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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 14/07/2025 22:14

And I should have sent condolences as well.

I would be concerned that his behaviour following the loss of your husband is highly inappropriate. He is bombarding you with inane messages, not sending a kind message a couple of times a week asking how you are.

Pessismistic · 14/07/2025 22:14

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

Sorry you are going through this it’s a lot to deal with but you value your friendship but it doesn’t sound like he does yours. I would send him 1 message saying hi x I really cannot cope with your messages right now I’m going through hell and you’re not helping me. I am now asking you nicely please give me space and I will be in touch when I’m ready if he ignores you he doesn’t respect you and I would block him a real friend would hear you and leave you alone. Good luck with everything.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/07/2025 22:14

To cut to the point, does he fancy you? It’s the most likely reason I can think of for all this attention. You really do need to block him. It’s hard to accept that friendships can end. But it’s not the friendship it was. He used to be a good friend and was supportive, now he is literally harassing you and repeatedly ignoring your boundaries. He is a bad friend now. How anyone could ever think it’s okay to keep messaging someone like this at any time is beyond me, but to do it when you’re still trying to come to terms with your husband’s death is genuinely shocking. He’s a bad friend and you need to stop pandering to him. You said yourself, life is fragile, don’t waste any more of your precious life putting up with his shit.

SeaToSki · 14/07/2025 22:13

Do you think you would be able to text him and say you have decided to focus on moving through your grief and are going to be muting all non essential emails texts and other digital messages as you are finding them distracting you. Then say you are not sure how long it will take, so you will be back in touch with him when you are ready and you appreciate his patience

VikingLady · 14/07/2025 22:12

He’s trying it on. He’s showing very clearly that he doesn’t respect your boundaries or your grieving process, and now he’s making a move on you.

dontcomeatme · 14/07/2025 22:12

I'm sorry but how many unread messages? I have best friends I wouldn't message that often! Especially if they had asked for space. You need to accept you've lost the friendship and block his number and move on. He is either obsessive and/or stalkerish, or completely tone deaf to your situation, which isn't an excuse, a little empathy and compassion goes a long way.
I'm sorry for your loss OP, and the issues you're still dealing with.
This man isn't a friend.

Maray1967 · 14/07/2025 22:11

He’s selfish and thoughtless at best - obsessive at worst.

I would stop responding at all now. I wouldn’t want someone like this in my life. If you think you need to send one final message, then keep it short and firm.

‘I’ve told you that I’m not able to respond to your messages but you are sending more and more. I won’t be responding from now on.’

Leapintothelightning · 14/07/2025 22:11

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

This is exactly where my mind went!
I know you say you value his friendship and you don’t want to block him but I really think that is your only option.

Sunshine386 · 14/07/2025 22:11

I'm sorry to hear about your husband first of all.

It sounds very strange for a grown man. How old is this man, does he do this to other people or just you? How long have you known him? I wondered if its possibly that if it's just you he is doing this to, do you think he could be interested in you in a romantic way, or is that not likely?

It's very difficult because it could also be that he has some sort of mental health issues, without knowing him I can't say. I think some people also feel they are connecting with others with these type of messages and don't realise it's annoying. You've obviously said to stop though. Regardless, you've told him to stop so I wouldn't look at the messages

UhhhhhhhOK · 14/07/2025 22:10

Block. It’s causing more additional stress than necessary. Talk to him again when you are ready.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

Original poster
smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:08

WombatStewForTea · 14/07/2025 22:05

I value this person’s friendship

What exactly does he add to your life? He sounds incredibly self involved and tone deaf. Has he always been this way?

He wasn't always like this, believe it or not!

Since my husband died, he's upped the texts tenfold though. He was good to me in my 'early days' of grief (it still feels like 'early days' in my 'grief journey' in truth) - but something has changed - and it is in tandem with a lot of awful admin I've got to do. He's really upped the ante. He genuinely wasn't like this before my DH died.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 14/07/2025 22:07

He’s bordering on obsessive, how does a normal person have the time to text that often

WombatStewForTea · 14/07/2025 22:05

I value this person’s friendship

What exactly does he add to your life? He sounds incredibly self involved and tone deaf. Has he always been this way?

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