing - realising some people will be offended because you won’t ‘go along with’ what they want but they’ll then back off, leave you alone and choose an easier target

Branster · 17/07/2025 05:39

I don't know about seeing the widow as available, more as a vulnerable target easy to manipulate under the guise of caring. For sex and/or money.
Just be careful of other men as well, men you already know.

Original poster
smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:12

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 16/07/2025 19:04

It may be worth mentioning this to a mutual friend, in case he decides to get others involved. He seems the type to believe that he knows best and that you couldn't possibly have meant to block him, therefore you're having some sort of episode. Women eh!

As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you.

"As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you."

It's so strange as I've read similar things to this few times on this post. It's really bizarre. I think they see you as 'available' now - but more than that I think (most; not all) men think of the situation as an 'opportunity'. It's always down to their own wants/needs.

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 17/07/2025 01:11

smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:10

Thanks for your post. I feel good, but guilty-ish. But I do think in time I'll know it was the right thing. It's weird that when my DH died, I still recall people in the 'early days' being unscrupulous - and looking back now, I feel like that time (even though it was obviously awful) was marred with so much unnecessary crap/drama from said people. I think I'll feel the same about this person. As in: 'I was suffering enough... I can't believe you added to it when all I needed was a friend.'

Thankfully, the majority of people were lovely.

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If he uses other methods to contact you, go straight to the police. Because it will be harassment. Best of luck.