To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

I know someone who warned her kids, 9 and 11, to stop messing on before they broke something. She was ignored, they continued and knocked over a soapstone chess board breaking 2 pieces. In her words she flipped, went into their rooms and broke a toy from each. Kids were crying, she was crying her worst parenting moment! What made it even worse was when she calmed down she used super glue to fix the pieces and they looked perfect, you couldn't even see the join!

Take maybe £10 but I think 30 is excessive.

Could you get him to do chores instead to make amends? If it's sentimental rather than money then no birthday money is going to make up for it. I agree with PP to explain to him the sentimental value.

You’re taking your understandable upset about the lamp breakage out on him. I’m considered quite a strict parent but I wouldn’t do this at this age as lack of impulse control is well, part of being 10. He didn’t do it deliberately and if it is such a precious item I wouldn’t have put it somewhere it could be knocked off. If you take his birthday money he will always feel shame when he remembers this birthday. Better to have a calM talk with him and explain why you’re so upset, what the lamp meant to you. He’s likely to learn the lesson from that rather than a punishment

I’d not take his birthday money as that was in lieu of gifts, but I’d be docking his pocket money as he needs to learn.

He’s ten, not three, and he was told to stop the silly behaviour and ignored you.

I moved breakables out of the way when one of my DC’s friends was that age and visiting as he is ND and was highly likely to throw cushions around the room. But my own DC is NT and if he’d ignored me and something got broken as a result I would make him make some recompense.

I think I agree with this tbh. But 30 pounds is a lot and I'd reduce it to ten, especially as it's birthday money and your son is only ten.

This made me sad for him :( especially when I saw your second post that you took the money on his bday so didn't 'ruin the whole day' - do you think it was really about the lamp or were your struggling to be extra nice to him for a day? Sounds like some sort of unconscious resentment to it being about him where you've had to issue an unjust punishment.

He just happens to have money atm because of his birthday. What would you do if it wasnt his birthday?

What if you were clumsy and broke something? Would you punishment yourself too?

I think you have gotten this out of proportion tbh.

My DS is the same age and he's always dicking about after being told to stop. Throwing balls around the house, clambering around on furniture etc. I regularly say to him that if he breaks a light fitting or smashes the tv etc then he'll be paying for it. And I would follow that through with a small contribution towards the new item 100%. It drives me bananas to be ignored constantly. But my DS has a fair amount of pocket money saved up so it wouldn't come from birthday money exactly.

Christ, that’s fucking harsh. It would never occur to me to do something as extreme as that.

Don’t be so mean. What would you do if he didn’t have his birthday money? I am all for making him work it off, or perhaps cutting pocket money in half for a couple of weeks

but taking £30:that’s just awful and it’s the sort of thing that he will remember forever, how horrible you have been.

ok you told him to stop but he’s a young boy and he didn’t deliberately do it

give him the money back and find another punishment

Just going to reiterate again - it is fucking awful to take birthday money from a child especially if he didn't know having his birthday money taken from him might be a 'consequence'. That is a 'make it up as you go along' punishment and is a terrible thing to do.

omg you should absolutely not do this. What a horrible thing to do. No wonder he cried.

Utterly mean of you.

@Articlesta will a 10 year old really be hard hit by having money deducted? Is he quite money savvy or materialistic?

I'd perhaps tackle it a different way, as he broke something having already been told not to do it, so it absolutely needs a consequence. I'd explain that it belonged to your gran, that she worked really hard to pay for it, and that as a consequence he should also have to work hard at something to show he is sorry for what he did. Give him a chore or something to do for 30 minutes each day for a week!

Time serves a better consequence than money for most kids.

Yikes, no. He didn't know you were going to take £30 of his birthday money if he accidentally broke something. I don't think it's an appropriate consequence. He's 10. Children play. He will learn but this is too harsh.

It wasn’t carelessness. It was mucking about after he’d been told to stop. Of course there should be consequences.

Well, I would expect him to contribute from his savings rather than take it out of birthday money, per se. But he should definitely pay something.

I'm really shocked by the responses here. OP, I think this was a suitable consequence, especially considering his age. He was warned.

To those saying that it's miserable living in a house where you can't have accidents, I would counter: how are children meant to differentiate where is appropriate to muck about? Can they muck about and cause consequence-free breakages at Granny's house? In a shop?

OP is teaching their child some solid life lessons: be aware of your surroundings, being careless has consequences, and that other people's feelings are important (and when you make a mistake that negatively impacts someone else, you have to make it right).

It's not our jobs to make our children happy all the time, and to shield them from any uncomfortable feelings. This is just parenting.

No I would absolutely not take his birthday money from him. Way to sour the occasion! Maybe get him to help you choose a replacement so he has more of a personal attachment to the things in the home? Or just let it go altogether really- accidents happen. Give him his money back, say you over reacted because you really liked the lamp because it belonged to your grandmother, open up a discussion about how nice memories can be attached to objects?

Maybe when kids are under age five, but a ten year old is too old to think the sitting room is a playground, and ignoring his mother and carrying on as he pleases is the making of a massive teenage shaped rod for her own back.

Her H should have been the one to tell the boy to knock it off, and he should be backing her up now. Boys learn from their dads to respect their mothers and to take care of the home.

I was strict with my DCs about listening to me and doing what they were told, and we had nice things as a result, and toys that weren't broken, and pleasant family meals.

I wouldn’t, it’s really shit living in a house where you can’t have accidents. Unless it’s repeated carelessness or done on purpose I’d let it go.

You took a bit much. £10 would have been more than enough to make your point.

Why the hell do people call punishments “consequences” these days?

Taking his birthday money is not a “consequence”, it’s a punishment. It might be a fair punishment if you warned him beforehand “Stop messing about. If you keep messing about and something gets broken you will have to pay for it” (although I still think taking birthday money is wrong - deduction from pocket money over a number of weeks would be more reasonable”).

By contrast the actual consequence of breaking the lamp is a dark living room and a sad mum. For some kids that is enough to change behaviour if they have strong empathy.

But what OP has done is be spiteful - to punish with no warning, which is really just a way of lashing out and models poor behaviours.

I'd go ahead and take some money. Maybe reduce it to £10 or £15, if he apologises and acknowledges that he should have been listening.

£30 is a bit steep, but I think you're right that he needs to learn a lesson here.

Ten is too old to think throwing things around in the sitting room is acceptable. You and your H need to put a stop to that sort of behaviour.

He's old enough to do chores - dusting, polishing, hoovering, laundry, helping with washing up and preparing meals. He will start to develop more care for the house and what's in it of he himself helps to take care of it.

I 100% agree with you. He was warned he ignored you he broke a lamp. I’d take weekly instalments for the rest of it too. Everyone saying it’s the theft or too harsh is ridiculous it’s not like he had no warning. Kids learn by their being consequences that’s how they learn to take responsibility. It’s just means it’s life.