When you marry someone, are you also marrying into their family?

As a couple without kids, our families aren't massively intertwined into our lives. We live away from them (we met at university and neither of us returned home) and find that, as they get older, it's easiest for us to split up and see our families separately - that way, we only use one weekend, instead of 2.

So yes, it's important that I have a decent relationship with my inlaws, but I can easily go 6 months at a time without setting eyes on them.

I also never have phone conversations with my inlaws. We don't have a landline and DH obviously speaks to them on his mobile.

My mother always said that she married my father not his awful family. The reality is that his family cast a shadow over their married life (they were married for over 60 years) and still do now. I can't find it in myself to forget how badly some of them treated him.

Surely you did some History at school, @MyAmusedOpalCrab?

Throughout human history, marriage has been a means to consolidate social position and financial security through the joining of two families. (It’s the whole point of every single heaving-bosomed costume drama you’ve ever watched.)

Really it’s only quite recently, within living memory, that people have begun to think of marriage as something concerning only the happy couple - to the deliberate exclusion of their wider familial groups.

Although one of the happiest young couples I’ve ever known, preparing for their wedding within the past 10 years, stated that they were doing it primarily to bring their respective families closer together.

Really interesting question. I think it depends a lot on cultural background. In many African and Asian families (speaking from my own experience), marriage isn’t just about the two people, t’s very much a joining of families. So the idea of just marrying the man or woman without their family being involved doesn’t really exist. The family is part of the marriage package. In lots of Western cultures, it seems more common to see the couple as a separate unit, and the family more in the background - still important, but not central. Neither way is right or wrong, just different. For me personally, it would be really hard to have a good relationship if the family didn’t like or support me, and I them.

I think it’s extremely foolhardy to marry someone if you can’t get along with their close family.

I’d never marry and have children with someone whose parents and siblings I hated or vice versa.

Don’t have to be best friends but have to have some common ground.

You marry the person. It also helps if the general family relationships are pleasant/civil. The family are also the ones that will hopefully be your support network when needed and you will be theirs.

No one should be living in each others pockets if they don't want to and boundaries should be set from the start to avoid upset and conflict further down the line.

Yes to all this.

Also, after we had a child, I found that I had a lot of unconscious expectation around ‘family life’ that started to come out. Even though I was convinced that I would be a very different parent to my parents (who were not terrible parents, just typical parents of the 80s), I found myself doing things the way mum had done it eg: We eat all meals at the table and have done so since DD was in a high chair.

In most cases DH has agreed, as our upbringings were quite similar, or has no strong preference so goes along with me, but it’s worth thinking about ‘family culture’ around child rearing and whether there are likely to be clashes.

I didn’t marry into DH’s family, I barely know them. I don’t think that’s ideal to be honest, I would love to have had a large extended family with everyone getting along but the man I fell in love with didn’t have that to offer.

He has been welcomed into mine but I think if asked he wouldn’t consider them his family, just people he gets along ok with.

100% is not correct.

Some people will view as marrying into the family (sounds like the bloody Mafia), but not everyone will feel that way.

I married my DH. I did not enter into a marriage that included anyone other than my DH.

It depends on the family.
DH has very definitely 'married into' my family. His DP's have favoured his sibling his whole life, DH has largely been sidelined unless they want something from him and then they make unreasonable demands and use emotional manipulation. My DP's, Aunts and Uncles, and cousins all love DH like he's their own flesh and blood. He and my DF are very close and do things like go to the Football and go fishing just the two of them. He has distanced himself from his own family since we've been married, they blame me for this I'm sure. The truth is that he has realised, since marrying into my family, how family should treat each other and that he doesn't have to settle for scraps of affection anymore.

My ex's family I always kept at arms length; they had all sorts of problems individually and the dynamic between some of them was utterly toxic. I did not have any contact after we split up but that was no problem as we barely spoke before.

15 years later and DPs family is like my own, I'm welcomed with open arms and it's been so completely different.

It really depends on the dynamics.

I married my DH, not his family. We've been together for nearly 40 years.

PIL are both dead now. I got on well with FIL, but MIL never liked me, she didn't think I was good enough for her son as I have multiple disabilities. This caused DH to see her in a very different light and ultimately affected their relationship. But, that was her fault and her loss and in a roundabout way, she admitted that she was at fault.

Just to add, whatever is said they are never really your family. Most couples when they divorce lose contact with the in laws and wider family. They are likely to take your husbands side in any difficult divorce.
I mention this because I have seen friends with tiny families marry someone who has a very involved extended family. They have accepted the - we are your family now. Until the divorce. Sometimes a relationship with in laws and wider family lasts after a divorce, but I have never seen it survive a new relationship and marriage.

This.

Again, not “100%”.

DH and I signed a contract. No element of that related to our respective families.

100% you're marrying into a family.
And not accepting that is one of the reasons for so many family fall outs I think.

@Endofyear You do not automatically spend a lot of time with family once you have children/ We visited my partners family and kids. But honestly they were just very focused on their nuclear families. Some people are. And it is slightly strange as my partners parents were the opposite.

I think it depends on the family. My partners family are lovely, but they are all focused on their own nuclear families, since the older generation died. There are sometimes get togethers for funerals or weddings. But there are very few.
So I married my partner, not their family.
Some families are extremely close though and there are constant family get togethers. In those cases I think you marry into the family.

I think it depends on you & your husband’s attitude to your families. I mean, you have joined another family, as he as joined yours. How significant that is depends on the nature and strength of the family relationships. I love some of DH’s family members and struggle with others. DH is the same with mine. It is fine because we both have each others backs first and foremost- we are a team and a united front. So we can both moan about the tricky ones and enjoy spending time with the lovely ones.

Love this. This is what ‘marrying into a family’ should look like!

Really interesting question.

Family is definitely something to consider. It’s caused huge problems in my marriage.

I think it’s important to make an effort with your partners family, even if you don’t have much in common. You should afford them consideration, manners, decency.

However sometimes families don’t afford their adult children’s partners with the same and it can become difficult, especially if your partner won’t stand up to their family.

I would take a long hard look at the family your partner grew up in before making a commitment. If they're very dysfunctional, that is going to have had an effect on how your partner views family life.

Unless they are far away, you're likely to have to spend a fair bit of time with them, especially once you have children. If they're friendly and welcoming towards you, that's a good start. If they aren't, it's unlikely to get better once you're married and if you don't want to spend time with them, it's probably going to cause arguments between you and your partner!

I didn't have a lot in common with my in laws but they were lovely grandparents and I got along well enough with them when we spent time together. After my FIL passed away, I got much closer with MIL as she doesn't have any daughters and ended up being very fond of her. My mum and dad absolutely loved my DH and definitely saw him as a son. My dad has passed now but DH is still close to my mum and will pop in for a cuppa with her without me. Over the years it's been tricky at times but we've always made the effort with each other's families. I see it as an essential part of being married really but if they had been really unpleasant it would have been different.

I’ve been with my husband for 40 yrs , married 36 and his parents hated me , his mum is now in her 90s and pretending she likes me because I can do things for her like drive her places and order stuff online , which I do occasionally because I love my husband and it makes his life a bit easier . They went NC with me for over 20 yrs when our first child was about 5 and that was really pleasant . My family have always loved my husband and it works for us . Our children , now both adults , have nothing to do with MIL other than sending cards / gifts for birthday / Christmas and being polite if they happen to bump into her at our house .

My ex I married him and his parents and horrible siblings and it was x3 a day phone calls and they were horrors and made me ill.

My current MIL is lovely and although we live 300 miles away I like her a lot and she’s just right! Shes 85 and we send each other letters once or twice a week!

This will completely depend on the dynamics. There is no 'one answer'.

If one of you is part of a close family who are all engaged in each other's lives several times a week, in and out of each others' houses, that is very, very different from if you live a few hours drive away and everyone accepts each member of the family have their own lives.

If there are cultural expectation about looking after your parents in their old age.

If there are really different cultural (in the wider sense) expectations about the way your life is lived, including swearing, including expectations of what men/ women do, including drinking, and so many more things, that can make life a lot more difficult than if you are all on the same page.

If one is from a family where they are expected to "help others out" financially, without question.

Loads of other things.

Yes, in theory you are marrying one person, but in practice, without some kind of way of 'meeting in the middle' life is going to be very difficult if you are very different from your spouse's family.