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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
BonfireToffee · 20/07/2025 06:00

Nothing to add on top of the good advice you’ve had here, OP — just sending love and sharing my fury that you’re having to deal with this absolute shit on top of everything you’re already going through. Please take care of yourself x

Bettyfromlondon · 20/07/2025 05:52

Do not reply to him AT ALL. You have told him not to contact you and blocked him, only for him to try and barge through using a new email. Replying, and thus continuing to engage, resets the clock as far as the police are concerned.

You really must report this to the police now and insist they take it seriously. Today.

I hope you have one or two people in real life to confide in. You have experienced enough heartache without this twat trying to bully you.

ILoveBrum · 20/07/2025 02:18

Flixon · 19/07/2025 21:46

Honestly, I would report him to the police for harassment. You have made it 100% clear you do not want to hear from him. I’m so sorry you are going through this

This. Call 101 for advice and explain that he won’t stop despite being asked & then blocked. So sorry you’re going through this.

MeTooOverHere · 20/07/2025 00:41

Flixon · 19/07/2025 21:46

Honestly, I would report him to the police for harassment. You have made it 100% clear you do not want to hear from him. I’m so sorry you are going through this

THIS ^
1 He has gone to the trouble of using a new email address.
2 He's still trying to dismiss your argument re whether or not they are messages.
3 He's saying HE thinks they were not a burden to you, so clearly they weren't a burden no matter what you think or how you feel.

That is now Police territory and he has been stupid enough to provide you evidence in writing. Go to the police now and don't look back. No disputing it now, he is harassing you and you have told him to stop and he's finding new ways to get to you.
Please don't feel bad, he has stepped over too many lines.

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 20/07/2025 00:31

The link I posted was for the metropolitan police (London) and the national support organisations. Report it to the police for your area.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2025 00:28

OP. if you are worrying about the Police going round to his house to talk to him, that may not be the first step they take.
But letting them know and reporting it, means they will be able to advise you very clearly what to do next and perhaps give advice on security. And should further contact occur, they will already be briefed.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2025 00:28

How do you know this guy OP - ?? was he a friend of you and your husband or just you ? - clearly he can’t take a hint and fancies making a move on you - no indications before at all?? It’s sad that by doing this he will ruin a friendship .

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 20/07/2025 00:26

And if you are thinking ‘is this really harassment / is it really serious enough to report to the police’, the answer is yes to both.

The police are much better at this these days but you might still get a dud, so don’t let anyone tell you they can’t do anything or it’s not a police matter and fob you off.

Don’t downplay it when you report it (please report it). It’s not your fault and it’s not a misunderstanding.

The support organisations have a wealth of experience and they will understand what is happening, and support you.

TwistedWonder · 20/07/2025 00:14

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 00:08

I agree with this.

He sounds obsessive, and setting up an new email address because he knows you blocked him is nuts.

You should report it now, he doesn't deserve any further chances and you need to prioritise your own safety. Hopefully a visit from the police will knock some sense into him.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of your grief, what an absolute dickhead.

Show quote history

Agree with this. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. Hes harassing you and needs a visit from the police

Blocking him would make anyone vaguely decent realise they’ve crossed the line but this twat creates a new email just to argue with you that he’s right. What a fucking self obsessed prick

Please OP call the police and report him for harassment

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 00:08

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/07/2025 23:51

Im so sorry this creep is still bothering you.

And the tone in which he writes... Still arguing and trying to "prove" you wrong.
The pomposity of his tone too.. asynchronous means "not existing or occurring at the same time." Well I'd say over 50 texts in one week is certainly occuring at the same time. So he's an idiot as well.
Who on earth has the self importance to claim that they do not consider their messages a burden?

I think I read that you have already said clearly tohim to stop contacting you... so I wouldn't wait for a further missive. I'd report him right away.. You blocked the texts, he used email, you blocked the email, he used a new one.
Surely that is enough to ring the police and at least get the best individual advice from them on what to do next.
If you can't face reporting it yourself. Please tell a friend in real life to help.

Once you report, it will be done and dusted. Do you have access to berevment counselling? I think that you need a bit help and support as this must have added to your distress. So sorry OP. Hope things take a turn for the better soon x

I agree with this.

He sounds obsessive, and setting up an new email address because he knows you blocked him is nuts.

You should report it now, he doesn't deserve any further chances and you need to prioritise your own safety. Hopefully a visit from the police will knock some sense into him.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of your grief, what an absolute dickhead.

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 20/07/2025 00:06

OP please contact the national stalking helpline or one of the organisations on the website. Don’t wait.

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/stalking-harassment-support-organisations/#:~:text=National%20Stalking%20Helpline%20(0808%208020%20300)

You don’t have to message this man at all. He is not a friend. He knows what he’s doing and he is doing it anyway.

This is serious and no-one can deal with someone like this on their own, and you don’t have to. Please reach out for real help because you need support with this,

Takenoprisoner · 19/07/2025 23:56

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

You could message back to say 'well I consider your texts a burden, it doesn't matter what you think'.

Then just block his emails.

Or you could block without giving him any response, he sounds insufferably entitled and arrogant and would see any response as reward for his effort in contacting you.

Sweatybettyinthisheat · 19/07/2025 23:54

I would tell him again to stop contacting you, and if he does so again you will report him for harassment. And block.

He's no friend, and possibly moving into stalker territory.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/07/2025 23:51

Im so sorry this creep is still bothering you.

And the tone in which he writes... Still arguing and trying to "prove" you wrong.
The pomposity of his tone too.. asynchronous means "not existing or occurring at the same time." Well I'd say over 50 texts in one week is certainly occuring at the same time. So he's an idiot as well.
Who on earth has the self importance to claim that they do not consider their messages a burden?

I think I read that you have already said clearly tohim to stop contacting you... so I wouldn't wait for a further missive. I'd report him right away.. You blocked the texts, he used email, you blocked the email, he used a new one.
Surely that is enough to ring the police and at least get the best individual advice from them on what to do next.
If you can't face reporting it yourself. Please tell a friend in real life to help.

Once you report, it will be done and dusted. Do you have access to berevment counselling? I think that you need a bit help and support as this must have added to your distress. So sorry OP. Hope things take a turn for the better soon x

Barney16 · 19/07/2025 23:47

Ok so that's stalking. You have told him not to contact you, you have blocked him and now he has a new email address to circumvent that. I would report him to the police. If he tries something else report him again. Google one of the UK based stalking charities for advice/some support.

JFDIYOLO · 19/07/2025 23:34

It's absolutely clear, isn't it. He is going all out to get at you, for whatever reasons.

You've told him to stop messaging you - and he keeps doing it.

He's realised you've blocked him - and he makes a new email and carries on doing it.

You've told him how it makes you feel - and he dismissed it and basically denies doing what he's doing.

Might it be an idea to stop engaging with him in any way, and to get a solicitor letter telling him to stop?

And I would advise contacting the police and get a report number. They will then have a record of your fears at his hands.

www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 19/07/2025 23:25

Oh @smmontana this is beyond the pale. I just looked up stalking & harassment recording as there is an app but I can't remember the name of it. The important thing is to log every unwanted comm in one place, and also when you've told him to get lost.
Every police force seems to have a form and they all say to contact them even if you're not sure whether it's stalking and/or harassment.
New emails to get around your blocking him is persistent and he's clearly not going to give up. A visit from a stern police officer might be the only thing he will take any notice of.
Hope you are ok and you have someone in your offline world to support you too.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/07/2025 23:12

I can’t believe how selfish he is. All he cares about are his own needs and what wants.

I really would send one final message along the lines of - ‘I will not say this again: your contact is unwanted so do not contact me again in any way for any reason or I will report you to the police.’

Hope you’re okay.

Active13 · 19/07/2025 23:07

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/07/2025 22:49

I think I would reply stating explicitly that you don’t want any further contact from him. The fact that he got a new email address to get around you blocking him shows that he doesn’t care in the slightest about how you feel. He thinks you’re unjustified in your reaction to his behaviour and expects you to tell you how it is and you to back down. This is actually starting to sound quite worrying. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to hear from him, and he’s just refusing to hear it. If he continues to harass you after you’ve told him you don’t want to hear from him again I think you might want to consider going to the police.

Dear OP,
I agree with this post & the many others who are saying the same thing.
Email to say you do not want any contact from him....do not apologise or give a reason. Be very clear & concise in your message.
If you receive more messages please ignore them, do not respond & report it online or by phone to the Police with screenshot evidence of you telling him to leave you alone.
Also tell a friend or family if you have not already done so.

Stay strong & safe OP.

outerspacepotato · 19/07/2025 23:04

It's time to report him for harassment. You need to start a paper trail because he's escalating and you might need to get a restraining order.

Block the new email. No response. Block anything he contacts you with and get screenshots. He's a predatory nasty dude and unfortunately, you're going to have to keep your guard way up. He is not a friend. He is not safe. You said no and instead of listening, he's gone full Creep. Keep your doors locked. Be alert when you're out of the house and if you see him coming, be ready to call your police emergency number and record. Time to get security cameras if you don't have them now. Do you have a friend to contact in case of trouble?

SameDayNewName · 19/07/2025 22:55

What a horrid little man - thinking he can just badger and harass his way into your life.

I think if you can you should speak to someone irl - not to scare you, but he is starting to sound unhinged, nasty and obsessed to the point of bordering on dangerous.

So sorry you are still going through this! But proves you were right in beginning severing contact. When he's finally gone, it will be so freeing x

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/07/2025 22:49

I think I would reply stating explicitly that you don’t want any further contact from him. The fact that he got a new email address to get around you blocking him shows that he doesn’t care in the slightest about how you feel. He thinks you’re unjustified in your reaction to his behaviour and expects you to tell you how it is and you to back down. This is actually starting to sound quite worrying. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to hear from him, and he’s just refusing to hear it. If he continues to harass you after you’ve told him you don’t want to hear from him again I think you might want to consider going to the police.

TwoToots · 19/07/2025 22:42

Don’t feel sorry for coming back to your thread to talk or get support. There is always someone on here. MN can be an incredible resource.

⭐️autocorrect changed that to men can be such an incredible resource…I don’t know if I should Shock or Grin.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Pessismistic · 19/07/2025 22:40

Omg he’s awful & very selfish I really hope you don’t respond to him. If need be can someone you know and knows him have a word this isn’t on how he’s treating you it really isn’t. I’m sorry for your grief but he needs telling to fuck right off.

joliefolle · 19/07/2025 22:38

OP - I'm sorry if I've missed something but from reading your posts I can't see that you have told anyone about this. Is there a trusted person you can talk to? It's really good that you have this thread, do keep checking in here as and when you need but is there also someone in real life you can involve? A neighbour, a sibling, a colleague a friend? They don't have to be super close. Just someone sensible and reliable. It may feel silly but actually it's not - you need someone to sense check. No one is going to think this man is being reasonable and you unreasonable.

Keep blocking. No replying. Have a notebook that you keep in a drawer or a folder that you keep out of main view on your device. Note down an incident then shut the book away in the drawer or close the folder. Know that everyone here is supporting you too.