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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut contact with db for this?

86 replies

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 20:28

Name changed as this is very identifying. My brother has always been a nasty character. Aggressive, will deliberately goad people and then shout at them. He’s paranoid and it’s easy to say the wrong thing around him. He’s a trained MMA fighter and physically intimidating. He also hates women and at a family meal he started expressing his support for Andrew Tate. I had to challenge that as my 15 year old ds was there and then he turned verbally abusive, accusing me of being jealous of our other brother and saying how his girlfriend was an excellent mother and a good woman because she’s softly spoken and doesn’t work.
He did apologise for this incident and although I kept him at arms length, I decided to still see him at family occasions to keep the peace, but keep my distance.
Then last weekend I went to a family friend’s party. I didn’t actually know my brother was going to be there but he drove my mum and her friend there. On the journey over he was accusing my mum of looking at a man out of the window!
I brought my lovely friend to the party and I was just ordering a drink at the bar when I realised my friend was chatting to my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend brought up the fact that she wanted to get married and my brother said that all married women cheat. My friend challenged this and said she was happily married. My brother then shouted at her ‘you’re ugly and I bet your husband is too!’
I heard this exchange and was obviously horrified. Everyone is frightened of my brother and so we moved away from him. About 5 minutes later he came storming over and shouted ‘don’t you disrespect me’ and poured a full glass of Prosecco over my friend’s head!
We spoke to the bar staff and got him thrown out and my friend rang the police to log what had happened. We left the party together and I’ve told my mum I never want to see my brother again - weddings, funerals, anything. If he’s there - I can’t be.

It transpired after that for some reason he was allowed back into the party and was calling my mum’s friend a ‘slapper’ because she was having fun and dancing. He clearly hates women. I’m quite shaken and upset for my friend and I’ve told my mum she needs to get away from him too.

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ParmaVioletTea · 16/07/2025 21:02

Sounds like he’s taking steroids. I once belonged to a gym that had a bit of a steroid culture amongst a minority of the men but the roid rage was obvious a couple of times. The steroid induced emotional dysfunction of rage can flare really quickly, seemingly out of nowhere.

Letstheriveranswer · 16/07/2025 21:01

If you know of any abuse or coercion against his gf, including isolating her from her mum, you could report that to the police and I think it could form part of the intel for a future Claires Law request.

Fatsnowflake · 16/07/2025 20:53

I think they are frightened. I think for my mum - it’s her son. They probably know more than me about what he’s capable of too.

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allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/07/2025 20:51

@Fatsnowflake That makes them victims, rather than snowflakes. OK that was totally the wrong word to use. I meant to say idiots!! why are they tolerating this shit??

Fatsnowflake · 16/07/2025 20:48

I can’t take out a restraining order without clear evidence of harassment against me. I can’t do it based on one incident against my friend. I will do if I need to - absolutely. I won’t be inviting him to events or attending where he’s present. And yes, I think other family members are terrified of him and I suspect with good reason. That makes them victims, rather than snowflakes.

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allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/07/2025 20:44

@Fatsnowflake forget this therapy and counselling shit!! why has no one had him charged????? you all sound like terrified snowflakes!! or at least taken out interdicts to keep him away from you all and who are the idiots who keep inviting him to family functions??

Fatsnowflake · 16/07/2025 20:12

Ponderingwindow · 16/07/2025 19:38

He crossed the line into physical conflict, it’s time to cut contact. That has consequences for you and your family, but it can’t be avoided.

some day, the girlfriend is going to need to take those children and run. If you and your family can afford to start setting aside a tiny bit of money now and then, it could help her escape either literally or just legally.

I have my own family to care for and she does have her mum. I can’t get involved with helping her escape - especially if she isn’t admitting anything is wrong. Social services aren’t going to act on a report that he threw a drink on my friend and my family aren’t currently willing to speak out. I’ll continue to put pressure on them to cut him off/speak out - but my absolute priority is always going to be my children.

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time4anothername · 16/07/2025 19:47

yanbu. He sounds very dangerous. His adrenals could be messed up from previous steroid use and personality worse from repeated head blows. Certainly at risk of this https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/chronic-traumatic-encephalopathy/ I think I would make an anonymous report to SS out of concern for his children.

Ponderingwindow · 16/07/2025 19:38

He crossed the line into physical conflict, it’s time to cut contact. That has consequences for you and your family, but it can’t be avoided.

some day, the girlfriend is going to need to take those children and run. If you and your family can afford to start setting aside a tiny bit of money now and then, it could help her escape either literally or just legally.

TunnocksOrDeath · 16/07/2025 19:37

You can be on steroids and still be flabby over the muscle that it has built up, so don't be sure that's not a factor... But it sounds like even without chemical abuse he's going down a spiral that you won't be able to stop unless the rest of the family pitch in too.
I agree with pp that his girlfriend might be at risk and if you can reach out to her without inflaming the situation, it might be a good idea, for her children's sake too.

dixiedoo · 16/07/2025 19:28

No doubt about it - he’s an abusive, angry and dangerous man clearly with a lot of problems based upon the few incidents you’ve written about in your post. You would not be unreasonable to never see him again. Keep yourself and your family safe at all costs.

Fatsnowflake · 16/07/2025 19:24

suburberphobe · 16/07/2025 19:03

If there is any way you can get him some professional help OP pls try!

Why the fuck is it always women's job to sort out men?!

Leave him to fuck up his own life OP.

I would suggest to subtly let that poor young woman know about Women's Aid.

I agree - I’m not going within a mile of that man.

I am not sure how I could let her know about women’s aid subtly. I could tell my mum to tell her but I really don’t want my poor mum in danger and I think she already is. Gf is in his thrall and will probably repeat things to him.

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suburberphobe · 16/07/2025 19:03

If there is any way you can get him some professional help OP pls try!

Why the fuck is it always women's job to sort out men?!

Leave him to fuck up his own life OP.

I would suggest to subtly let that poor young woman know about Women's Aid.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 16/07/2025 18:50

Good grief your family all need to stand up to him and go NC. I can see why they are scared to do so.
Your doing the right thing going no contact & not attending events where he will be, he sounds like a vile bully I bet he abuses his poor girlfriend.

Fatsnowflake · 16/07/2025 18:42

I have just learned that he has also assaulted other family members. I don’t want to give details (I don’t think he is a mumsnetter- but still!)

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Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 16:26

Thank you. I also think there’s a high chance he would ruin a family event if I were there. I was even thinking about what I do at funerals - which is awful. I can’t be near him. He really is scary and I don’t think it’s ridiculous to not want to be around that.

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Gymnopedie · 15/07/2025 16:18

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 15:34

I am still confused about why I am ridiculous?

You're not. It's sensible to keep yourself out of the way of being verbally and/or physically abused. And you know you're a target because you stand up to him, rather than rolling over and letting him get away with it as the others do (even if that is out of fear rather than indifference).

It's painful to feel you have to miss those occasions, but not ridiculous.

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 15:34

I am still confused about why I am ridiculous?

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Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 13:08

Jasmin71 · 15/07/2025 12:56

I wouldn't go near him again under any circumstances. I might even look into a restraining order.

I can’t get a restraining order based on what’s happened thus far - but I would look into it if he harassed me. I don’t think he will. I do feel a bit unsupported by the fact that other family members haven’t done anything and he’s continuing this behaviour with no consequences.

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Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 13:04

I don’t think it’s ridiculous not to go near him again. I think that’s a rational response to escalating violence. I can’t control whether other family members invite him to events but I can ensure I am not present.

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Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 13:01

derxa · 15/07/2025 12:57

Don’t be ridiculous

What? Please don’t be rude to me. This is a distressing situation. I’ve been polite and there’s no need to speak to me like that. Thank you.

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derxa · 15/07/2025 12:57

Fatsnowflake · 14/07/2025 22:11

There’s nothing I can do. I’m missing my niece’s christening and our other brother’s wedding because of this. I couldn’t trust him not to do this again.

Don’t be ridiculous

Jasmin71 · 15/07/2025 12:56

I wouldn't go near him again under any circumstances. I might even look into a restraining order.

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 12:53

Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 12:49

He doesn’t look after the children at all - his girlfriend does it all. I don’t think he’s violent with them at all and I don’t think social services would act on a vague report like that. If my friend reports to the police those services are joined up anyway.

I agree it sounds like gf is vulnerable but she would utterly deny anything was wrong if anyone spoke to her. She is completely in thrall to him. I have no tangible proof of anything even though I agree he’s clearly abusive.
I need to keep myself and my children safe because honestly that’s all I can do.

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Fatsnowflake · 15/07/2025 12:49

He doesn’t look after the children at all - his girlfriend does it all. I don’t think he’s violent with them at all and I don’t think social services would act on a vague report like that. If my friend reports to the police those services are joined up anyway.

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