Wife work - no thanks

whistlesandbells · 2025-07-14T17:50:50+00:00

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw. The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest. There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 16/07/2025 09:13

I said exactly the same to my DH when he crept off into the office to his laptop the evening after his mother arrived for a few days. Fuck that. Be an adult and entertain her.

657904I · 16/07/2025 04:14

I don’t think this is the best example of things, but yeah he can entertain his family when they visit. Just like if your mum is visiting, he might find it awkward to be alone with her in the evening when she might want company or to mill around the house instead of retiring to bed.

Personally though, I wouldn’t be giving up my bed for 2 weeks to facilitate this visit especially if I’m travelling the week after.

orwellwasright2025 · 16/07/2025 03:27

whistlesandbells · 15/07/2025 17:18

Thanks to everyone for replying and for all your comments. Interesting to hear all the perspectives. The outcome was that my DH said “no problem… we will go the following week”. He is also out tonight with his son and they’re having a lovely time.
The motivation for my post most definitely came from a place of being pleased with myself for speaking up and doing so in a direct but non reactive way. This leans into the Mumsnet adage that you should communicate and say what you want to your partner freely. Quite honestly, Mumsnet taught me this.

Thanks to several posters who pointed out I have already done most of the “wife work”. I have to say this is true. I also need to say that the list of things I outlined as having done I enjoy (apart from the cleaning which I loathe). However, I prefer cleaning to being default host and that was my red line. I also have a skill set that makes all those things I did very much easier than it would be for DH - is my skill set being female or is because I am very logistical: can juggle admin and I run big and the small events? Who knows?

My MIL lives alone and the aim of the visit is to give her a good time, company and a change from the usual. It is not to leave her alone in a different house and I would like my DH to practically show up for this.

The role of default carer, which is what I think “wife work” really is, most definitely resonated with some posters who have found themselves annoyed and wanting to resist being expected to be on call, support and solve. Yesterday I did not want to be in that role so I said no thanks.

And quite right. Glad you stood up for yourself.

Diblin93 · 16/07/2025 03:22

Go gurl. I agree with you

HotCrossBunplease · 15/07/2025 23:42

Not really getting the big fuss about “Day2!”. It’s a 2 week visit, surely the whole point is that she just becomes part of your household for a couple of weeks and there is no need to schedule entertainment for every minute. Day 1 is the big hello and initial catch up then Day 2 a bit more settling in, possibly still getting over some jet lag. I think it would be a bigger deal if he wanted to go out towards the end of her visit when time was running out to do nice things.
Can’t really identify with your outrage to be honest. Sorry you lost your own Mum (mine has also passed away) but I think it is colouring your judgment and making you pick fights because you resent his being still here when yours is not.

Devianinc · 15/07/2025 23:14

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 19:02

You have a right to your opinion. I have the right to not be left entertaining his mother so he can go to the cinema a day after she has arrived. The film is on for weeks, btw.

I work full time and he has a child free week to spend as he likes the following week. I certainly never expected similar from him with my parents. I don’t like the assumption he made that this is okay to put on me. 🤷‍♀️ I feel better for saying no rather than resentment.

I totally agree with you. Is he freaking kidding. Tell him to take his mother to the movies and leave you and your son. Then take your son out to dinner that night. Get filet mignon au poirve and truffle fries on the side. I know I spelled the peppercorn sauce wrong, too lazy to figure the right spelling. Then the next night you take your son to the movies. He can entertain his mother.

SouthernNights59 · 15/07/2025 21:39

nomas · 15/07/2025 03:23

Because liking someone is very different to being responsible for hosting them all evening. I like my MIL but she gets lonely so she talks a lot and it takes a lot of concentration to keep up with her. It’s much easier when DH is here as he can talk to her about all the people she knows, her memories etc.

Show quote history

The day I find it difficult to concentrate long enough to chat/listen to someone for a few hours you might as well put me out to pasture. Honestly, wtf is wrong with people

anon666 · 15/07/2025 20:51

Its so rude to invite his mum then make other arrangements!

I couldn't agree more.

I adore my MIL but I hate the way dh reverts to being a baby bird in the nest whenever she stays.

He's either leaving it all to me, or it's a performance of how great a husband he is as he clatters his way around the kitchen like a bull in a china shop.

Arranging to go to the cinema leaving you all in together is rude.

coxesorangepippin · 15/07/2025 20:08

Similar situation here really

A neighbor's mother has arrived from abroad, but it's the son in law who is taking her for days out whilst her daughter is at home

Bit bizarre but each to their own

JohnTheRevelator · 15/07/2025 19:30

YANBU. I think too many men just assume that their wife/partner will meekly accept being put upon. I think your DH was totally out of order!

Limehawkmoth · 15/07/2025 19:01

CutFlowers · 14/07/2025 19:51

Why doesn't he take Grany to the cinema too? I'd have thought she might like to see her grandson.

I thought immediately that granny would like to see her grandson..but my thought was why the bloody hell is the dad going out and taking grandson, when he should be taking grandson and granny somewhere they can spend time togther - cinema isn’t it

sounds like neither DH or his son (ok teenager I assume so I’ll cut some slack) can be bothered with grunt work of engaging with his mother/granny if there is something better they can do and do the misogynistic DW/step mum and granny can do “women’s stuff togther ”

op is right to say bollocks to that . His mum. He hosts by being present to show he cares about his mum.

Blablibladirladada · 15/07/2025 18:20

Lovely reply of your DH btw…

Blablibladirladada · 15/07/2025 18:18

whistlesandbells · 15/07/2025 17:18

Thanks to everyone for replying and for all your comments. Interesting to hear all the perspectives. The outcome was that my DH said “no problem… we will go the following week”. He is also out tonight with his son and they’re having a lovely time.
The motivation for my post most definitely came from a place of being pleased with myself for speaking up and doing so in a direct but non reactive way. This leans into the Mumsnet adage that you should communicate and say what you want to your partner freely. Quite honestly, Mumsnet taught me this.

Thanks to several posters who pointed out I have already done most of the “wife work”. I have to say this is true. I also need to say that the list of things I outlined as having done I enjoy (apart from the cleaning which I loathe). However, I prefer cleaning to being default host and that was my red line. I also have a skill set that makes all those things I did very much easier than it would be for DH - is my skill set being female or is because I am very logistical: can juggle admin and I run big and the small events? Who knows?

My MIL lives alone and the aim of the visit is to give her a good time, company and a change from the usual. It is not to leave her alone in a different house and I would like my DH to practically show up for this.

The role of default carer, which is what I think “wife work” really is, most definitely resonated with some posters who have found themselves annoyed and wanting to resist being expected to be on call, support and solve. Yesterday I did not want to be in that role so I said no thanks.

Yeah but I don’t think that this is an issue to be the default carer. The problem is to whom?

Your hubby should know whom he can spring on you no problem at all (children? SIL? Fav aunty?) and whom never to do so (children?SIL?his fav aunty?).

It is more a matter of respecting the other one and to give credit for the wife work done. To a certain extent…it forces men to also acknowledge their weird relatives that they certainly don’t want to be dealing with whilst expecting their partner to love and care. Women are still very much treated as property.

Blablibladirladada · 15/07/2025 18:14

😂😂😂😂😂😂

the untold expectations are the nightmares of this society. « I want to look like … » but I will not do the work so I am going to get married so I can have the convenyancy to dump it on someone else. Plus I can call it « care for you » and look even better. My oh my…

this is serious ! 👀😂😂😂

CeciliaMars · 15/07/2025 17:39

You're so right OP. A woman would just simply not expect their husband to entertain their mother alone on the second night of an overseas visit. It drives me mad how my husband seems to expect me to plan, buy and wrap his family's birthday and Christmas presents. I've stopped doing it now, but I did it for years!

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 15/07/2025 17:18

Thanks to everyone for replying and for all your comments. Interesting to hear all the perspectives. The outcome was that my DH said “no problem… we will go the following week”. He is also out tonight with his son and they’re having a lovely time.
The motivation for my post most definitely came from a place of being pleased with myself for speaking up and doing so in a direct but non reactive way. This leans into the Mumsnet adage that you should communicate and say what you want to your partner freely. Quite honestly, Mumsnet taught me this.

Thanks to several posters who pointed out I have already done most of the “wife work”. I have to say this is true. I also need to say that the list of things I outlined as having done I enjoy (apart from the cleaning which I loathe). However, I prefer cleaning to being default host and that was my red line. I also have a skill set that makes all those things I did very much easier than it would be for DH - is my skill set being female or is because I am very logistical: can juggle admin and I run big and the small events? Who knows?

My MIL lives alone and the aim of the visit is to give her a good time, company and a change from the usual. It is not to leave her alone in a different house and I would like my DH to practically show up for this.

The role of default carer, which is what I think “wife work” really is, most definitely resonated with some posters who have found themselves annoyed and wanting to resist being expected to be on call, support and solve. Yesterday I did not want to be in that role so I said no thanks.

OP posts:

Fundayout2025 · 15/07/2025 13:54

nomas · 15/07/2025 12:58

The MIL is 85, and sounds like OP knows she wouldn’t like being left to her own devices

Similarly my MIL would feel a bit abandoned if she was left alone the day after she arrived. DH just wouldn’t do it to her.

Show quote history

Wonder what the MIL does at home then? Obviously OPs husband isn't there all the time

My DDs grandma ( exes mum) is 83. Often stays with DD but gets left to watch TV or read magazines while DD is dealing with kids or goes out

nomas · 15/07/2025 12:58

Fundayout2025 · 15/07/2025 12:40

But can't you do that anyway? Who says that you have to sit on sofa next to MIL all evening?

As a parent to adult kids I'd be perfectly capable of reading) doom scrolling for a couple of hours by myself while they did other stuff

Show quote history

The MIL is 85, and sounds like OP knows she wouldn’t like being left to her own devices

Similarly my MIL would feel a bit abandoned if she was left alone the day after she arrived. DH just wouldn’t do it to her.

Fundayout2025 · 15/07/2025 12:40

nomas · 14/07/2025 22:18

YANBU, OP. I really like my MIL and we get on well when she comes to stay but I don’t want to be alone with her all day or all evening. I like having DH there so that I can go upstairs or pop out or do anything really. We spend time together but DH takes the lead in making her comfortable. And similarly with my mum, I spend a lot of time making sure my mum has what she needs (though she doesn’t come to stay) and I don’t expect DH to do this, although he also spends time with my mum too.

But can't you do that anyway? Who says that you have to sit on sofa next to MIL all evening?

As a parent to adult kids I'd be perfectly capable of reading) doom scrolling for a couple of hours by myself while they did other stuff

Zucker · 15/07/2025 10:20

You've literally done all the wife work for your MIL's visit. I wouldn't be so sure this is just lovable thoughtlessness from your husband. Being less chill with your expectations of him will do wonders.

Themaghag · 15/07/2025 10:19

Bowlandbillow · 14/07/2025 20:50

My friend continued to work after her husband retired. Her mother lived with them both. Her husband acted as his MIL's carer during the day ( and whenever his wife went out for the evening) . I know so many men ( my BIL for example) who visited my very elderly mother one afternoon a week for the last three years of her life because her regular carer was unavailable.
I am grateful for the sustained effort my husband made for my mother before she died. He mowed her lawn. mended stuff, did the garden and shared a cup of tea with her, on his own.
How some posters on here would disapprove. He never once complained of 'husband work' to me.

But that's a quite different scenario isn't it? Husbands and wives splitting chores and responsibilities in ways that best suit them is one thing, this was something else entirely. What OP is rightly objecting to is her husband suddenly deciding to go out with DS the day after his elderly mother has arrived from overseas and expecting OP to entertain her for the evening without any consultation, while OP still has to deal with bedtime for her two-year-old and her usual evening household chores. It's hardly welcoming behaviour, is it? In fact, I'd say it was damn well rude. Furthermore, it is probably also symptomatic of the attitude that so many men have about their wives in terms of always expecting them to pick up all the domestic, childcare and social slack without so much as a word, in order to satisfy his so much more important masculine needs and desires. OP pulled her DH up on it - good for her! - new arrangements were made and now everyone is happy. If her husband had been less thoughtlessly selfish in the first place, this wouldn't have happened.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 15/07/2025 10:02

Verbena17 · 15/07/2025 00:10

I don’t get it - you say you like your MIL and you say she’s 85.
She wont be here forever - what’s wrong with your DH going to the cinema for 2 hours and you and your MIL staying in and watching television or a movie or something?

Or couldn’t you and MIL got for dinner or a different movie etc?
It’s a couple of hours - it would be a different story if you didn’t get on but you do.
If you’re having her over from abroad, I’m guessing you don’t see her very often. And you have a child who will be seeing their grandma - that’s a lovely thing.

Can you imagine a woman inviting her mother to fly from another country to come and stay with her for 2 weeks, and then on the second night, leaving her at home with her husband to go to the cinema with someone else? Can you actually imagine that happening? Wouldn’t most people consider that odd at best, and downright rude at worst? Why is society so accepting of men being downright rude, socially oblivious and inconsiderate?

Original poster

whistlesandbells · 15/07/2025 08:05

I do like my MIL. But I don’t want to be default host. I didn’t actually like my own mother, love yes, but not like. She was hard work and I still wouldn’t have gone out. Or delegated to my partner to do so.

Yes, she rarely visits and won’t be here forever, hence why I think some respect should be paid to that by her son and her grandson.
I cannot go out for dinner with her and look after a two year old around bedtime. And even if I could, I don’t want to.
Another suggestion was that she babysits and I go out - she is not here to run around (she cannot) after a two year old.

OP posts:

Doorwayss · 15/07/2025 06:46

Well done OP, you have already done too much.
He sounds thoughtless and lazy.
Time you put your foot down a lot more.
You are grieving your own mother yet he still expects you to be doing the heavy lifting with his visiting mother.

Being easy going and chilled inevitably gets taken advantage of by selfish thoughtless men.

Mind yourself.

nomas · 15/07/2025 03:23

SouthernNights59 · 15/07/2025 01:50

As OP has already said they really like their MIL I can't see why this is an issue, and yes, I would have left my partner with either of my parents for a while - they would probably have had a better time than if I had been there.

Show quote history

Because liking someone is very different to being responsible for hosting them all evening. I like my MIL but she gets lonely so she talks a lot and it takes a lot of concentration to keep up with her. It’s much easier when DH is here as he can talk to her about all the people she knows, her memories etc.