Page 3 | Wife work - no thanks

whistlesandbells · 2025-07-14T17:50:50+00:00

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw. The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest. There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:30

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:25

Yes, I have responded to another poster to say it is a fair point.

We will have both been at work all day, come home at 5, then he goes to the cinema with son. That really can wait. I’d be perplexed if I was grandma quite honestly.

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I didn't realise he would be working all day. That does change things and I do think it is rude of him to go out in the evening when he hasn't seen her all day.

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:25

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:18

So you actually have done all the 'wife work' but then complained about your DH leaving his mother for a couple of hours? Which I personally don't think comes with any expectations. A guest staying for 2 weeks can be left alone for a couple of hours and they would probably appreciate it. Spending every minute of the day with the same person for 2 weeks would be my idea of hell.

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Yes, I have responded to another poster to say it is a fair point.

We will have both been at work all day, come home at 5, then he goes to the cinema with son. That really can wait. I’d be perplexed if I was grandma quite honestly.

OP posts:

Pistachiocake · 14/07/2025 22:19

tilypu · 14/07/2025 18:57

So you think it's acceptable for the host to leave the guest in someone else's company (that hasn't consented to this) in order to go to the cinema? Would you do this to your parent if they were visiting? Just leave them with whoever happens to be home?

I'm with you op. Fair enough had he asked you and you were totally on board with it. But that's not the case here.

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My grandparents often came round and just spent time with whichever parent/member of the family was there. My MIL actually probably had more in common with my mum than her son, and tended to like to pop out shopping or whatever together, not saying it should always be the case just because they're the same gender though, but it definitely wouldn't be one person only inviting their parent, unless it was very early in a relationship. They'd probably have invited everyone to the cinema though, rather than just 2 people going.

SerafinasGoose · 14/07/2025 22:18

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

She's a guest under their roof. What she 'needs' is common courtesy.

And this needs to be provided by her own child, the person who invited her to stay in the first place. It's the absolute basics of politeness.

Good for you, OP.

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:18

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 20:57

That’s a big assumption. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, given up my bed, booked them a mini break together, only person who has planned activities for all of us that they want to do, gone to collect a 1000-piece jigsaw for her from my friend and got the cereal she likes in… I like my MIL and have done it with pleasure. That is as far as I am willing to go 🤣 Her son has not made these efforts, so I think it is fair to say nope, maybe go to the cinema another day.

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So you actually have done all the 'wife work' but then complained about your DH leaving his mother for a couple of hours? Which I personally don't think comes with any expectations. A guest staying for 2 weeks can be left alone for a couple of hours and they would probably appreciate it. Spending every minute of the day with the same person for 2 weeks would be my idea of hell.

nomas · 14/07/2025 22:18

YANBU, OP. I really like my MIL and we get on well when she comes to stay but I don’t want to be alone with her all day or all evening. I like having DH there so that I can go upstairs or pop out or do anything really. We spend time together but DH takes the lead in making her comfortable. And similarly with my mum, I spend a lot of time making sure my mum has what she needs (though she doesn’t come to stay) and I don’t expect DH to do this, although he also spends time with my mum too.

SerafinasGoose · 14/07/2025 22:15

Lifeisinteresting · 14/07/2025 18:52

@whistlesandbells i don’t think your husband going to the cinema with his son should be an issue at any time of year. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

And the first post instantly tries to put the woman back into her box ...

PersephonePomegranate · 14/07/2025 22:07

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

Oh come on! She'll have barely arrived, then the host disappears?! Of course OP would end up hostessing!

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:03

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 14/07/2025 21:59

Ah OK. I keep seeing “wild“ on MN. Context tells me it means something like outrageous never see it or hear it anywhere but on this website.

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I have learned from this thread to think more carefully about using the expression “wild”. 👏🏻👏🏻

OP posts:

Jabberwok · 14/07/2025 22:00

Lifeisinteresting · 14/07/2025 18:52

@whistlesandbells i don’t think your husband going to the cinema with his son should be an issue at any time of year. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

So you and I are friends...you invite me to stay at yours...then one night take your kid to the cinema leaving me behind and you think that's acceptable? Yes your partner's here but I'm your friend not theirs.

MightyDandelionEsq · 14/07/2025 22:00

Neemie · 14/07/2025 21:00

The question is, would you expect your DH to entertain your mother on the 2nd day of her visit so you could go to the cinema for several hours? It is a bit rude especially as they could go to the cinema the following week.

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Maybe we’re a bit odd but we’re both well integrated into each others families. I have coffee with my MIL often, doesn’t bother me and I don’t see it as women’s work.

On the second night isn’t the night of the arrival and as it’s for his kid - not a booze trip or something else which is self involved. I really don’t get the hostility 🤷‍♀️

I guess this is the difference between those who like their in laws and those who struggle 1:1.

PIPERHELLO · 14/07/2025 21:59

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 19:02

You have a right to your opinion. I have the right to not be left entertaining his mother so he can go to the cinema a day after she has arrived. The film is on for weeks, btw.

I work full time and he has a child free week to spend as he likes the following week. I certainly never expected similar from him with my parents. I don’t like the assumption he made that this is okay to put on me. 🤷‍♀️ I feel better for saying no rather than resentment.

Well said op!

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 21:59

whatisheupto · 14/07/2025 21:49

Well done OP. You'd have been expected to make dinner for her too at that time, whilst trying to get your 2 yo to bed. Do you think your DH was planning it 'on purpose' or just being careless and not thinking through?

Most definitely thoughtless and not calculated.

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WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 14/07/2025 21:59

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 21:24

Wild to me as I would never contemplate going out on day 2 of any visit (by anyone) on a non essential trip.

Also note the poster who says grandma would probably like everyone to piss off and have a sherry and some peace. I fully agree but then she can do that in her own home (and does).

I consider bickering to start when there is resentment. Maybe there is some. Hence why I said no today.

Ah OK. I keep seeing “wild“ on MN. Context tells me it means something like outrageous never see it or hear it anywhere but on this website.

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 21:58

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 21:50

Why couldn't he take his mum and son together for a cinema night?

Maybe he could, mobility is not great but it is not impossible. But I expect they want to go by themselves which is also great but can happen the following week of her visit.

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Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 21:56

Indianajet · 14/07/2025 21:44

When both my parents were in hospital, and Dad was dying, my late husband sat and held my mum's hand all day while my sister and I were with Dad. He did it because we were all family. I am so glad we had a relationship where his family were mine, and mine his.

Thst is exactly as it should be. I sat with my MIL at Xmas in the same way. My own mother had died in September. But that isn’t what I have issue with, it’s being expected to host without being consulted on day 2 of a visits that has barely begun.

Again I am sorry for your loss and glad your DH supported you (and your mum).

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Original poster

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 21:51

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2025 21:36

I’m shocked at the number of posters who think this is ok.

Has grandma even seen her 17year old grandson on this visit?

He’s treating you like staff OP. You don’t exist just to make his life easier. I hope you stand up for yourself a lot more in future. And that next time MIL comes to visit he plays a far more active part in prepping for her visit as well

Grandma arrives night before. She is 85, has a broken wrist (been in a cast 3 weeks now), needs assistance to fly and has arranged this by herself. Recently bereaved before Xmas. Grandson won’t have spent time with her at that point. Me and DH don’t bicker. 2 year old goes to bed at 7pm.

I know if I had done this to my own mother and said I was going out she would have told me I was rude. She wouldn’t have held back 🤷‍♀️.

I really don’t think it is a good way to treat a guest on day 2. After a week, sure. Not day 2.

OP posts:

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 21:50

Why couldn't he take his mum and son together for a cinema night?

whatisheupto · 14/07/2025 21:49

Well done OP. You'd have been expected to make dinner for her too at that time, whilst trying to get your 2 yo to bed. Do you think your DH was planning it 'on purpose' or just being careless and not thinking through?

whynotmereally · 14/07/2025 21:48

MightyDandelionEsq · 14/07/2025 20:11

I don’t see how this is a big feminist win or woman’s work?

I’d sit and have a few hours with my MIL so my husband could go out with our child for a few hours. I don’t really understand this?

And if your mum was visiting you would book cinema for you and your older dc and your dh would happily entertain your mum and toddler?

Indianajet · 14/07/2025 21:44

When both my parents were in hospital, and Dad was dying, my late husband sat and held my mum's hand all day while my sister and I were with Dad. He did it because we were all family. I am so glad we had a relationship where his family were mine, and mine his.

babyproblems · 14/07/2025 21:37

I’m with you op.
My DH is self employed; I am currently unemployed about to start a business.
My MIL comes over and my DH of course gets the freedom to carry on working.. I am expected to host.. I wonder how this will work when I am also working officially! I suspect that because I am ‘working from home’ mostly and self employed (read ultra flexible) that nothing will change in anyone’s expectations!!!

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2025 21:36

I’m shocked at the number of posters who think this is ok.

Has grandma even seen her 17year old grandson on this visit?

He’s treating you like staff OP. You don’t exist just to make his life easier. I hope you stand up for yourself a lot more in future. And that next time MIL comes to visit he plays a far more active part in prepping for her visit as well

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 21:33

It's his mother, she shouldn't need entertaining at all times. If my mum was with me for a long visit I'd spend some time doing my own thing too.

Bridport · 14/07/2025 21:32

Also note the poster who says grandma would probably like everyone to piss off and have a sherry and some peace. I fully agree but then she can do that in her own home (and does).

But she's 85, she's absolutely not going to want to be keeping up with an entertainment schedule and will really need some down time whilst she's with you.

I get you OP. You did a load of prep work and now DH is saying he wants to go out. The answer is next time let him do the prep work, don't take it on yourself if he can't be arsed = no resentment necessary.