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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Daleksatemyshed · 13/08/2025 10:56

Well that's good news @smmontana . If he does try to creep back in you'll know what to do.

KaydenJayden · 13/08/2025 10:22

Glad he’s gone

labradormam · 13/08/2025 09:56

Hi @smmontanaglad to hear he’s back off.

I actually got quite angry reading your posts.

the entitlement from him is astounding.

how do you know him? How long have you know him? Did your husband know him? Has he always been single? I can’t imagine somebody putting up with him to be honest.

his lack of self awareness is astounding.

going on holiday together to “celebrate” the end of your admin. Wow.

trying to tell you that sending photos doesn’t count as sending messages. Basically telling you how to fell.

im getting pissed off again. I’d love to tell him to fuck right off.

Canicule · 13/08/2025 09:38

Great news @smmontana long may it last!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/08/2025 09:29

That’s a great update. Hopefully it will stay that way.

SameDayNewName · 12/08/2025 21:37

That's great news OP! You stood up to him and showed him you won't be bullied, so my money would be on him leaving you alone.

Even if he does get back in contact, I'm sure the break from the nonsense, will have left you feeling more confident to tell him to get lost!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 12/08/2025 20:45

I'm glad things have quietened down for you @smmontana

Original poster
smmontana · 12/08/2025 20:28

ThatBlackCat · 29/07/2025 14:38

How are you @smmontana ?

Hi all,

Just to let you all know, he backed off. Haven't heard from him in a few weeks now. Hopefully that's the end of that. My cynical side says 'no' - my hopeful side says 'yes'.

Thank you to all of you for your support. 🤗

OP posts:
ThatBlackCat · 29/07/2025 14:38

How are you @smmontana ?

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 23:16

Are you OK, OP? There are a lot of us out here thinking of you and hoping you have been able to get rid of the attentions of this vile stalker who is preying on you while you are vulnerable from grief. Apart from the threat he presents (really), he is invadin g your mind and soul space at the very time you should have it to yourself to grieve. Its unforgiveable. Hoping all is well with you and you are at peace without this constant onslaught. 🌺

Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2025 19:55

This is harassment. He is doing this to you and he knows the affect it is having. please do not engage with him. Please speak to the police or national Stalking Helpline. Whether he says he considers his texts or emails a burden or not is irrelevant. He is behaving appallingly.

You have told him.

Please get help. And again, I am so sorry.

MeTooOverHere · 20/07/2025 22:50

CleanQueen123 · 20/07/2025 19:20

I'd be sending the police round. You've told him clearly, more than once that his communication is unwanted and still he persists.

Even if he was initially well meaning (I don't think he was but we'll try benefit of the doubt) anyone with a shred of decency would've backed right off as soon as you'd asked and been hugely apologetic.

Unfortunately, as others have said, I think he has other motives.

Show quote history

anyone with a shred of decency would've ... been hugely apologetic.

THIS ^

Has he apologised at any stage?

Soulfulunfurling · 20/07/2025 20:11

Op, looking at your case entirely neutrally this has now tipped into the threshold of stalking which is a very serious offence.

Do not reply.
Contact the police and explain your circumstances and what has happened. He will be cautioned, and if he continues he will be charged.

This man is not your friend.

You must take this very seriously.

Do not answer the door if he turns up or tries to contact you in other ways. I know you are upset, but now you can see clearly what he is doing you can move to protect yourself more fully.

CleanQueen123 · 20/07/2025 19:20

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

I'd be sending the police round. You've told him clearly, more than once that his communication is unwanted and still he persists.

Even if he was initially well meaning (I don't think he was but we'll try benefit of the doubt) anyone with a shred of decency would've backed right off as soon as you'd asked and been hugely apologetic.

Unfortunately, as others have said, I think he has other motives.

HornungTheHelpful · 20/07/2025 19:05

He wants to fuck you and he is a drama llama. I had a colleague, who became a friend, who became nothing because he pursued me relentlessly. I eventually cut him loose when he texted me “we will consummate our love” 🤢 It was horrendous, he interpreted my politeness and ignoring come-ons as being interested. With no justification at all.

It makes me angry just thinking about it. I thought he was a mate but he was just a dirty bloke who wanted some bloody drama. Not from me.

Cut him loose

Edited to clarify - he did all this over text. He felt up another colleague which was, for me, a massive fucking relief because everyone knew what he was and I could finally say something

CoraPirbright · 20/07/2025 18:55

What a cunt!! I would now go to the police and press charges for stalking and harassment. Push it to the fullest extent you can - he needs revealing as the most revolting, sleazy vulture and everyone should know.

JFDIYOLO · 20/07/2025 15:41

Don't contact him. Don't engage with him personally at all. Don't get involved in to and fro, argument, discussion, debate.

This is what he WANTS - your attention, your headspace, your time. And he is bombarding you with attempts to get it and bulldozing your attempts to get away.

Forget any but he's still a friend, he's lonely, I feel sorry for him thoughts.

This is obsession.

This can become dangerous.

Police time.

Your posts here will be useful content for your statement.

All best, please keep us posted.

Wreckinball · 20/07/2025 14:28

OP he’s just confirmed he’s a bulldozer, is coming for you, gaslighting you and doesn’t care what you think.
You can’t stop him, but the police can.
You must report him.
You poor thing you have done nothing wrong here at all
Let the professionals sort him out

WhereIsMyJumper · 20/07/2025 13:44

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

What an absolute creep!!
How dare he! He thinks he can decide on YOUR behalf what YOU perceive as a burden??
The arrogance of it makes me seethe. It is down to you and you alone to decide what you are and aren’t willing to put up with in terms of communication and you told him so and now he is sending you emails from a different email address to argue the toss?
Do not reply, block this email address too.
Or, if you must reply, saying something like “I am asking you again not to contact me. Any further contact is therefore deemed harassment and will warrant police involvement”

ETA: Sorry, I have just seen that you’ve already done that in which case, straight to the police. My apologies x

TheDowagerLadyUrsula · 20/07/2025 13:28

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Please don’t apologise, OP.

This is now harassment. Please report him to the police. They will take you seriously. Flowers

namechangeaaargh · 20/07/2025 11:06

Yes, police and don't engage further with him. OP's already told him to stop - it's been harassment for quite a while now.

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 09:48

SamiSnail · 20/07/2025 08:21

Have you actually told him you are ceasing the friendship and want no further contact with him, or just blocked him?

You need to send him one last email telling him you will no longer continue and friendship with him, that you want him to stop contacting you, that you see this as harassment and if he contacts you again you will go to the police. That way he is informed both that; you see it as harassment, and if he continues you will contact the police.

Show quote history

OP said she told him to cease the incessant messages, he then came back arguing with her. He knows she blocked him and is contacting her through a new email address to get around that.

She does not have to contact him again. This is clearly harassment and it's time to report it to the police.

SamiSnail · 20/07/2025 08:21

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Have you actually told him you are ceasing the friendship and want no further contact with him, or just blocked him?

You need to send him one last email telling him you will no longer continue and friendship with him, that you want him to stop contacting you, that you see this as harassment and if he contacts you again you will go to the police. That way he is informed both that; you see it as harassment, and if he continues you will contact the police.

Busted2006 · 20/07/2025 07:39

so sorry for your loss op, this guy is a creep. please contact the police he is harrassing you

DrowningInSyrup · 20/07/2025 07:22

This is definitely harassment. I'd contact the police so you have a crime number. Is there someone you can trust that you can tell? If it was me I would probably get a friend, preferably male, with this kind of predator it will carry more weight, and get them to have a word with him. Something along the lines of, she has clearly stated she no longer wants to be contact so please desist. If he blusters or continues then he can be informed that the police have been informed and will be continuously be updated. Hopefully they can give him a warning. So sorry that you are going through this.