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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut contact with db for this?

86 replies

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 20:28

Name changed as this is very identifying. My brother has always been a nasty character. Aggressive, will deliberately goad people and then shout at them. He’s paranoid and it’s easy to say the wrong thing around him. He’s a trained MMA fighter and physically intimidating. He also hates women and at a family meal he started expressing his support for Andrew Tate. I had to challenge that as my 15 year old ds was there and then he turned verbally abusive, accusing me of being jealous of our other brother and saying how his girlfriend was an excellent mother and a good woman because she’s softly spoken and doesn’t work.
He did apologise for this incident and although I kept him at arms length, I decided to still see him at family occasions to keep the peace, but keep my distance.
Then last weekend I went to a family friend’s party. I didn’t actually know my brother was going to be there but he drove my mum and her friend there. On the journey over he was accusing my mum of looking at a man out of the window!
I brought my lovely friend to the party and I was just ordering a drink at the bar when I realised my friend was chatting to my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend brought up the fact that she wanted to get married and my brother said that all married women cheat. My friend challenged this and said she was happily married. My brother then shouted at her ‘you’re ugly and I bet your husband is too!’
I heard this exchange and was obviously horrified. Everyone is frightened of my brother and so we moved away from him. About 5 minutes later he came storming over and shouted ‘don’t you disrespect me’ and poured a full glass of Prosecco over my friend’s head!
We spoke to the bar staff and got him thrown out and my friend rang the police to log what had happened. We left the party together and I’ve told my mum I never want to see my brother again - weddings, funerals, anything. If he’s there - I can’t be.

It transpired after that for some reason he was allowed back into the party and was calling my mum’s friend a ‘slapper’ because she was having fun and dancing. He clearly hates women. I’m quite shaken and upset for my friend and I’ve told my mum she needs to get away from him too.

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Robin67 · 15/07/2025 11:42

This sounds terrifying. Unless you believe that doing so would put his girlfriend or the children in harm's way, you should also consider informing social services that a violent and mentally unstable misogynist has access to small children. They sound like they are in a very vulnerable and precarious situation.

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 09:49

My boy doesn’t see much of him and isn’t influenced by him at all - he won’t see him again. My son is a lovely, kind young man who was playing love songs on his guitar when I got home.

His dad, my stepdad, is in his life but he’s been away visiting family abroad. He is also bullied by his son though and can’t control him either.

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JMSA · 15/07/2025 09:17

You poor thing, I wouldn’t blame you for cutting him out AT ALL. Hope your friend is ok too.
OP, I take it there’s no father figure in his life?

JLou08 · 15/07/2025 09:13

Wow. He sounds vile. I'm not usually in support if cutting contact but I'd have no reservations about cutting him out. I hope he is soon rotting in a jail cell. If he treats women like this in public who are not tied to him in anyway I dread to think how he would treat a vulnerable woman in private.
That vile brother of yours sounds a bigger danger to your DS than Andrew Tate, having the real thing as an actual role model in real life will be much more influential. I'm actually surprised anyone at all wants contact with him. I'd be utterly disgusted if that was my son.

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 09:05

Yes I worry about my mum too.

He returned to the party with no awareness, shame or remorse from the sounds of it.

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Usernamenope · 14/07/2025 22:24

So sorry this happened to you and your friend OP. Definitely cut contact and get the police involved if he ever threatens you or someone you know. Keep a record of these incidents with dates too. We often forgive siblings having grown up with them, but it is no different to anyone being abusive. You distance yourself from them and keep strict boundaries.

I worry about your mum. If he is heavily involved in her life then it sounds like she is a victim of his abuse too. It seems he could be potentially violent. You will need to keep checking in on her and as mentioned, log his behaviour. He sounds dangerous.

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 22:15

Hopefully the rest of them will be able to stand up to him soon.

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Catladywithoutacat · 14/07/2025 22:13

I cut off my brother for similar things nobody in my family talks to him

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 22:11

There’s nothing I can do. I’m missing my niece’s christening and our other brother’s wedding because of this. I couldn’t trust him not to do this again.

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Studyunder · 14/07/2025 21:48

I’d avoid him at all costs. Saying that, why should you and your children miss out because of him? What a shituation 😢
I really hope karma gets him!

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 21:31

I don’t think I can give his gf the number for women’s aid without potentially putting myself in danger honestly. For the same reason I can’t help him to get therapy. He’s beyond my help.

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Dontlletmedownbruce · 14/07/2025 21:28

He sounds awful and in serious need of some therapy or medication. It's men like this I worry about, unhinged and scary and because they don't get help they escalate. Yet no one understandably wants to help them so they carry on and become a serious threat. If there is any way you can get him some professional help OP pls try!

I can't understand the GF at all, she must be as bad as him, or in fear of leaving. For her sake if you think it's the latter is there any way you could pass her your number or tell her to contact women's aid or something, help her to leave him.

MathNotMathing · 14/07/2025 21:20

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Motherofalittledragon · 14/07/2025 21:16

Christ I’d cut contact, what a horrid, horrid man.
he brings no benefit to your life or nothing positive, nah leave him to rot.

Victoriawould24 · 14/07/2025 21:11

TBH I suppose it’s not your concern what the reason is or the possible consequences you just keep him as far away from you and your children as possible.

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 21:09

I feel so awful for my friend too. At least she knew I totally supported her. But I felt awful - responsible- even though I hadn’t known he was going to be there.

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TomatoSandwiches · 14/07/2025 21:06

Im pretty sure if he poured a glass of wine over a police officer they'd arrest him so make sure you don't get fobbed off, he assaulted your friend op.

Thelnebriati · 14/07/2025 21:05

YANBU, he has escalated from being verbally abusive and intimidating to physical abuse.

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 21:02

He doesn’t look like he is and he’s not fighting anymore so not sure. It did cross my mind but if anything he’s put weight on and looks quite flabby and out of condition.

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Bikergran · 14/07/2025 21:01

Is he on steroids? Very common in these big blokes. Messes with your head, "steroid rage".

Tudorduxbury · 14/07/2025 21:01

Roid rage

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 21:00

I don’t think he takes cocaine. He doesn’t drink alcohol either. Steroids - maybe but his body is quite out of condition so it doesn’t look like he is. He’s always had explosive rages from his teens, but they are getting worse.

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Victoriawould24 · 14/07/2025 20:57

Is he taking steroids/ heavy cocaine use or has he always been like this ?

You are absolutely right to cut all contact regardless of the reason behind his vile abusive behaviour.

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 20:53

I did consider steroids but he’s quite out of condition lately and has put quite a bit of weight on (not muscle).

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Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 20:53

Yes he has an incredibly fragile ego.

He’s late 30s and gf is early 20s with two little ones and no qualifications. She relies on him for everything. I do worry for her.

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