To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

Leave his birthday money alone and give him a pass for the lamp. You’ll never be able to replace it no matter how much you’d take from him and accidents, even daft/naughty ones happen.

Give him his money back. He's 10.

So it was his actual birthday as well?

Mean

This. And as such I think it’s completely reasonable to have a natural consequence which is to pay for a replacement. He was warned twice and as a result of not listening he’s broke something really precious to the OP. People moan a lot on MN about the behaviour of young boys and men. If we don’t bring them up to respect other people (including women like his mother!), to listen to authority and respect other people’s belongings, we’ll continue to have young men who don’t have respect and can’t behave appropriately.

By the age of 10, I'd have immediately offered to provide a monetary contribution if I'd broken something after being asked to stop messing around.

Aye right you would 😂There might be a little bit of little bit of hindsight bias there!

£30 is too much - yes he was asked to stop but he didn't throw the lamp or break it on purpose. I would have said £10 would make the point

Maybe a bit steep but its done now. I wouldnt refund any of it to him - that would make it seem like actually ignoring your instructions and then breaking something isnt so bad after all.
Id find some other way to have a nice afternoon out or a treat of some kind in a months time - that way you'd be spending the money and he'd have a great time etc but would still remember the lesson of "dont be super hyper indoors cos things get broken"

I think it’s fair. If it was an unforeseen accident it would be too harsh, but you’d already told him to stop mucking about. It’s very important for them to learn actual consequences at this age.
Perhaps £30 is a bit much but I don’t see the problem with it being “birthday money” rather than “pocket money” - it’s all his money, better to be a clear and immediate consequence.

I’d get a new lamp asap and “discover” that it was less expensive than I thought, so only £20 was needed, and give him £10 back.

It’s not quite the same but my son was running up and down the stairs years ago, holding a new birthday toy not v securely. I’d told him several times to be more careful with it, and sure enough down it dropped and totally broke. He was all “oh I didn’t think I’d drop it, I was trying to hold on but it just slipped” and I said “yes, I know you didn’t mean to drop it, but you’d been warned plenty of times and didn’t listen”. He had to buy himself a new one if he wanted it, and he’s been careful on the stairs ever since. I didn’t just replace it out of my money so it didn’t “ruin his birthday” - I probably would have if it had been a genuine unforeseen accident but he’d been told and told, and ignored me.

I could never have done that to my child. I think it’s mean, especially as it was an accident. I think talking it through with him so he realises the consequences of what happened and how upset you are is far more more effective. Taking money from him is going too far.

I think this is really fair. My older child's birthday and pocket money go into the same jar, so for us, there's no differentiation. I get that other families do this differently though.
If this had been my son, I'd have talked about why I was upset, and involved him in helping me look for a replacement. I'd have wanted him to suggest a way to make it right, and discussed where he'd like that contribution to come from: immediate clearance from money in hand, or longer-term payment plan (good opportunity for financial responsibility teaching).

When I was a child (1970s), I would have been smacked for that. Not excessively, or overly hard and, to be honest, I’d have preferred that to losing 40% of my birthday money, which just seems mean.

Different era though, I suppose.

"£30 is more than enough. It sounds like his first time so yes £30 is harsh.
Only OP knows her child but unless there's a backstory that her house is getting wrecked on a monthly basis. It's very dramatic here.
Did your child appear remorseful OP?"

How is a financial contribution to replace something he broke "dramatic"?

If you were at your friend's house and broke a lamp, would you call them dramatic if they asked for a partial contribution to replace it because you didn't do it deliberately? I'd offer to replace it, of course, and I learned that because my parents taught me personal responsibility.

Sometimes parenting feels harsh because we love our children so much. We have to love them enough to make sure we help them learn the right way to do things when they're kids, even when it feels hard to disappoint them.

Otherwise they'll grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe and not caring about anyone's feelings but their own.

Fairer From pocket money.

Trying to imagine how I would feel as the person giving the gift - asked what your son and he said - I got Lego for £c and mum took £Y because I was messing about and didn’t listen and broke a lamp that she treasured.

Even though as the person giving the gift I have the background of the bad behaviour and the sentimental value I would be giving a treat like taking him out in future that cannot be taken away like money, a physical gift or vouchers could be.

I think he deserves to pay for it, but i wouldn't have taken it out his birthday money.

Id have asked him to give me £x out his weekly pocket money till he paid for it. He ignored you and broke something important, he should want to make that up. But you should talk to him about why youre upset, agree how much to contribute to a new lamp and then he should make an effort to give that.

If you just help yourself to his money youre teaching him a different bad lesson imo. Self help isnt how you deal with hurt feelings or damages.

Also if he made 2 or 3 instalments of £5 id write the rest off for him anything else we agreed. Its about learning to be considerate and being accountable id want to instill not retribution.

£30 is more than enough. It sounds like his first time so yes £30 is harsh.

Only OP knows her child but unless there's a backstory that her house is getting wrecked on a monthly basis. It's very dramatic here.

Did your child appear remorseful OP??

I agree with you. I have a teenager now that has no respect for things because I wasn’t harsh enough. He watched me cry about the state of his room (actual damage not just a mess) time and time again, not all children have empathy and feel guilty when they see their Mum upset. My son didn’t even put his arm around me when I was crying. I should have been much harder on him and am paying the price now!

I think in this instance because it had sentimental value t you, you would have been better off playing the emotions card and making him realise how upset you were, rather than deducting money from his birthday. Now the kid thinks that it’s possible to pay your way out of being uncourteous and hurtful/dumb behaviour. In the future, if he does something that hurts someone, it sets the precedence that you can pay your way out of it.

No wonder behaviour in schools nowadays is abysmal. Children must be experiencing real boundaries for the first time in the classroom, and presumably parents won't back the teachers on those boundaries.
This thread implies that parents aren't willing to parent their children with relevant and proportionate consequences. By the age of 10, I'd have immediately offered to provide a monetary contribution if I'd broken something after being asked to stop messing around. Astonishing that anyone is calling a £30 contribution "cruel"!

If he showed remorse for breaking the lamp I wouldn’t dream of taking any of his birthday money off him.

I wouldn't take birthday money. I don't think that's the right lesson. The two things are not related. Do what you'd do when it wasn't his birthday. I'd say to make up for it he can help do a few chores or something.

You are mean and cruel, he will never forget you doing that. Forgive him. Go to a vintage market together and choose a new lamp.

Really mean.

people do stupid stuff all the time and break things. Kids especially who are still learning to control their behaviour.

let him keep his money.

ok you told him to stop but he’s a young boy and he didn’t deliberately do it

He deliberately continued to mess about when he'd been told to stop.

At what age should children be expected to take responsibility for their actions? Ten is the age of criminal responsbility.

This

Why not try mend it