to think people with nice parents have no clue what toxic parents are like?

Totally agree

I remember reading "A Child Called It" a long time ago and not believing it. I knew that some parents were neglectful, for example, but I could not believe that a mother would deliberately target and abuse one child. I look back and can't believe how naive I was.

That's very similar to my mum and dad's relationship.

And this is precisely why I don't tell anyone, OP.
Because I've always known, even as a child, and still now as a 48 year old, that I'm outside the glass ball looking in on the world that lives inside the glass ball.
They can see me, but they would never, ever be able to hear me properly if I tried to tell them what my life is like because of my parents.
The people inside the glass ball are laughing and smiling.
I am sad.
They are together, in friendship, forming bonds and making happy memories with friends that they connect with.
I isolate myself.
They express how they're feeling, when they're happy or angry.
I bottle my emotions up.
They speak up for what they want in life.
I withhold my requests.
They feel optimistic.
I feel numb.
They have good self esteem.
I spend my life thinking I must be awful.
They have confidence in themselves and in the world around them.
I feel frightened and look upon the world around me with confusion.
Because when your parents treat you terribly, awfully, hurtfully. When they raise you telling you damning things about yourself and carry on throughout your adult hood. When they critisise you endlessly. When your basic needs and care are neglected by the very people that brought you in to the world. When you are screamed and shouted at. When you are manipulated in to believing their behaviour is all your fault. You end up very, very damaged.
And no amount of therapy can ever undo the damage caused.
And many undamaged people don't like to listen to damaged people. It unsettles them. It unnerves them. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Because if they listen to the damaged people, it will wobble their belief system. Their value system. So they prefer not to listen. And if they do hear, they dismiss what they hear with platitudes so that they can tell themselves that what you're saying isn't really true. It's not as bad as you're saying. It can't be. Otherwise it would mean that the world isn't the safe place full of nice people that they believe it to be.
And so this is why I don't talk to people about my parents.
Because nobody would listen to me. And even if they did listen, they would never understand. They would say something insensitive, or tactless, or condescending, or trite. Or they would simply not hear.
Which would hurt me.
And I'm hurt enough.
I don't need any more hurt.
So I walk alone on this path through life. Smiling. Being polite. Working hard. Keeping myself to myself. Never burdening others.
And wondering why this injustice ever happened.
Because I'm a nice person. A gentle person. With good, honest values. And I would so, so desperately have loved to be born to lovely parents who unconditionally loved me.
My heart aches to imagine the joy of what my life would have held, had I only been treasured by the two people who created me.

I remember once many years ago, I read Paul McCartney being interviewed and he happened to say that in his family when he was a child, everyone was nice to each other just about all the time. It really made an impression on me....imagine being super talented and a balanced human being? Or did one foster the other one?

Another example is a girl I went to school with, who made a throwaway comment about laughing with her dad and it shocked me so much. I didn't know that some dads were fun and shared jokes with their children.

Final example: my lovely partner who is kind to everyone all the time. His parents were really nice to him when he was a kid.

My point is the obvious one: toxic parents ruin their children. Larkin probably said it better.

I know I’m very lucky and grew up with lovely parents, however we have had to go no contact with my dh parents as they are absolutely toxic to the core and didn’t ever deserve to have children.
Other people who haven’t seen it for themselves/experienced it first hand genuinely wouldn’t believe most of the things they have done as they are beyond belief.

Totally agree. It’s only recently my best friend who knows my history has stopped asking me if I have plans to visit my DM who lives abroad and using the phrase “ but she is your mum”
I would not say my DM is toxic just supremely selfish and not really interested in me or my DC.
I do worry I might regret not going to visit she’s 82 now and I haven’t seen her for 6 years but whenever I start to think of the detail of it I can’t face it.

That's not the point op was making though. She was talking about people who write
“You’ll regret it when they’re gone” or "family is everything and you’ll regret cutting them off"
She also wrote " I get that people who had decent relationships with their parents feel that loss and I’m not saying they shouldn’t"

I agree. Until you've has this experience then no one has a right to judge. I tolerate my own DM so she has a bond with her Grandchildren. I find it difficult though, that will never change.

Go back and change it. You can do that.

You are right, OP, but I sometimes think that some people don't even try to put themselves in the shoes of others. They have no imagination and cannot see that the way things were/are for them isn't the same as for everyone. There can be no differences at all.

I totally agree OP. I referred to them as Polyanna Gobshites on another thread.

I wonder if it's a particularly juvenile way of boasting a) how lucky they are compared to you and b) virtue signalling

YANBU in how you feel, not by any stretch. But neither are the people who say things like ‘I wish my parents were still alive’. Your lived experience is not theirs, and theirs is not yours. It’s not their dutiful or moral responsibility to spend any time imagining what it’s like to have shit parents, and they can’t be condemned for that. But that can be hard for people with negative childhood and parental
memories to reconcile in their own minds. That’s understandable.

That’s not said in any way to disregard your own feelings about your parents but as with everything in life… childhood, education, marriage, kids, income, illness….life is different for everyone.

Why is it an important poll? We aren't voting for Parliament?

This, I grieved for the mother that I deserved not the one I had.

I think some people with nice parents are intelligent enough to understand that others aren't so lucky. Others will come out with silly comments like "Oh well, no one's perfect" as they don't have the capacity to understand.
There will be another group who were/are abusive themselves. They are going to downplay abuse as much as possible and try to blame the victim.

Can I put in a word for people whose parents aren't toxic per se but who are just a bit useless?

I agree. I was once told “you’ll miss her when she’s gone” like I was the villain or something!! Wouldn’t miss her at all, don’t think I’d care any less. There is nothing to mourn, she is a truly cruel human being.

Thank you for teaching me a new word today. I've never heard of solipsistic before but shall now endeavour to slip it in somewhere this week!

You can change your vote.

Even.if they were difficult, you can still miss them.
Sometimes you.love people fault and all.

I agree OP, I have a toxic mother and a lovely dad, but lovely dad doesn't like to rock the boat and obviously loves her so as a result we have been NC for many years.

I agree completely.

Im NC with my abusive family and the judgement I get from people with good parents is unbelievable. People seem to assume that all parents behave the same way and feel the same way, when it is simply not true. It must be nice to be that privileged and naive.

I agree
Despite working within a social care field, once when I described the difficult relationship I had with my mother, I was looked at like I had 2 heads. The only empathy I had was from a male colleague, all the females had close relationships with their mothers...going on holiday together, several visits a week etc.
Fortunately I've another close friend with a toxic mother who absolutely gets it.

My rule in life is: don't listen to advice from people who have zero understanding of your situation. People with neurotypical children are always ready with advice for parents of neurodiverse children, genuinely believing that what works for them will work for you. Same applies to people with loving parents, advising people with manipulative parents. Just ignore it or have a couple of platitudes ready like, 'I'll bear that in mind' or 'Food for thought' or 'thanks for the advice' so you don;t have to waste any headspace on what the are saying.

No, there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

But there are parents whose parenting falls desperately short and who damage their children in the process.

And then there are good-enough parents. Parents who provide their children with love and stability.