Friend simply won't stop messaging!

I think I would be happy to be absolutely blunt with him. I'd send a message "John what on earth do you think you're doing? Do you realise how many messages you're sending me? I am trying to deal with some really serious stuff here and I have asked you not to message me frequently. Last week you sent me X number of messages. The week before it was X number. The week before that X. It's driving me demented! You know I love you as a friend but you are not treating me well at the moment. I'm not sure what's going on but these constant messages have to stop."

smmontana you must prioritize yourself, not this man.

His behaviour is not normal and it is impacting you negatively. you've tried to tell him you need space. You do not owe him time, or attention, or an apology, or a promise to check back in on him. You are grieving, you owe yourself time and peace.

You need to deal with the man he is now, not the man he used to be.

You are being harassed.

His behaviour is far from normal, which suggests that he may not actually be able to stop. I am concerned that if you block him he might up the ante. You will need to block him but I think that you need to discuss it with people in real life first so that everyone knows exactly what is happening.

He's living in a bit of a fantasy world, where he pours out his heart to you because in his vision of you, you understand it, find it interesting, and love it. And, somewhere deep down, love him.

You must have been continually nice and approachable to him, and then the combination of your need in your grief and loss, and the situation of you now be alone, has on some level made him think he has a chance with you.

You can probably not answer him for a week and he'll keep sending the messages. You've made his life colourful and he wants to share it with you, even though you didn't intend to.

But he needs to understand that you don't want it. This is hard to get across.

Some people would indeed say block/be brutal.

But I understand what you mean about not wanting to lose the friendship/positivity towards you.

I have a similar situation, this guy messages me on average 20 times a day. It's gone on for over a year. I rarely respond. But he keeps going. And now it just feels like wallpaper. I don't even read it. Because I already know what it says. And because, like you, it has turned me right off.

HIs dynamo is running with this, and it's become his daily joy, so it'll take ages for him to pipe down, but he will, if you don't want to confront/offend him.

You have to not only not answer him, but also don't read his messages. You can turn off notifications just from him. Set the message thread in your archive rather than main chat (if possible). And let him carry on on his own. Don't read anything.

You might have to hold out for several weeks. Or longer. But if you don't read and don't answer, he will, eventually, even him, start to stop.

Having said all that, there is a safeguarding issue here and also you may not feel comfortable with that wind down approach, especially as he lives nearby.

Another option is send one message saying 'I'm so sorry, X, but I'm afraid I'm not up to messaging at all at the moment' and then stop reading/ replying.

Or you tell him super plain:
Please stop messaging me. It's too much.

And if he continues then you warn him then you have him stopped.

Take your pick.
But definitely cut any contribution on your part to the conversation.

I am really sorry. You so don't need this. It feels somehow sullying, I know. I don't like it either. But I feel it's most secure if they stop of their own accord.

Just try to block it out, even if you don't actually block.

Good luck with it xx

It doesn't matter if he was suicidal even, he isn't allowed to make you miserable. Don't give away your peace.

I absolutely agree with PPs that hes not being a good friend and to block and delete but given your updates ...

I would say 'Really sorry but I'm going to be taking some time to myself and going offline. I'll drop you a message when I'm ready to reconnect.' Then blcok him on everything. He won't know its just him youve blocked (not that I think you should feel any guilt!) and when / if youre ever ready then you can unblock and go back to 'normal'.

I'm so sorry about your husband ♥️

It doesn't really matter what this man's intentions are. Whether he fancies you or is trying to be a good friend or whatever, the fact is it's too much. You have already told him this and he is riding rough shod all over your boundaries.

Unfortunately the only thing left is to block him. You owe him no explanation. He may have been a good friend at one point but he's no longer that friend. I would also not see him again when you return. You owe him nothing.

I'm so sorry about your husband, all the best to you.

Now. This 'friend'. He's not the person he was, or who you thought he was.

His behaviour is utterly selfish under the guise of concern for you.

I think you'll find he starts making suggestions to you. He sees a vulnerable woman possibly with a very attractive inheritance just ready for snapping up and that is his way of cornering you and breaking down your defences. In your current grieving condition you are indeed vulnerable.

You don't need this. You need space and calm.

Yes. Block him. Everywhere. You've TOLD him you can't be having this level of persistence. But he's ignored you and bulldozed that boundary. What he wants, getting your attention, using up your energy, is for him the important thing.

Female socialisation to be kind, be nice, smile, accomodate - men will exploit this to their own ends.

Time to get on with your life and prioritise your own needs. Don't ask him again. Take action.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I really think this behaviour is now stalking and you should take some professional advise from the Police. He does sound unhinged. He is not a good friend, he is not being kind, he does not care. He is out of control.

Please talk to someone in real life, this is not at all acceptable.

Dear Bill,

Been to the GP because my nerves are frayed and I'm struggling I'm swamped with admin. Social media and everything else that the internet brings.

GP suggested that I shut down my accounts, for a period blocking all but essential correspondence relating to the estate. I'm reluctant to do this so am asking everyone voluntarily to stop contacting me at the present time.

Many thanks all of you for your love and prayers. I will get through this one day I hope.

Love

@smmontana

There you go a round robin letter he thinks has gone to everyone.

If that doesn't work then block.

Somebody's probably already said it, but does he fancy you?

He doesn’t sound like he’s adding anything to your life OP. I also think he is trying to take advantage of you because he thinks you are vulnerable and easy to manipulate as a result. Please be careful. Like others have said, I think he sees you as a wealthy widow he can take advantage of. Don’t feel under any pressure to engage with him. In fact if he carries on I would be tempted to ask him to stop sending you multiple messages every single day and tell him it’s adding to your stress load. Get the support of other friends in real life if he continues. It sounds like borderline stalking to be honest.

He's a stalker, just building up to it. Ignoring your boundaries and your clearly expressed lack of interest. It's not a good situation at all.

I’m so sorry about your husband. But fuck me that’s not normal in any situation! I can’t imagine in e texting anyone that much, not even DH when he’s in the office! Agree he’s seeing you as fair game, and to not stop when asked is just weird

This is really quite odd obsessive behaviour. He isn’t being kind to you, this isn’t supportive. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I do think you need to block this person. Even if just temporarily while you’re dealing with everything.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. My mum died unexpectedly in 2023 and I know absolutely how you feel about it still feeling like ‘the early days’. Sending love.

Thank you.
Another friend has said the same, but I feel so mean just ignoring him. He literally has noone 😏

“You are overwhelming and upsetting me at the most difficult time of my life. If you can’t back off when requested and respect where I am in my life right now you are not a good friend at all. I will be forced to block you to get some space but I would rather you simply listen and understand that all your messages are too much. Please stop, I won’t ask nicely again”

My first thought too!

Condolences, op.

Apologies if this has already been asked or stated but what is the content of these texts? Are they videos? Memes etc. Or are they texts that solicit engagement and answers from you. I am known for ignoring videos and Instagram stories etc. I only reply to some texts. Is it possible for you to ignore most of his texts?

Sounds a bit abusive, in the circumstances.
How much do you really value this "friendship".
I d block him on all platforms and never look back

I think you block or send straight to junk mail and never respond again, ever. If he gets no response or positive reinforcement I think he must stop eventually.

I read somewhere, or maybe it was a podcast that talked about regularly contacting a grieving friend, even if they didn’t reply just to let them know you’re there for them. I think it as about reassuring them that they didn’t need to respond until they were ready. Could he be trying to do something like that, but getting it wrong?

id send a message explaining that their messages were adding to your stress and that you know they’ll understand you need a break for a while and will be in touch when you’re ready.

LuckyManifestations

He's absolutely not your responsibility, and you're being used and abused too.

These types don't genuinely care about you, only about what they can get from you, they don't listen, you are just their sounding board. You don't have to put up with it.

I am very sorry for your loss OP and for the very difficult process you are going through.
Please please wise up and be on your guard. It is well known men try it on with widows for the opportunity of sex or money or both. Because of the vulnerability of the situation they paint themselves as some saviour, close caring friend, a shoulder to cry on etc but it's all an act for their benefit.
This guy has changed his behaviour because your DH is sadly no longer here, you lost a shield in a sense and there's potential for inheritance. He is stalking you, he is ignoring your requests, he is not listening to you, he is trying to wear you down to get himself an easy time. Don't trust him and don't tell him about your business with all this paperwork you are dealing with. Tell him very clearly you do not have time and energy for his communications and it must stop now. It is unwelcome. Put it in writing. Stop being nice. He is not being nice to you. He is suffocating and ignoring your wishes. Disengage from all communications afterwards. He really is only bringing trouble to you and you don't need this.
They'll be others coming along from your existing acquaintances or friends. Keep to yourself and only engage with your true friends and family you can trust.

Sorry for your loss, yeah this actually sounds creepy, a normal person would get the hint, do you have family op? He sounds like he's trying it on, please block him, he's not your friend he's a pest.